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___________________________________________________ History: on this day, March 6, in 1944, During World War II, U.S. heavy bombers began the first of many American air raids on Berlin. Allied planes dropped over 2000 tons of bombs. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: Explosive found in bag at Pennsylvania airport, Carrier arrested __________________________________________________ Q What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? --- Doctor Who 'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. --- Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865) I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. --- Shelley Winters (1922 - 2006) "Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it." --- Don Herold ________________________________________________ An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your damn bran muffins, we could have been here twenty years ago!" ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ An IRS telephone assister was overheard to say, "Sir please watch your language!...Sir, watch your language!...Sir, please!...Reverend, I'm ashamed of you!" ___________________________________________________ Top 11 Reasons To Become A Nurse 1. Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good. 2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms. 3. Needles: It's better to give than to receive. 4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually. 5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases. 6. Interesting aromas. 7. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting. 8. Do enough charting to navigate around the world. 9. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends....at work. 10. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them. 11. All male doctors will flirt at you and one of them will marry you. ____________________________________________________ "How are things going?" one bee asked another. "Terrible," the second bee replied. "I can't find any flowers or pollen anywhere." No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down this street until you see all the cars. There's an outdoor bar mitzvah going on with lots of flower arrangements and fresh fruit." Thanks!" said the second bee, buzzing off. Later the two bees ran into one another, and the second bee thanked the first bee for the tip. Then the first bee asked, "But what's that thing on your head?" My yarmulke," the second bee replied. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp." ____________________________________________________ "I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier, " Betty told her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just fahhbulous...handsome,sensitive, caring and considerate." What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol asked?" "Oh," Betty replied, "the second one is straight." ____________________________________________________ Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids. Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger- sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six. Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the frig. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you about this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili. Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house. Thursday A.M. Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following: 1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal? 2. How do you turn off the milkman? 3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots? 4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand? 5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me! Friday A.M. Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother. have a great day. ____________________________________________________ A resolution was recently proposed in the UN to form a new union between the Turks and Kurds. This would create a new nation along the Iraq border to be called the Turds. France vetoed the measure citing historical rights to the name. ________________________________________________ A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous." There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squashed up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door. The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you? __________________________________________________  Springbank, AB - Gorgeous Rough-legged Hawk who was willing to pose nicely for me. Doug McQueen _________________________________________________ The Ten Commandments in Cajun... (Keeps it REAL Simple) 1. God is number one... and das' All. 2. Don't pray to nuthin' or nobody... jus' God. 3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord. 4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House. 5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem. 6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No! 7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her. 8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else. 9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff. 10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf! ________________________________________________ Laura and Ron had a huge argument and ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, Ron asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," Laura said, "So now you're speaking to me." Ron looked confused, "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" Laura challenged. "No," Ron said, "I just thought we were getting along." ____________________________________________________  ___________________________________________________ A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself." ___________________________________________________ Two old farmers were discussing how productive their bulls were. One farmer said he had a problem with his bull but the vet gave him some medicine and he was jumping on everything on the farm. The other farmer said his bull was not doing to well and asked what medicine the vet used so he could get some. The first farmer said he didn't know the name of the medicine but it tasted like chocolate. __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Marc Muffley, 40, ALLENTOWN, Pennsylvania, USA Explosive found in bag at Pennsylvania airport, Carrier arrested A man was arrested after an explosive was found in a bag checked onto a Florida-bound flight at an eastern Pennsylvania airport, federal authorities said. Marc Muffley, 40, is charged with possessing an explosive in an airport and possessing or attempting to place an explosive or incendiary device on an aircraft, according to a criminal complaint. Prosecutors allege that the material was found in a suitcase Muffley had checked in Monday at Lehigh Valley International Airport to Allegiant Air Flight 201, which was bound for Orlando Sanford International Airport in Florida. After an alert during security screening, the bag was examined and found hidden in the lining was a "circular compound" about three inches in diameter wrapped in a wax-like paper and clear plastic wrap. Marc Muffley An FBI bomb technician X-rayed the compound and concluded that it contained a granular powder consistent with a commercial grade firework" and "suspected to be a mixture of flash powder and the dark granulars that are used in commercial grade fireworks." Attached was a "quick fuse" similar to a candle wick apparently part of the original manufacture of the compound as well as a "hobby fuse" that burns more slowly and appeared to have been added after the manufacture, authorities said. Authorities said they concluded that both the black powder and flash powder "are susceptible to ignite from heat and friction and posed a significant risk to the aircraft and passengers," according to the criminal complaint. Authorities said Muffley was paged over the airports public address system and shortly thereafter he was seen leaving the airport. He was traced to a Lansford address where he was arrested by the FBI late Monday night. Officials said he remains in custody pending a probable cause hearing and detention hearing Thursday at 1:30 p.m. in Allentown, with Muffley attending via videoconference. ____________________________________________________ Anni got hired as a 911 dispatcher and is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so she can send the appropriate emergency equipment. One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital. After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, Anni asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?" "No," the woman nervously replied. "What?" _________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Pam RE: Windows Colors messed up Dear Webby, I lent my laptop to my MIL, and her daughter totally squewed up all the colors in Windows. You had taught me once upon a time, lonng, long ago, how to make active windows have a green top bar and border and inactive windows a red bar and borders, and have very visible colors for text. Now everything is as squewed up as my MIL is. BAD, BAD DOPE! Unfortunately, due to my Oldtimers disease, I cana't remember how to set all those colors. Btw., I use W7. Life is too short for getting hassled with W10. Thanks Pam Dear Pam Right-click on the desktop Personalize Appearance again Personalize There, hidden way down you can select Windows Classic and below that the second bottom from the left is for Window Color In there you can set EVERYTHING! Menu bars colors and fonts and sizes, border colors and sizes, anything you can think of. There is no need to put up with a dopey color scheme. Have FUN! DearWebby _________________________________________________ Today, March 6 1521, Ferdinand Magellan discovered Guam. 1808, At Harvard University, the first college orchestra was founded. 1820, The Missouri Compromise was enacted by the U.S. Congress and signed by U.S. President James Monroe. The act admitted Missouri into the Union as a slave state, but prohibited slavery in the rest of the northern Louisiana Purchase territory. 1834, The city of York in Upper Canada was incorporated as Toronto. 1836, The thirteen-day siege of the Alamo by Santa Anna and his army ended. The Mexican army of three thousand men defeated the 189 Texas volunteers. 1854, At the Washington Monument, several men stole the Pope's Stone from the lapidarium. 1857, The U.S. Supreme Court's Dred Scott decision ruled that blacks could not sue in federal court to be citizens. 1886, "The Nightingale" was first published. It was the first magazine for nurses. 1899, Aspirin was patented by German researchers Felix Hoffman and Hermann Dreser. 1900, In West Virginia, an explosion trapped 50 coal miners underground. 1901, An assassin tried to kill Wilhelm II of Germany in Bremen. 1907, British creditors of the Dominican Republic claimed that the U.S. had failed to collect debts. 1928, A Communist attack on Peking, China resulted in 3,000 dead and 50,000 fled to Swatow. 1939, In Spain, Jose Miaja took over the Madrid government after a military coup and vowed to seek "peace with honor." 1944, During World War II, U.S. heavy bombers began the first of many big American air raids on Berlin. Allied planes dropped 2000 tons of bombs. 1946, Ho Chi Minh, the President of Vietnam, struck an agreement with France that recognized his country as an autonomous state within the Indochinese Federation and the French Union. 1947, The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the contempt conviction of John L. Lewis. 1947, Winston Churchill announced that he opposed British troop withdrawals from India. 1947, The first air-conditioned naval ship, "The Newport News," was launched from Newport News, VA. 1957, The British African colonies of the Gold Coast and Togoland became the independent state of Ghana. 1960, Switzerland granted women the right to vote in municipal elections. 1960, The United States announced that it would send 3,500 troops to Vietnam. 1964, Tom Ohara set a new world indoor record when he ran the mile in 3 minutes, 56.4 seconds. 1967, U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson announced his plan to establish a draft lottery. 1970, Charles Manson released his album "Lies" to finance his defense against murder charges. 1973, U.S. President Richard Nixon imposed price controls on oil and gas. 1975, Iran and Iraq announced that they had settled their border dispute. 1980, Islamic militants in Tehran said that they would turn over American hostages to the Revolutionary Council. 1981, Walter Cronkite appeared on his last episode of "CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite." He had been on the job 19 years. 1981, U.S. President Reagan announced a plan to cut 37,000 federal jobs. 1985, Yul Brynner played his his 4,500th performance in the musical "The King and I." 1987, The British ferry Herald of Free Enterprise capsized in the Channel off the coast of Belgium. 189 people died. 1990, The Russian Parliament passed a law that sanctioned the ownership of private property. 1991, In Paris, five men were jailed for plotting to smuggle Libyan arms to the Irish Republican Army. 1992, The computer virus "Michelangelo" went into effect. 1997, A gunman stole "Tete de Femme," a million-dollar Picasso portrait, from a London gallery. The painting was recovered a week later. 1997, Britain's Queen Elizabeth II launched the first official royal Web site. 1998, A Connecticut state lottery accountant gunned down three supervisors and the lottery chief before killing himself. 2015, The NASA space probe Dawn entered orbit around the protoplanet Ceres in the asteroid belt. 2023, Do smiled. 
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