Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, May 15 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Of-duty military police mom executes armed robber during shoot-out at school function Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, May 15 in 1940 Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the U.S. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea. --- Robert Anton Wilson In politics, absurdity is not a handicap. --- Napoleon Bonaparte There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence. --- Henry Adams (1838 - 1918) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: Consider the case of Frederick II, an 18th-century king of Prussia. Frederick fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion, he is supposed to have interested himself in the conditions of a Berlin prison. He was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them. Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused. "You," he called. "You, there!" The prisoner looked up. "Yes, Your Majesty?" "Why are you here?" "Armed robbery, Your Majesty." "And are you guilty?" "Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment." At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a Darwin award has been earned by 1 2 3 3 shots, no parole for THAT ***hole! Elivelton Neves Moreira, 21, Sao Paulo, Brazil Of-duty military police mom executes armed robber during shoot-out at school function Security guard failed, kid's mom, Katia da Silva Sastre, didn't. Elivelton Neves Moreira, 21, targeted the group outside a school in Sao Paulo, but one of them was an off-duty cop dropping off her child. Security cameras filmed the incident which took place on Saturday morning at around 8am at Ferreira Master school where they were attending a Mothers's Day party. Military police officer Katia da Silva Sastre, 42, has been commended for her actions after she shot three times at Moreira who later died from his injuries in hospital. The gunman pointed his .38 revolver at the mothers and threatened the school's security guard, taking his wallet and phone. The security guard might be better off working at the school lunch counter! Aware of a commotion, Katia pulled her police-issue gun from her bag, loaded it quickly, then fired three rounds, hitting Moreira in the chest and leg. He managed to fire two shots, but one missed and the other jammed in his gun. The officer, who had gone to the event with her seven-year-old daughter, told colleagues: 'I didn't know if he was going to shoot the kids or the mothers or the security guard at the school door. 'I just thought about defending the mums, the children, my own life and my daughter's.' The mum of two, who has served as cop for 20 years, added: 'I had to act quickly to end his aggression and prevent him from harming anyone. I reverted to the training I have received in the corporation. 'It's gratifying to have been in the right place to have saved all our lives,' she added revealing she was first warned of the danger when a woman, in a grey dress, hurriedly walked past and pointed backwards saying a robbery had just taken place behind her. Her husband, military police lieutenant Andr Alves said to Folha de Sao Paulo: 'The suspect's gun fired once, but it is not known whether or not it was before Katia fired. 'The first shot ricocheted and got lost. On his second attempt at firing, the weapon locked. Thankfully she was faster than him, because when a thug discovers (their opponent) is a police officer, he shoots to kill.' The policewoman was commended for her bravery in a ceremony as Brazil celebrated Mother's Day on Sunday. Paying tribute to the officer at the police station where she works and handing her some flowers, Sao Paulo Governor, M rcio Frana, said she had shown 'dexterity, technique and courage.' -------------- Kudos for Katia da Silva Sastre, a great woman! Tech Support Pits From: Eleanor Re: Why not W10? Dear Webby Why are you so set against W10? We use it at work, factory pre-installed on new machines. It's a bit slower, actually quite a bit slower, but we get paid by the hour. When you look at it from a strictly work point of view, it is supposedly safer and more secure. Theoretically, anyway. Eleanor Dear Eleanor Windows 7 has been patched so many times that it looks like a duck taped mummy, and is actually quite secure. It will take years for W10 to get patched up to the same level. Many of us are hoping that long before then Microsoft will come out with a lean and mean and fast successor to W7. If they don't, more and more people are migrating to Linux. For actually getting work done, you can't beat Linux and Unix. That is what all the big server farms use. Have FUN DearWebby A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition." Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Bloopers Taken from Real Church Bulletins **The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. **Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door. ** The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." **Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. **The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. **Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. **A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. **At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. **Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. **Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "No sir, you see, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it and giving me free nickels!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cooking Ahead A lot of time cooking is spent waiting around for one thing or another to get done. Water needs to boil or the oven needs to heat up. Start working on tomorrow's meal with this time. Freeze or refrigerate prepped ingredients. You will appreciate the head start. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says "Yep, thats them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" Bush answers, "We're planning World War III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Then Powell replies, "Well, we're going to kill 22 million Iranians this time and one big busted bicycle repair lady in Seattle." And the guy exclaimed, "A big busted bicycle repair lady?!!!" So Powell turns to Bush and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry about the 22 million Iranians!" ---------------- You might have to update the names a bit | Book Towns are made for book lovers, and I'm a book lover. |
___________________________________________________ A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just make sure I get off in Buffalo." The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket. After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?" "That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard the guy whom I chucked out into the rain in Buffalo!" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ Abe is a new arrival at a retirement community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the garden. Becky is out for her morning constitutional, spies Abe, and says "Do you mind?" "Not at all" Abe says, so Becky sits down on the opposite end of his bench. "So, you're new here" says Becky. "Yes" Abe nods. "So, where are you from?" asks Becky. "Washington" Abe answers. "The state or the capitol?" asks Becky. "The state" replies Abe. "So how old are you ? asks Becky. "I'll be 62 in October.". Abe replies "What did you do in Washington?" asks Becky. "I was in prison" Abe says. "Really!" says Becky, "what did you do?" "My wife was always asking stupid questions, so I chopped her up and put her down the garbage disposal" he says. "Sooo," purrs Becky, "you're single?" ____________________________________________________ | Today, May 15 in 1602 Cape Cod was discovered by Bartholomew Gosnold. 1614 An aristocratic uprising in France ended with the treaty of St.Menehould. 1618 Johannes Kepler discovered the harmonics law. 1702 The War of Spanish Succession began. 1768 Under the Treaty of Versailles, France purchased Corsica from Genoa, just before Napoleon was born. 1795 Napoleon entered the Lombardian capital of Milan. 1849 Neapolitan troops entered Palermo, and were in possession of Sicily. 1911 The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the dissolution of Standard Oil Company, ruling it was in violation of the Sherman Antitrust Act. 1916 U.S. Marines landed in Santo Domingo to quell civil disorder. 1918 Regular airmail service between New York City, Philadelphia and Washington, DC, began under the direction of the Post Office Department, which later became the U.S. Postal Service. 1926 Roald Amundsen and Lincoln Ellsworth were forced down in Alaska after a four-day flight over the icecap. Ice had begun to form on the dirigible Norge. 1930 Ellen Church became the first female flight attendant. 1940 Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the U.S. 1942 Gasoline rationing began in the U.S. The limit was 3 gallons a week for nonessential vehicles. 1948 Israel was attacked by Transjordan, Egypt, Syria, Iraq and Lebanon only hours after declaring its independence. 1951 AT&T became the first corporation to have one million stockholders. 1957 Britain dropped its first hydrogen bomb on Christmas Island in the Pacific Ocean. 1958 Sputnik III, the first space laboratory, was launched by the Soviet Union. 1963 The last Project Mercury space flight was launched. 1964 The Smothers Brothers, Dick and Tom, gave their first concert in Carnegie Hall in New York City. 1970 U.S. President Nixon appointed America's first two female generals. 1970 Phillip Lafayette Gibbs and James Earl Green, two black students at Jackson State University in Mississippi, were killed when police opened fire during student protests. 1972 Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot by Arthur Bremer in Laurel, MD while campaigning for the U.S. presidency. Wallace was paralyzed by the shot. 1975 The merchant ship U.S. Mayaguez was recaptured from Cambodia's Khmer Rouge. 1980 The first transcontinental balloon crossing of the United States took place. 1983 In Boston,MA, the Madison Hotel was destroyed by implosion. 1988 The Soviet Union began their withdrawal of its 115,000 troops from Afghanistan. Soviet forces had been there for more than eight years. 1990 Vincent Van Gogh's "Portrait of Doctor Gachet" was sold for $82.5 million. The sale set a new world record. 1997 The Space shuttle Atlantis blasted off on a mission to deliver urgently needed repair equipment and a fresh American astronaut to Russia's orbiting Mir station. 1999 The Russian parliament was unable a attain enough votes to impeach President Boris Yeltsin. 2018 Do smiled. |
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