Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, April 9 Thank you, Ginger!!! Today, April 9, in 1985, Japanese Premier Nakasone urged Japanese people to buy foreign products. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Burglar gets beat up by homeowner in Ventura ___________________________________________________ The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. --- Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - ) "A man is called selfish not for pursuing his own good, but for neglecting his neighbor's." --- Richard Whately __________________________________________________ While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council office, one of the professional staff -- who was wearing street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking about the International Phonetic Alphabet. She said that she had learned it some years ago and proceeded to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..." When she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and asked for help. I offered a hint: "What *aren't* you wearing today?" "Oh, Underwear !" she replied ____________________________________________________ PETS & LIVESTOCK - Exotic Animals Mixed breed female free to good home. Lazy and sloppy, shots current, more or less house broken, has license, owns transportation. Enjoys music, dancing & late hours, seldom is home. Beautiful markings, 22 yr old, sometimes answers to `Dorothy.' Call DP# 625-1448. Mother is fed up and wants to clean house. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Animal rights activist (one of those who go around annoying people in order to score points with sheep) Steven Wise in a recent speech: "I don't see the difference between a chimpanzee and my 4 1/2-year-old son." Your son would like to have a word with you, Mr. Wise. --Taken verbatim from the Chicago Sun-Times That reminds me: One day little Johnny came home from school and said: "Dad, today I learned that we are all descendants of the apes." "NOT TRUE!", his father thundered, but then conceded: "Well, YOU might be a descendant of an ape, but I am NOT!" ____________________________________________________   ___________________________________________________ Sue has the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All she has to do is mention it to her husband and he says, "Let's eat out!" ____________________________________________________ A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally, even though the rancher insisted that a prize bull was worth five times what an ordinary bull is worth, he agreed to be satisfied with just half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check and cashed it in at the store, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one single witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Alexis Provoste, Ventura County, California, USA  Burglar gets beat up by homeowner in Ventura  A homeowner turned the tables against a burglar in Ventura County. According to the Ventura County Sheriff's Office, a homeowner came home to at least two people trying to steal his stuff. The homeowner saw one person running from the house ("Suspect 1") but the second suspect ("Suspect 2"), however, was not able to complete his illegal mission. Deputies described the incident between Suspect 2 and the homeowner as a "physical confrontation." However, judging by the mugshot of the suspect later identified as Alexis Provoste it appears the homeowner was able to hand Provoste a major beat down before deputies arrived at the house to arrest him. Deputies say Provoste is originally from Chile. Officials did not specify what ended up happening to the first suspect after arresting Provoste. As of Wednesday night, it is also unknown what the first suspect ended up stealing when he ran off from the Ventura County house.  ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Frank Re: Analog Clock Dear Webby. I used to have that neat analog clock in the corner of my screen, until Microsoft freaked about scam ware being distributed by the same download site,that had the clock. and blocked ALL gadgets. I know the clock was clean but they just overreacted and threw the baby out with the bath water. Somebody said that they sobered up, pirated the clock, and are now offering it themselves. Is that true, and hod do I get it? Thanks Frank  Dear Frank Dear Frank Yes, all of that is true. And they DID find and pirate the tossed out baby. It is now included in Windows! They even allowed some of the other favorites from the same era, like the calendar. Right-click on the desktop, Select Gadgets (second item from the bottom up) In there are the clock and the calendar. You can adjust how opaque or transparent you want them without uninstalling them. It is almost all back just like we had it in XP. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ One of my first evenings back from a business trip, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the top of the stairway. I told her: "If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter." Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again. "Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch." 
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 _____________________________________________ The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Jill, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the person who done it." ______________________________________________ Sam and Greg, two guys who both could play Santa without having to use a pillow to ensure their circumference is close to the same as their height, are in a pub. Sam indicating his empty glass, says to Greg, "Your round." Sam looks Greg in the eye and says, "So are you, Buddy !" ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 There was this bank where the employees went on strike leaving the bank officers to do the teller's tasks. While the strike was on, Jane called the bank, and asked if they were open. They told her they had two windows open upstairs in the office area. Then Jane asked, . . . "I'm afraid of heights, couldn't you just let me in though the back door?" ___________________________________________________  
 Today, April 9, in 0193, In the Balkans, the distinguished soldier Septimius Seversus was proclaimed emperor by the army in Illyricum. 0715, Constantine ended his reign as Catholic Pope. 1241, In the Battle of Liegnitz, Mongol armies defeated the Poles and the Germans. 1454, The city states of Venice, Milan and Florence signed a peace agreement at Lodi, Italy. 1667, In Paris, The first public art exhibition was held at the Palais-Royale. 1682, Robert La Salle claimed the lower Mississippi River and all lands that touch it for France. 1770, Captain James Cook discovered Botany Bay on the Australian continent. 1833, Peterborough, NH, opened the first municipally supported public library in the United States. 1838, The National Galley opened in London. 1865, At Appomattox Court House, Virginia, General Robert E. Lee surrendered his Confederate Army to Union General Ulysses S. Grant in the parlor of Wilmer McClean's home. Grant allowed Rebel officers to keep their sidearms and permitted soldiers to keep their horses and mules. Though there were still Confederate armies in the field, the war was officially over. The four years of fighting had killed 360,000 Union troops and 260,000 Confederate troops. 1866, The Civil Rights Bill passed over U.S. President Andrew Johnson's veto. 1867, The U.S. Senate ratified the treaty with Russia that purchased the territory of Alaska by one vote. 1869, The Hudson Bay Company ceded its territory to Canada. 1870, The American Anti-Slavery Society was dissolved. 1872, S.R. Percy received a patent for dried milk. 1900, British forces routed the Boers at Kroonstadt, South Africa. 1905, The first aerial ferry bridge went into operation in Duluth, MN. 1914, In London, the first full-color film, "The World, The Flesh & the Devil," was shown. 1916, The German army launched its third offensive during the Battle of Verdun. 1917, The Battle of Arras began as Canadian troops began a massive assault on Vimy Ridge. 1918, Latvia proclaimed its independence. 1921, The Russo-Polish conflict ended with signing of Riga Treaty. 1928, Mae West made her debut on Broadway in the production of "Diamond Lil." 1940, Germany invaded Norway and Denmark. 1942, In the Battle of Bataan, American and Filipino forces were overwhelmed by the Japanese Army. 1945, National Football League officials decreed that it was mandatory for football players to wear socks in all league games. 1945, At Bari, Italy, the Liberty exploded and killed 360 people. The ship was carrying aerial bombs. 1947, 169 people were killed and 1,300 were injured by a series of tornadoes in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas. 1957, The Suez Canal was cleared for all shipping. 1959, NASA announced the selection of America's first seven astronauts. 1963, Winston Churchill became the first honorary U.S. citizen. 1965, "TIME" magazine featured a cover with the entire "Peanuts" comic gang. 1965, The Houston Astrodome held its first baseball game. 1967, The first Boeing 737 was rolled out for use. 1968, Murdered civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., was buried. 1976, The U.S. and Russia agreed on the size of nuclear tests for peaceful use. 1981, The U.S. Submarine George Washington struck and sunk a small Japanese freighter in the East China Sea. The Nissho Maru's captain and first mate died. 1983, The space shuttle Challenger concluded it first flight. 1984, Nicaragua asked the World Court to declare U.S. support for guerilla raids illegal. 1985, Japanese Premier Nakasone urged Japanese people to buy foreign products. 1986, It was announced that Patrick Duffy's character on the TV show Dallas would be returning after being killed off. 1987, Dikye Baggett became the first person to undergo corrective surgery for Parkinsons disease. 1988, The U.S. imposed economic sanctions on Panama. 1989, 16 civilians were killed during rioting in Soviet Georgia. 1989, Hundreds of thousands marched past the White House in support of the right to abortion. 1991, Georgia voted to secede from the U.S.S.R. 1992, Former Panamanian ruler Manuel Noriega was convicted in Miami, FL, of eight drug and racketeering charges. 1998, The National Prisoner of War Museum opened in Andersonville, GA, at the site of an infamous Civil War camp. 1998, More than 150 Muslims died in stampede in Mecca, Saudi Arabia, on last day of the haj pilgrimage. 1999, In Djibouti, Ismail Omar Guelleh of the ruling Popular Rally for Progress and the Front for the Restoration of Unity and Democracy was elected president. 1999, In Niger, President Ibrahim Bar Manassara was assassinated. Daouda Malam Wanke was designated president two days later. 2000, CBS-TV aired "Failsafe." It was the first live full- length show to by aired by CBS in 39 years. 2022 Do smiled. 

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