Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, Sept 9 ___________________________________________________ Q Democracy is 30 kids outvoting the teacher and deciding that going outside and play in the mud is more important than learning math. --- DearWebby ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Man fled to Mexico after stabbing his girlfriend 26 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, Sept 9, in 1994, The U.S. agreed to accept about 20,000 Cuban immigrants a year. This was in return for Cuba's promise to reduce the flight of refugees. ___________________________________________________ This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. There will be a Youth Rally on Friday night at 7 P.M. for the young and young in heat. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzur. Bring wife and one other covered dish to banquet. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days. So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Pierpoint is." A few minutes later, the boy returns. "Well, is she all right?" the mother asks. "She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says. "At me? Whatever for?" "Well," says her son, "Mrs. Pierpoint told me it's none of your business how old she is." ___________________________________________________ >From Vic Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, I'd like one too! I said, But this is a dog.. He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, You don't understand. I've had Sex, since I was 9 years old. He winked and said You must have been quite a kid. When I married and went on my honeymoon. I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do. One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married. The judge said, The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case please. Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, Me too. Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday. __________________________________________________ Tatshenishini- Alsek Park- British Columbia, Canada ___________________________________________________ Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage. Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse." ___________________________________________________ Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing. The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself. One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?" The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him!" _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Celine Re: "not reply" mails Dear Webby How do you deal with mails labelled "Do not reply" ? Celine Dear Celine I don't. I made a filter in MailWasher that sends any mail from a "Do not reply" address straight to hell, unseen and unread. If it is important enough, then eventually the bozos will mail from a real address. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so. "What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?" ___________________________________________________ Slogans on Women's T-shirts 1. So many men, so few who can afford me. 2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends. 3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going. 4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all. 5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips. 6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog. 7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich. 8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen. 9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. 10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. 12. My husband could have had any women he pleased-he just couldn't please any! 13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? 14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. 15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. 16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 17. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time. 18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. 19. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. 20. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move). 21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. 22. How can I miss you if you won't go away? 23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. 24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. 25. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc.) ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ 1.What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? "Talk." 2.What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? Legs. 3.What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? A twenty dollar bill. 4.What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? Firetruck. 5.Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman? "Bunt," "hunt," "runt," "punt," "aunt." 6.What does a dog do that you can step into? Pants. 7.What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands? A fork. 8.What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? An Almond Joy candy bar. 9.What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages? Grit. 10.What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? His last name. _______________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Erik Islas, 53, Phoenix, Arizona, USA Man fled to Mexico after stabbing his girlfriend 26 times in Phoenix Police say a man has been arrested for murder after he stabbed his girlfriend more than two dozen times before fleeing to Mexico. According to court documents, a woman reported just after 2 p.m. on Sept. 5 that she had not seen her tenant, 59-year-old Patricia Hawking, for several days at a casita near 24th Street and Arizona Biltmore Circle. The woman said she called Hawking's phone, but another person answered, saying he found her phone near the intersection of 32nd Street and University Drive. Officers responded to the scene. The front door was pushed open and blood was on the ground. Once inside, officers found the inside of the home was "in disarray with clear signs of a struggle, broken furniture and damaged items." A bloody knife was also found in a trashcan. Hawking was found dead in a bedroom. An autopsy later performed revealed Hawking had been stabbed 26 times. Part of a knife was still lodged in her back. Investigators were able to obtain video surveillance inside the casita, which showed Hawking involved in a physical altercation with her boyfriend, 53-year-old Erik Islas. Hawking's family members told police that her relationship with Islas was "tumultuous" and she had been hospitalized multiple times after being allegedly assaulted by Islas, court documents said. "The victim told family members about threats Erik had made to kill her and her family by stabbing them with a knife," court documents read. Investigators were able to track Islas' vehicle south from Phoenix to Tucson before eventually crossing the border in Mexico. On Sept. 6, Islas was detained while returning to the United States. He was interviewed by police and allegedly admitted to stabbing her before fleeing to Mexico. "He took the victims phone so he could not be tracked and fled to Mexico," court documents read. Islas was booked into jail and is accused of first-degree murder. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the humor letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work, please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! __________________________________________________ History Today Sept 9, in 490 B.C., The Battle of Marathon took place between the invading Persian army and the Athenian Army. The marathon race was derived from the events that occurred surrounding this battle. 1776, The second Continental Congress officially made the term "United States", replacing the previous term "United Colonies." 1836, Abraham Lincoln received his license to practice law. 1850, California became the 31st state to join the union. 1898, In Omaha, NE, Tommy Fleming of Eau Claire, WI won the first logrolling championship. 1904, Mounted police were used for the first time in the City of New York. 1911, Italy declared war on the Ottoman Turks and annexed Libya, Tripolitania, and Cyrenaica in North Africa. 1919, The majority of Boston's police force went on strike. The force was made up of 1,500 men. 1919, Alexander Graham Bell and Casey Baldwin's HD-4, a hydrofoil craft, set a world marine speed record. 1942, Japan dropped incendiaries over NE in an attempt to set fire to the forests in Oregon and Washington. The forest did not ignite. 1943, During World War II Allied forces landed at Taranto and Salerno. 1946, Ben Alexander hosted "Hearts Desire" for the first time on the Mutual Broadcasting System. 1948, North Korea became the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. 1957, The first civil rights bill to pass Congress since Reconstruction was signed into law by U.S. President Eisenhower. 1965, French President Charles de Gaulle announced that France was withdrawing from NATO to protest the domination of the U.S. in the organization. 1971, Gordie Howe of the Detroit Red Wings retired from the National Hockey League (NHL). 1981, Nicaragua declared a state of economic emergency and banned strikes. 1983, The Soviet Union announced that the Korean jetliner that was shot down on September 1, 1983 was not an accident or an error. 1986, Frank Reed was taken hostage in Lebanon by pro-Iranian kidnappers. The director of a private school in Lebanon was released 44 months later. 1986, Gennadiy Zakharov was indicted by a New York jury on espionage charges. Zakharov was a Soviet United Nations employee. 1993, Israeli and PLO leaders agreed to recognize each other. 1994, The U.S. agreed to accept about 20,000 Cuban immigrants a year. This was in return for Cuba's promise to reduce the flight of refugees. 1994, The space shuttle Discovery blasted off on an 11-day mission. 1997, Sinn Fein, the IRA's political ally, formally renounced violence as it took its place in talks on Northern Ireland's future. 1998, Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr delivered to the U.S. Congress 36 boxes of material concerning his investigation of U.S. President Clinton. 1998, Four tourists who had paid $32,500 each were taken in submarine to view the wreckage of the Titanic. The ship is 2 miles below the Atlantic off Newfoundland. 1999, The Sega Dreamcast game system went on sale. By 1:00pm all Toys R Us locations in the U.S. had sold out. 2008, The iTunes Music Store reached 100 million applications downloaded. 2009, The iTunes Music Store reached 1.8 billion applications downloaded. 2014, Apple unveiled the iPhone 6, iPhone 6 Plus, Apple Watch, Apple Watch Sport and Apple Watch Edition. 2023, Do smiled.
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