p style="font-family:arial"> Good Morning, Do! Thank you, Nancy! Today is Fiday, Friday, March 31 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!  ___________________________________________________ History: Today in 1994. "Nature" magazine announced that a complete skull of Australppithecus afarensis had been found in Ethiopia. The finding is of humankind's earliest ancestor. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: ARREST REPORT: Three Time Legal Limit. _____________________________________________ Q A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. --- Joan Rivers (1935 - ) History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. --- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965) ________________________________________________ What do you mean, 'leering?' Her boobs are obstructing my view. __________________________________________ To err is human. To really mess up, one needs a computer.... or an absence of a mind. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus" Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm --prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ___________________________________________________ "What She Says: What She Really Means:" "We need" I want "This Kitchen is so ____" I want a new house "I want new curtains" and carpet, and furniture, and ... "I need a new pair of shoes" the other 40 are all the wrong color "I only need a soap dish" We'll check out ALL the sale items "Those are a bargain" Did you bring your checkbook ? "Does this dress look OK ?" I need a new wardrobe "Look at this coat!" Is VISA maxed out ? "You're so attentive tonight" Is sex all you ever think about ? "It's just... I'm soooo tired" Get away from me, you crazy sex maniac "It's been such a hectic day" Get away from me, you crazy maniac "Hon! I just did my hair" Get away from me, you crazy maniac "Are the kids asleep?" Get away from me, you crazy maniac "Won't you be late for work ?" Get away from me, you crazy maniac "Turn out the lights first" My thighs looked flabby today "Of course I like making love" Is this gonna take much longer ? "You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower "You have such a manly scent" For Lord's sake. Use some deodorant "My, don't you look comfortable" Go put on a shirt, slob "So nice to see you relaxing" Don't sit around in your underwear "I'm not upset !" Of course I'm upset, you moron "I'm not emotional!" You'd be too, if you married an idiot "I'm not mad at all" I can't believe you're that stupid "Yes, I'm still talking to you" I can't believe you're that stupid "I'm not being quiet" I can't believe you're that stupid "Nothing is wrong" Other than you're such an butthole "Hang the picture there" NO -- there ! Can't you listen ? "Hon, I hate to interrupt..." Turn off the damn TV "When you get a chance ..." Get up & do it right now ! "When you get time ... " Get up & do it right now ! "I just remembered ..." Get up & do it right now ! "No hurry, but ..." Get up & do it right now ! "Did you lock the front door ?" Get up & go check, now ! "I think I heard a noise" Get up & go check, now ! _________________________________________________  River Kingfisher ____________________________________________________ A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?" The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail." ____________________________________________________ Little Johnny had bought Grandma a book for her birthday and wanted to write a suitable inscription. He racked his brain until suddenly he remembered that his father had a book with an inscription of which he was very proud, so Johnny decided to copy it. You can imagine Grandma's surprise when she opened her book, a Bible, and found neatly inscribed the following phrase: "To Grandma, with the compliments of the author." ____________________________________________________  Mountain Bluebird. Kneehill County, AB. March 29/23 ____________________________________________________ A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket." ___________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been reported by Rock  Marissa Kohl, Delray Beach, Florida, USA ARREST REPORT: Three Time Legal Limit. A Delray Beach woman is facing a DUI charge after she allegedly told a police dispatcher that she left the area of an alleged domestic dispute in Uber because she had been drinking, but returned to the scene and left in her own car. She was later stopped in the area of 3911 West Atlantic Avenue in Delray Beach. The Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office says Marissa Kohl of Stirling Bridge Blvd. North in Delray Beach eventually had issues completing a field sobriety test, then provided breath samples that registered .253 and .244. The legal limit in Florida is .08. Wrote an arresting officer: When I originally made contact with Kohl at the address listed above she had glossy eyes and would slur her speech while she was talking to me. Kohl had the odor of an unknown alcoholic beverage coming from her breath. During the traffic stop approximately an hour later I observed the same indicators from Kohl, her eyes were still glossy, she was slurring her speech and the odor of an alcoholic beverage was still present. While speaking with Kohl at the rear of her vehicle she was unsteady on her feet and tried to lean against her car for balance. Kohl was booked into the Palm Beach County Jail on Tuesday evening, then released Wednesday on her own recognizance. A court date is pending. _________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Claire Re: Why PDF? Dear DearWebby Why PDF? I think it is a real pain in the nuisance. Why can't people use text or doc or HTML? Claire Dear Claire PDF ensures that no matter what kind of printer you use, the document will look the same. Once upon a time, when most peop-le used different dot-matrix printer, that was important. Today's printers accomplsh the same or more. For example you can select "Print to fit" and it will shrink or enlarge a page to just fit your seleted paper. While that excuse is no longer valid, many companies still use it. Another reason for PDF is that it is basically a picture. That makes it difficult to mark a bill "PAID" or edit the amounts due. "Difficult", not impossible. We have many programs nowadays, that allow you to edit PDF files. Modern PDF allows you to make forms with editable fields. You can enter your name, for example, and your address, but you can not edit the small print. While I agree that PDF files can be a real nuisance, they are not going to go away anytime soon. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ Today, March 31 in 1492. King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain issued the Alhambra edict expelling Jews who were unwilling to convert to Christianity. 1776. Abigail Adams wrote to her husband John that women were "determined to foment a rebellion" if the new Declaration of Independence failed to guarantee their rights. 1779. Russia and Turkey signed a treaty concerning military action in Crimea. 1831. Quebec and Montreal were incorporated as cities. 1854. The U.S. government signed the Treaty of Kanagawa with Japan. The act opened the ports of Shimoda and Hakotade to American trade. 1862. Skirmishing between Rebels and Union forces took place at Island 10 on the Mississippi River. 1870. In Perth Amboy, NJ, Thomas Munday Peterson became the first black to vote in the U.S. 1880. Wabash, IN, became the first town to be completely illuminated with electric light. 1885. Binney & Smith Company was founded in New York City. The company later became Crayola, LLC. 1889. In Paris, the Eiffel Tower officially opened. 1900. The W.E. Roach Company was the first automobile company to put an advertisement in a national magazine. The magazine was the "Saturday Evening Post". 1900. In France, the National Assembly passed a law reducing the workday for women and children to 11 hours. 1901. In Russia, the Czar lashed out at Socialist- Revolutionaries with the arrests of 72 people and the seizing of two printing presses. 1902. In Tennessee, 22 coal miners were killed by an explosion. 1904. In India, hundreds of Tibetans were slaughtered by the British. 1905. Kaiser Wilhelm arrived in Tangier proclaiming to support for an independent state of Morocco. 1906. The Conference on Moroccan Reforms in Algerciras ended after two months with France and Germany in agreement. 1908. 250,000 coal miners in Indianapolis, IN, went on strike to await a wage adjustment. 1909. Serbia accepted Austrian control over Bosnia- Herzegovina. 1917. The U.S. purchased and took possession of the Virgin Islands from Denmark for $25 million. 1918. For the first time in the U.S., Daylight Saving Time went into effect. 1921. Great Britain declared a state of emergency because of the thousands of coal miners on strike. 1923. In New York City, the first U.S. dance marathon was held. Alma Cummings set a new world record of 27 hours. 1932. The Ford Motor Co. debuted its V-8 engine. 1933. The U.S. Congress authorized the Civilian Conservation Corps to relieve rampant unemployment. 1933. The "Soperton News" in Georgia became the first newspaper to publish using a pine pulp paper. 1939. Britain and France agreed to support Poland if Germany threatened invasion. 1940. La Guardia airport in New York officially opened to the public. 1941. Germany began a counter offensive in North Africa. 1945. "The Glass Menagerie" by Tennessee Williams opened on Broadway. 1946. Monarchists won the elections in Greece. 1947. John L. Lewis called a strike in sympathy for the miners killed in an explosion in Centralia, IL, on March 25, 1947. 1948. The Soviets in East Germany began controlling the Western trains headed toward Berlin. 1949. Winston Churchill declared that the A-bomb was the only thing that kept the U.S.S.R. from taking over Europe. 1949. Newfoundland entered the Canadian confederation as its 10th province. 1958. The U.S. Navy formed the atomic submarine division. 1959. The Dalai Lama (Lhama Dhondrub, Tenzin Gyatso) began exile by crossing the border into India where he was granted political asylum. Gyatso was the 14th Daila Lama. 1960. The South African government declared a state of emergency after demonstrations led to the death of more than 50 Africans. 1966. An estimated 200,000 anti-war demonstrators march in New York City. (New York) 1966. The Soviet Union launched Luna 10, which became the first spacecraft to enter a lunar orbit. 1967. U.S. President Lyndon Johnson signed the Consular Treaty, the first bi-lateral pact with the Soviet Union since the Bolshevik Revolution. 1970. The U.S. forces in Vietnam down a MIG-21, it was the first since September 1968. 1976. The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that Karen Anne Quinlan could be disconnected from a respirator. Quinlan remained comatose until 1985 when she died. 1980. U.S. President Carter deregulated the banking industry. 1981. In Bangkok, Thailand, four of five Indonesian terrorists were killed after hijacking an airplane on March 28. 1985. ABC-TV aired the 200th episode of "The Love Boat." 1986. 167 people died when a Mexicana Airlines Boeing 727 crashed in Los Angeles. 1989. Canada and France signed a fishing rights pact. 1991. Albania offered a multi-party election for the first time in 50 years. Incumbent President Ramiz Alia won. 1991. Iraqi forces recaptured the northern city of Kirkuk from Kurdish guerillas. 1994. "Nature" magazine announced that a complete skull of Australppithecus afarensis had been found in Ethiopia. The finding is of humankind's earliest ancestor. 1998. U.N. Security Council imposed arms embargo on Yugoslavia. 1998. For the first time in U.S. history the federal government's detailed financial statement was released. This occurred under the Clinton administration. 1999. Three U.S. soldiers were captured by Yugoslav soldiers three miles from the Yugoslav border in Macedonia. 1999. Fabio was hit in the face by a bird during a promotional ride of a new roller coaster at the Busch Gardens theme park in Williamsburg, VA. Fabio received a one-inch cut across his nose. 2000. In Uganda, officials set the number of deaths linked to a doomsday religious cult, the Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments, at more than 900. In Kanungu, a March 17 fire at the cult's church killed more than 530 and authorities subsequently found mass graves at various sites linked to the cult. 2004. Air America Radio launched five stations around the U.S. 2004. Google Inc. announced that it would be introducing a free e-mail service called Gmail. 2016. Apple released the iPhone SE. 2023, Do smiled.
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