Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, April 22, 2023 ___________________________________________________ History: Today, April 22 in 1915, At the Second Battle Ypres the Germans became the first country to use poison gas. (Chlorine) ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: Naked man baptized himself in Mesa church, punched 2 officers _____________________________________________________ Q We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) "Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... the only one that can be mass-produced with unskilled labor." --- Werner von Braun No good deed goes unpunished. --- Clare Booth Luce (1903 - 1987) -----Yeah, I noticed that too. ______________________________________________________ A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. "Now, what does it mean to you?" After a moment of silence, a student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said, "what does it mean?" David replied,"It means that the Jews had to suffer without Chinese food for 1,067 years." ______________________________________________________ A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when hestumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker has me running around the gym like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!" ___________________________________________________ Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. ___________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ Just in time for the new fall TV Season CBS is releasing a new reality series called Jewish Survivor. 16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom co-op on the Upper West Side of New York. Each week they vote out one member until there is a final survivor who gets $1 million (but placed into a trust that does not vest until age 59). The Rules: 1. No maid service. 2. No use of ATMs or credit cards. 3. No food from take-out or delivery which includes Chinese food. 4. All purchases must be at retail prices. 5. No calls to mother for women, office for men. 6. Outside trips must be by foot, bus or subway. NO limos or cabs. 7. All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweats -- no designer labels. 8. Zabars is off limits. 9. No Jewish geography. 10. No, NY Times. Only, NY Post or NY Daily News. 11. No Pottery Barn, J. Crew, Lands End or William Sonoma catalogs. 12. Only one phoneline for all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes. No cell phones. 13. Maintenance problems must be resolved by the Tribe, without help from any gentile or super. 14. All therapy sessions suspended. 15. No consulting with attorneys. 16. No whitefish, lox, or bagels. 17. No antacids of any kind. There have been no applicants yet. _____________________________________________________ One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon- scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: "My name is Daniel." _____________________________________________________ SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A PLAYBOY PLAYMATE You get an angry phone call at 2 AM. describing your barking dog as "a real turn-off." Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears. Your wife forbids you to do yard work. Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking. Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!" You: "Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are." The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars. Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle. There's always a traffic jam on your street when she is mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac. You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are -- or if she even *has* any. Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue sky rockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns." After helping her trim her trees, your husband bring home more wood than you can handle. There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500. You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk shoveled. In August. In Orlando. Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you. Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!" ___________________________________________________ * Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear in a Department Store 10. "You want to use the fitting room or try this on at my place?" 9. "Check it out -- this one's good for hiding body parts" 8. "You know how we can offer such low prices? We're connected to the mafia" 7. "Try our new scent -- it makes you smell just like Regis" 6. "Last night after work I got lucky on this couch" 5. "Can I take a picture of your feet for my web site?" 4. "I live in a dark, greasy space under the escalator" 3. "For today only, you can pay for your purchases with hugs" 2. "Have you seen a chimp in boys' overalls?" 1. "If you're interested, I sell the same junk out of my van, half-price" ___________________________________________________ From: Hank From: Phil Re: W10 crashing Dear Webby No matter how careful I am, W10 keeps crashing. Even when I am just doing simple writing, after a day or two it crashes. Is that just to remind me that Saint Bill is the lord of heaven and hell and my computer, or is there a way to make that more civilized? Phil Dear Phil Your assumption is probably as close as any I could come up with. Unlike versions of Windows from 3.3 to W7, W10 is NOT made to run continuously. For best results shut it down every evening, and start it up again in the morning. Don't keep unsaved pictures in your graphics program, and don't keep too many tabs. Store tabs, that you plan to look at later in "ONE-TAB", or save them in a spreadsheet. W10 does abssolutely NOT like a big list of tabs. I know, XP and W7 can handle that OK, but W10 can't. So close those open tabs! Have FUN! DearWebby __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _________________________________________________  AquaMarine ____________________________________________________  _______________________________________________ Practice makes perfect. But... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD reported by Rock, has been earned by  Jeremiah Sykes, 20, Mesa, Arizona, USA Naked man baptized himself in Mesa church, punched 2 officers A man from Tempe is accused of criminal trespass and indecent exposure after he allegedly baptized himself while naked at a fountain in a Mesa church over the weekend. According to arrest records, Mesa police say that Jeremiah Sykes, 20, exposed himself while in a baptism fountain at One Life Church east of Gilbert Road on University Drive just after 2:30 p.m. on Saturday. Officers were told that the man was just sitting there, refusing to leave, and that as police were called, Sykes reportedly grabbed a blanket and left. Officers found him nearby, still naked and holding a blanket. Sykes admitted to baptizing himself naked, but that he left once, he was asked to leave. At the scene, officers arrested him on recommended charges of indecent exposure and criminal trespassing in addition to his outstanding warrants. Once taken to the Mesa jail Sykes reportedly threw his sock at one of the detention officers, and as that officer approached him, he reportedly threw a punch, hitting the officer in the head. Another officer was also struck while trying to intervene. Ultimately, authorities were able to restrain Sykes. The officer hit in the first punch was taken to the hospital due to a cut near his eyebrow. After having his Miranda rights read again for the additional charges, Sykes refused to answer any questions. A booking photo for Sykes was not immediately available. Court records state that Sykes has prior arrests for first-degree criminal trespassing, aggravated assault on a correctional officer, and criminal damage. Sykes was deemed non-bailable due to his prior felony warrants. _____________________________________________________ Today, April 22 in 1500, Portuguese navigator Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil. 1509, Henry VIII ascended to the throne of England upon the death of his father Henry VII. 1529, Spain and Portugal divided the eastern hemisphere in the Treaty of Saragosa. 1745, The Peace of Fussen was signed, restoring the status quo of Germany. 1792, U.S. President George Washington proclaimed American neutrality in the war in Europe. 1861, Robert E. Lee was named commander of Virginia forces. 1864, The U.S. Congress passed legislation that allowed the inscription "In God We Trust" to be included on one- cent and two-cent coins. 1876, The first official National League (NL) baseball game took place. Boston beat Philadelphia 6-5. 1889, At noon, the Oklahoma land rush officially started as thousands of Americans raced for new, unclaimed land. The "Sooners" were already there, and the Okies are still called "Sooners". 1898, The first shot of the Spanish-American war occurred when the USS Nashville captured a Spanish merchant ship. 1915, At the Second Battle Ypres the Germans became the first country to use poison gas. (Chlorine) 1915, The New York Yankees wore pinstripes and the hat- in-the-ring logo for the first time. 1918, British naval forces attempted to sink block-ships in the German U-boat bases at the Battle of Zeeburgge. 1930, The U.S., Britain and Japan signed the London Naval Treaty, which regulated submarine warfare and limited shipbuilding. Britain started building submarines and battleships before the ink was dry. 1931, Egypt signed the treaty of friendship with Iraq. 1931, James G. Ray landed an autogyro on the lawn of the White House. 1944, During World War II, the Allies launched a major attack against the Japanese in Hollandia, New Guinea. 1952, An atomic bomb test conducted in Nevada was the first nuclear explosion shown on live network television. 1954, The U.S. Senate Army-McCarthy televised hearings began. 1967, Randy Matson set a new world record with a shot put toss of 71 feet, and 5 1/2 inches in College Station, TX. 1970, The first "Earth Day" was observed by millions of Americans. 1987, The American Physical Society said that the "Star Wars" missile system was "highly questionable" and would take ten years to research. 1993, The U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum was dedicated in Washington, DC. 1997, In Lima, Peru government commandos storm and capture the residence of the Japanese ambassador ending a 126-day hostage crisis. In the rescue 71 hostages were saved. Those killed: one hostage (of a heart attack), two soldiers, and all 14 rebels. 2000, Elian Gonzalez was reunited with his father. He had to be taken from his Miami relatives by U.S. agents in a predawn raid. 2002, Filippino President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo ordered a state of emergency in the city of General Santos in response to a series of bombing attacks the day before. The attacks were blamed on Muslim extremists. 2010, The Boeing X-37 began its first orbital mission. It successfully returned to Earth on December 3, 2010. 2023, Do smiled.
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