Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, January 17 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! ___________________________________________________ Today, January 17 in 1934 Ferdinand Porsche submitted a design for a people's car, a "Volkswagen," to the new German Reich government. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | http://clients.webby.com/inv/maidan/index.html |
Today's Bonehead Award: 4 dopey felons charged in connection with police chase on Lake Shore Drive and crash __________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! _______________________________________________ It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. --- Alfred Adler (1870 - 1937) My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? --- Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000) _____________________________________________ A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to Miami Beach. She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?" The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish." After a little while she again queries him. "You're really Jewish, aren't you?" Again he responds, "No, ma'am, I am not Jewish." Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?" To which, in exasperation and in a final effort to shut her up, he replies, "OK. Yes, ma'am, I am Jewish." "Funny," she says, looking puzzled. "You don't look Jewish!" ________________________________________________` ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Carey Hinton, 27, Deonte Hill, 23, Dezerhea McGee, 21, Isiah Space, 20, Chicago, Illinois 4 dopey felons charged in connection with police chase on Lake Shore Drive and crash Four men have been charged in connection with a police chase Tuesday that ended with a crash near McCormick Place. Carey Hinton, 27, and Deonte Hill, 23, each face two counts of unlawful use of a weapon by a felon, a count of being in possession of a stolen vehicle, possession of more than 500 grams but less than 2,000 grams of marijuana and possession of a controlled substance, all felonies, Chicago police said. Dezerhea McGee, 21, and Isiah Space, 20, each face one count of being in possession of a controlled substance, possession of more than 500 grams but less than 2,000 grams of marijuana, both felonies, as well as a misdemeanor count of criminal trespassing in a vehicle, police said. Officers spotted a stolen vehicle speeding about 8:10 p.m. Tuesday and followed it on Lake Shore Drive, police said. The vehicle then lost control and crashed into a barrier near McCormick Place. Isiah Space tried to run from the crash, but was taken into custody, police said. The other three men were taken to the University of Chicago Medical Center were they were listed as being in serious-to-critical condition, Chicago fire officials said. They have since been stabilized. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Amanda Re: Weather site Dear Webby,20-Jan17L.jpg Do you know a reasonably good, free, weather site? All the ones I tried are either no good, or not free. Amanda Dear Amanda I use the Weather Network You can set various locations as your favorite ones, and see the current weather there, and also 36 hour or 7 day forecasts. You can have favorite locations on different continents. They don't have confusing weather radar pictures, just all the numbers. It is quite civilized. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time flat." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
>From Nancy I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one. So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat. Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her. Figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away......huh, must not have had any in stock. In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive......I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed.....he started laughing at me....said something about me trying to kill him. You're killing me! something like that.... and walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too...must be hard to keep in stock. I wasn't trying to kill him...I wasn't even hurting him. The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it.... she's fallen off the wagon, that explains it....like that and walked away laughing. The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores....maybe have to order from a catalog or something. So that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it, then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it. ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Grinch Ornament Grinch ornament Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage on a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep -- the man on the top bunk, and the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." The man says happily, "OK! Sure!" The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own damn blanket!" ___________________________________________________ The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couples house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing," the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked," asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked," said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute," the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. Her husband opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing," he asked. "This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied. "Needs ironing," he replied. He is not walking too well just yet. ___________________________________________________ >From Paul Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by- step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known. __________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today January 17 in 1377 The Papal See was transferred from Avignon in France back to Rome. 1562 French Protestants were recognized under the Edict of St. Germain. 1773 Captain Cook's Resolution became the first ship to cross the Antarctic Circle. 1852 The independence of the Transvaal Boers was recognized by Britain. 1871 Andrew S. Hallidie received a patent for a cable car system. 1882 Thomas Edison's exhibit opened the Crystal Palace Exhibition in London. 1893 The Kingdom of Hawaii's monarchy was overthrown when a group of businessmen and sugar planters forced Queen Liliuokalani to abdicate. 1900 The U.S. took Wake Island where there was in important cable link between Hawaii and Manila. 1900 Yaqui Indians in Texas proclaimed their independence from Mexico. 1900 Mormon Brigham Roberts was denied a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives for his practicing of polygamy. 1912 English explorer Robert Falcon Scott reached the South Pole. Norwegian Roald Amundsen had beaten him there by one month. Scott and his party died during the return trip. 1913 All partner interests in 36 Golden Rule Stores were consolidated and incorporated in Utah into one company. The new corporation was the J.C. Penney Company. 1928 The fully automatic film-developing machine was patented by A.M. Josepho. 1934 Ferdinand Porsche submitted a design for a people's car, a "Volkswagen," to the new German Reich government. 1945 Soviet and Polish forces liberated Warsaw during World War II. 1945 Swedish diplomat Raoul Wallenberg disappeared in Hungary while in Soviet custody. Wallenberg was credited with saving tens of thousands of Jews. 1959 Senegal and the French Sudan joined to form the Federal State of Mali. 1966 A B-52 carrying four H-bombs collided with a refuelling tanker. The bombs were released and eight crewmembers were killed. 1977 Double murderer Gary Gilmore became the first to be executed in the U.S. in a decade. The firing squad took place at Utah State Prison. 1991 Coalition airstrikes began against Iraq after negotiations failed to get Iraq to retreat from the country of Kuwait. 1992 An IRA bomb, placed next to a remote country road in County Tyrone, Northern Ireland, killed seven building workers and injured seven others. 1994 The Northridge earthquake rocked Los Angeles, CA, registering a 6.7 on the Richter Scale. At least 61 people were killed and about $20 billion in damage was caused. 1995 More than 6,000 people were killed when an earthquake with a magnitude of 7.2 devastated the city of Kobe, Japan. 1997 A court in Ireland granted the first divorce in the Roman Catholic country's history. 1997 Israel gave over 80% of Hebron to Palestinian rule, but held the remainder where several hundred Jewish settlers lived among 20,000 Palestinians. 1998 U.S. President Clinton gave his deposition in the Paula Jones sexual harassment lawsuit against him. He was the first U.S. President to testify as a defendant in a criminal or civil lawsuit. 2000 British pharmaceutical companies Glaxo Wellcome PLC and SmithKline Beecham PLC agreed to a merger that created the world's largest drugmaker. 2001 Congo's President Laurent Kabila was shot and killed during a coup attempt. Congolese officials temporarily placed Kabila's son in charge of the government. 2001 The director of Palestinian TV, Hisham Miki, was killed at a restaurant when three masked gunmen walked up to his table and shot him more than 10 times. 2002 It was announced that Microsoft had signed a joint venture agreement to produce software with two partners in China. The two partners were Beijin Centergate Technologies (Holding) Co. and the Stone Group. 2019 Do smiled. |
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