Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, Sept 19  ___________________________________________________ Q A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece. --- Ludwig Erhard (1897 - 1977) The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it. --- George Orwell (1903 - 1950) ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Man still holding a knife arrested for murder in Visalia ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, Sept 19, in 1988, Israel successfully launched the Horizon-I test satellite. ____________________________________________________ A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" he customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" __________________________________________________   Ted Cameron Red-tailed chipmunk on the Chickadee Trail near Gwynne this afternoon. I haven't seen one for years, but remember them from childhood trips to Banff. __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A couple of professional basketball players decided to sign up as ocean beach lifeguards during their team's off-season. The Park manager stared up at the 7-foot-plus applicants. "Sure, you two can play basketball," he challenged, "but can you swim?" "Not a stroke," replied the taller of the two. "But we wade real good." ___________________________________________________ The airplane took off with a full load of passengers. Ten minutes into the flight the loud speaker announced: Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. You are privileged to be riding on the very first pilotless flight. Do not panic. This flight is backed by the finest technology in the world today. It has been planned by the United States Army and is sanctioned by the United States Government. Absolutely nothing can go wrong..go wrong..go wrong..go wrong... __________________________________________________ Thanks to Jean for sending this picture:   ___________________________________________________ A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time flat." ___________________________________________________ >From Nancy I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one. So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat. Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her. Figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away......huh, must not have had any in stock. In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive......I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed.....he started laughing at me....said something about me trying to kill him. You're killing me! something like that.... and walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too...must be hard to keep in stock. I wasn't trying to kill him...I wasn't even hurting him. The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it.... she's fallen off the wagon, that explains it....like that and walked away laughing. The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores....maybe have to order from a catalog or something. So that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it, then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it. _____________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Dorothy Re: Why did they murder Home Group? Dear Webby, Why did the evil empire murder Home Group? I realize it was not 100% perfect, and was a bit of a chore to teach Gramma to use it without cussing, but thst was no excuse for murdering it! Was that why his wife kicked him out? Dorothy  Dear Dorothy The only reason they murdered it is because they hate you, and because they don't like it when you use Windows game machines in offices instead of Linux. Actually, I don't really know the reason for that. Nobody knows. Just use camera chips and fast sneakers like everybody else. It is a bloody nuisance, but it does work. According to unconfirmed rumors, W15 will have the Home Group again. Supposedly it will be just like Linux. In the meantime, use camera chips and fast sneakers. Supposedly that is good for you. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage on a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep -- the man on the top bunk, and the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." The man says happily, "OK! Sure!" The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own damn blanket!" ___________________________________________________ The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couples house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing," the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked," asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked," said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute," the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. Her husband opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing," he asked. "This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied. "Needs ironing," he replied. He is not walking too well just yet. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ >From Paul Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by- step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known. _______________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock  Muhran Khanoyan, 34, Visalia, California, USA  Man still holding a knife arrested for murder in Visalia  A man was arrested Tuesday night after police say he stabbed another man to death in Visalia. Police were called to the area of Burke St. and Center Ave. around 6:40 p.m. for the report of a stabbing. When officers arrived, they found 34-year-old Muhran Khanoyan holding a knife and standing near the victim. Khanoyan was taken into custody and the victim was transported to Kaweah Health Medical Center where he was later pronounced dead. Khanoyan was booked for homicide at the Tulare County Pre- Trial Facility. __________________________________________________ History Today Sept 19, in 1356, The Battle of Poitiers was fought between England and France. Edward "the Black Prince" captured France's King John. 1777, The Battle of Saratoga was won by American soldiers during the Revolutionary War. 1796, U.S. President Washington's farewell address was published. 1876, Melville R. Bissell patented the carpet sweeper. 1891, "The Merchant of Venice" was performed for the first time at Manchester. 1893, In New Zealand, the Electoral Act 1893 was consented to giving all women in New Zealand the right to vote. 1942, The first advertisement to announce Little Golden Books appeared in Publishers Weekly. 1955, Argentina President Juan Peron was ousted after a revolt by the army and navy. 1957, The U.S. conducted its first underground nuclear test. The test took place in the Nevada desert. 1959, Nikita Khruschev was not allowed to visit Disneyland due to security reasons. Khrushchev reacted angrily. 1960, Cuban leader Fidel Castro, in New York to visit the United Nations, checked out of the Shelburne Hotel angrily after a dispute with the management. 1982, Scott Fahlman became the first person to use :-) in an online message. 1983, Lebanese army units defending Souk el-Gharb were supported in their effort by two U.S. Navy ships off Beirut. 1984, China and Britain completed a draft agreement transferring Hong Kong from British to Chinese rule by 1997. 1986, U.S. health officials announced that AZT, though an experimental drug, would be made available to AIDS patients. 1988, Israel successfully launched the Horizon-I test satellite. 1990, Iraq began confiscating foreign assets of countries that were imposing sanctions against the Iraqi government. 1992, The U.N. Security Council recommended suspending Yugoslavia due to its role in the Bosnian civil war. 1994, U.S. troops entered Haiti peacefully to enforce the return of exiled President Jean-Bertrand Aristide. 1995, The commander of American forces in Japan and the U.S. ambassador apologized for the rape of a schoolgirl committed by three U.S. servicemen. 1996, The government of Guatemala and leftist rebels signed a peace treaty to end their long war. 2002, In Ivory Coast, around 750 rebel soldiers attempted to overthrow the government. U.S. troops landed on September 25th to help move foreigners, including Americans, to safer areas. 2003, It was reported that AOL Time Warner was going to drop "AOL" from its name and be known as Time Warner Inc. The company had announced its merger and name change on January 10, 2000. 1998, The FDA approved a once-a-day easier-to-swallow medication for AIDS patients. 2023, Do smiled. Thanks to Jean for sending this picture:  

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