Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, May 29 Today I have to go to Calgary for injections into my eyeball. That means no newsletters on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. ____________________________________________________ History: Today, May 29 in 1953, Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay became first men to reach the top of Mount Everest. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead An unarmed 11-year-old was shot by the very Mississippi police officer he called to help protect his mum _____________________________________________________ Q The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) ______________________________________________________ A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran out of gas. The man walked to the nearest house and asked if he could get some gas. The owner of the house said that he could stay the night if he wished, since the gas stations were now closed. "But I must warn you," said the owner, "there's a monster in the garage. No matter what you do, don't touch it." With that, the owner went upstairs to sleep. But the man was curious, and went out to the garage. He flipped on the lights, and saw a huge, horrible, reptilian monster, curled up in a heaving, grunting ball in the corner. He walked close and stuck out his tongue at it. Nothing. He made a nasty face at it. Nothing. He called him some evil names. He made fun of his mother. Absolutely nothing. So he put out his finger and touched the monster. All of a sudden, the monster sprung up and roared. The man wasted no time and took off running -- with the monster in hot pursuit, and gaining. The man found himself on the edge of a cliff with nowhere to go, and the pounding steps of the monster getting closer and closer. Then the monster was upon and with one giant claw put his finger on the man's shoulder. "You're it." _____________________________________________________ A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!" ______________________________________________________  Roseate Spoonbill Steven Blandin ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been reported by Rock  Greg Capers, Indianola, Mississippi, USA An unarmed 11-year-old was shot by the very Mississippi police officer he called to help protect his mum  Aderrien Murry was shot in the chest Saturday morning by an Indianola Police Department officer responding to a domestic call at his mothers home. His mum, Nakala, asked him to dial 911 at about 4am after an ex-partner showed up outside their home. The man was not Aderriens father. His sister and Nakalas three-year-old nephew were also at the home on BB King Road. He called the police to come to his mothers rescue, he called his grandmother to come to his mothers rescue, the police came there and escalated the situation, lawyer Carlos Moore said. The officer stormed into the home gun blazing, Moore told The Washington Post. Nakala said no one was armed and, as Aderrien complied with the officers orders to come out with his hands up, the officer shot him in the chest. He shot him immediately when his hands were up, and hes coming around the corner, Moore said. His words were, Why did he shoot me? What did I do? and he started crying, the boys mother said at a news conference on Monday. Nakala covered her sons wound and applied pressure as blood pooled beneath her palm before medics arrived. Aderrien was taken to the University of Mississippi Medical Centre for treatment. He was placed on a ventilator and chest tube having suffered a collapsed lung, fractured ribs and a lacerated liver, Moore said. Aderrien is now recovering at home and is expected to make a full recovery. Indianola City Attorney Kimberly Merchant confirmed to The Enterprise-Tocsin that the officer who shot the little boy was Greg Capers. Capers, she added, is no longer on active duty and has been suspended with pay. The reason why we cannot comment, and I know that its frustrating for folks, but it is a personnel matter, she added. The Indianola Police Department also confirmed that the officer was Caper but declined to comment further, according to CNN. No officers were injured during the incident. A minor occupant of the residence received significant injuries and has been transported to a local hospital, the agency said. ___________________________________________________ An attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone of you singing drunks wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!" ___________________________________________________ Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department. "Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day." "I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out. "Please, Dad?" "They're not cheap either." "I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see." Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. >From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!" ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Rhea RE: Why FireFox for Forms? Dear Webby, Judy mentioned that she uses Chrome for browsing and FireFox for form filling. Why? Rhea Dear Rhea FireFox traditionally offers the last used entry for a particular form. Like Auto-Correct, that can be a blessing, or a curse. If you DON'T want the browser to fill in the previous filling, for example "September", then use Chrome. If you DO want it to fill in reusable stuff, then use Firefox. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ John says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!" _____________________________________________ Bernie had never been on a deep-sea fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Bernie wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip. One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness." "Oh noooo!!" Bernie wailed... "You've just taken away my last hope for relief!" ____________________________________________ YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Someone in your family died right after saying: "Hey watch this." You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your junior prom had a daycare. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs. Your whole family went to the "dental express" at one time to get all their teeth pulled. ___________________________________________________  __________________________________________________ Face it, you will have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go... OUTSIDE. Scary, I know, but to assist you with the basics, here's a guide: 1. Wear pants or a skirt Countless attempts to better oneself have been cut tragically short by leaving the house without proper attire. 2. Use Your Real Name - Sorry, but nobody will be impressed if you go by the name "2HOT4U", "Monarch" or SATAN666." Names like "Steve" or Greg" or "Peggy" are just fine. 3.The Telephone is Your Friend Hear that ringing sound? Pick up the phone. Now speak into it. 4. If Your Car Crashes, You Cannot Simply Reboot It. 5. Do Not Be Surprised That Nobody Looks Like Gillian Anderson. 6. Do Not Flame People - Comparing everyone you disagree with to unclean primates will not win you friends. In fact, you may get into a physical fight. If so, the next tip may be of help. 7. That Red Stuff is Called Blood - Not to be confused with ketchup, blood is what keeps you alive. If you are leaking, the real world offers human tech support in the form of doctors and hospitals. _________________________________________________ Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. "The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m." "Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked. The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?" "No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off." ---------- WestJet flights from here, Calgary, Alberta, to Vancouver, BC, usually arrive half an hour before they take off. ____________________________________________________ Today, May 29 in 1453, Constantinople fell to Ottoman Sultan Mehmed II, ending the Byzantine Empire. 1660, Charles II was restored to the English throne after the Puritan Commonwealth. 1721, South Carolina was formally incorporated as a royal colony. 1765, Patrick Henry denounced the Stamp Act before Virginia's House of Burgesses. 1790, Rhode Island became the last of the original thirteen colonies to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1827, The first nautical school opened in Nantucket, MA, under the name Admiral Sir Isaac Coffins Lancasterian School. 1848, WIsconsin became the 30th state to join the United States. 1849, A patent for lifting vessels was granted to Abraham Lincoln. 1910, An airplane raced a train from Albany, NY, to New York City. The airplane pilot Glenn Curtiss won the $10,000 prize. 1912, Fifteen women were dismissed from their jobs at the Curtis Publishing Company in Philadelphia, PA, for dancing the Turkey Trot while on the job. 1916, The official flag of the president of the United States was adopted. 1916, U.S. forces invaded Dominican Republic and remained until 1924. 1922, Ecuador became independent. 1922, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that organized baseball was a sport, not subject to antitrust laws. 1932, World War I veterans began arriving in Washington, DC. to demand cash bonuses they were not scheduled to receive for another 13 years. 1951, C.F. Blair became the first man to fly over the North Pole in single engine plane. 1953, Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay became first men to reach the top of Mount Everest. 1962, Buck (John) ONeil became the first black coach in major league baseball when he accepted the job with the Chicago Cubs. 1965, Ralph Boston set a world record in the broad jump at 27- feet, 4-3/4 inches, at a meet held in Modesto, CA. 1973, Tom Bradley was elected the first black mayor of Los Angeles. 1974, U.S. President Nixon agreed to turn over 1,200 pages of edited Watergate transcripts. 1978, In the U.S., postage stamps were raised from 13 cents to 15 cents. 1981, The U.S. performed a nuclear test at the Nevada Test Site. 1985, Thirty-nine people were killed and 400 were injured in a riot at a European Cup soccer match in Brussels, Belgium. 1986, Colonel Oliver North told National Security Advisor William McFarlane that profits from weapons sold to Iran were being diverted to the Contras. 1988, U.S. President Reagan began his first visit to the Soviet Union in Moscow. 1988, NBC aired "To Heal A Nation," the story of Jan Scruggs' effort to build the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. 1990, Boris Yeltsin was elected president of the Russian republic by the Russian parliament. 1997, The ruling party in Indonesia, Golkar, won the Parliament election by a record margin. There was a boycott movement and rioting that killed 200 people. 1999, Space shuttle Discovery completed the first docking with the International Space Station. 2000, Fiji's military took control of the nation and declared martial law following a coup attempt by indigenous Fijians in mid-May. 2001, In New York, four followers of Osama bin Laden were convicted of a global conspiracy to murder Americans. The crimes included the 1998 bombings of two U.S. embassies in Africa that killed 224 people. 2001, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin could use a cart to ride in tournaments. 2015, The Obama adminstration removed Cuba from the U.S. terrorism blacklist. The two countries had severed diplomatic relations in January of 1961. 2023, Do smiled.
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