Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, September 12 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: DAM STUPID stag-do Brit arrested after swimming across Hoover dam reservoir near the dam  Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, Sept 12 in 1922 The Episcopal Church removed the word "Obey" from the bride's section of wedding vows. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons. --- R. Buckminster Fuller (1895 - 1983) What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. --- Oscar Levant ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Dianne for this story: I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh", ... I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ Tina knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at her, and said, "Tina, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake." ______________________________________________________   _____________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Arron Hughes North Wales Britain  DAM STUPID stag-do Brit arrested after swimming across Hoover dam reservoir near the dam  Any idiot knows that swimming on the dam side of the floats, that catch drift wood, kayaks, air mattresses and capsized boats, is highly illegal and will likely get you shot at. Since September 11, 2001, they are VERY concerned about possible terrorist attacks, and they even built that fantastic Multi Billion dollar bridge to detour traffic away from the dam. Arron Hughes, while on a drinking tour with his friends, ignored the signs and got into the water on the dam side of the floats, and swam across the reservoir. Since the water is drawn via those cute towers, not via a hole in the bottom of the dam, there is no current near the dam. The idea is that silt and gravel will settle there and reinforce the dam. Eventually the water depth will be twelve to twenty feet, not 700, and a breach would not be catastrophic. As is, if that dam is breached, it would cause a hundred foot high killer tsunami for a hundred miles, and flooding all the way to the coast. So quite naturally, since 9/11/2001 they are VERY concerned about security at the dam. After this idiot took half an hour to swim across, while in the cross-hairs of a whole bunch of snipers, he promptly got arrested and hauled in for interrogation. They realized he was just a drunk tourist and fined him $330. I would imagine that next time he will obey the signs and swim upstream of the driftwood and kayak catcher floats like everybody else. Once he realizes that he was "designated target" for half an hour, and that if one of the snipers got an itchy finger, all of them would shoot, he will probably vow to never swim near a dam again. He was apparently 50 - 100 meters from the dam, which just barely saved him from getting perforated.  _________________________________  Tech Support Pits From: Richi Re: Which antivirus? Dear Webby, i have a ? about antivirus, i see that you reccommend mc affee , isnt maleware bytes good enough for the computer? whats the difference? tyvm for all the time and help  Dear Richi Yes, if you have Malwarebytes, that is all you need. However, some people are hooked on McAfee or want to save a few dollars. Because McAfee is getting squeezed out by Malwarebytes, they are getting desperate and lowering their prices. Personally, I have used McAfee since the mid 80's, but last Christmas got totally fed up with their idiot Taliban support, after my machine died and I had to activate an old Windows 7 PRO machine. McAfee would not work on that, and their totally useless Taliban just pissed me off. The only usable advice I got from them was to try Malwarebytes. I did, and it was like a Chinook in winter! A week later I put ads for Malwarebytes onto my site. It is entirely up to you what you are going to use. However, you definitely don't need both. Just select one and get used to that one. Have FUN! DearWebby    
 The Test: Q: What do you put in a toaster? * * * * A: The answer is bread. If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go to the next question. *** Q: Say "silk" five times. Now, spell "silk." What do cows drink? * * * * A: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over- stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said "water", then proceed to the next question. *** Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks, a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse made with? * * * * A: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to the next question. *** Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land?" * * * * A: You don't, of course, bury the survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question. *** Q: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour? * * * * A: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question. *** Q: Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. Now, what was the name of the bus driver? * * * * A: Ask your mom what your name is! 
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 Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Painting Tables and Chairs  Put plastic lids under each leg to help catch drips when painting. It's also good to put newspaper down, but the plastic lids will keep paint from soaking through the newspaper and staining the floor when applying paint to the legs. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com  ____________________________________________________  
  
 
Twerk it LiNeMan 
 ____________________________________________________  >From Kara I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb." Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage." The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Ma'am, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?" I told him I would prefer a tubular one. It's easy in the South. There everything is a "Coke". You hear conversations like this: "... and a Coke." "Wha kine?" "7-Up" ___________________________________________________  
 
 Realistic pencil drawings. 
 ___________________________________________________ A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?" 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this confession: One year my mom went to my sister's house for a traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! ____________________________________________________ 
 Today, Sept 12, in 1609 English explorer Henry Hudson sailed down what is now known as the Hudson River. 1814 During the War of 1812, the Battle of North Point was fought in Maryland. 1873 The first practical typewriter was sold to customers. 1914 The first battle of Marne ended when the allied forces stopped the German offensive in France. 1916 Adelina and August Van Buren finished the first successful transcontinental motorcycle tour to be attempted by two women. They started in New York City on July 5, 1916. 1918 During World War I, At the Battle of St. Mihiel, U.S. Army personnel operate tanks for the first time. The tanks were French-built. 1922 The Episcopal Church removed the word "Obey" from the bride's section of wedding vows. 1938 In a speech, Adolf Hitler demanded self-determination for the Sudeten Germans in Czechoslovakia. 1940 The Lascaux paintings were discovered in France. The cave paintings were 17,000 years old and were some of the best examples of art from the Paleolithic period. 1943 During World War II, Benito Mussolini was taken by German paratroopers from the Italian government that was holding him. 1944 U.S. Army troops entered Germany, near Trier, for the first time during World War II. 1953 U.S. Senator John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Lee Bouvier. 1953 Nikita Krushchev was elected as the first secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. 1954 "Lassie" made its television debut on CBS. The last show aired on September 12, 1971. 1974 Violence occurred on the opening day of classes in Boston, MA, due opposition to court-ordered school "busing." 1974 Emperor Haile Selassie was taken out of power by Ethiopia's military after ruling for 58 years. 1977 South African anti-apartheid activist Stephen Biko died at the age of 30. The student leader died while in police custody which triggered an international outcry. 1983 Arnold Schwarzenegger became a U.S. citizen. He had emigrated from Austria 14 years earlier. 1991 The space shuttle Discovery took off on a mission to deploy an observatory that was to study the Earth's ozone layer. 1992 Police in Peru captured Shining Path founder Abimael Guzman. 1992 Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first African-American woman in space. She was the payload specialist aboard the space shuttle Endeavor. Also onboard were Mission Specialist N. Jan Davis and Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Mark C. Lee. They were the first married couple to fly together in space. And, Mamoru Mohri became the first Japanese person to fly into space. 2009 Steve Jobs announced that Apple's iTunes had 88% of the legal U.S. music download market. 2017 Do smiled.
 
 
 

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