Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, July 26 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!  A couple of weeks ago Broom Hilda sent advance condolences regarding Epstein's upcoming suicide. Noble of her trying to save the Government a lot of money, but it looks like she, or her operator, have lost their touch. She better watch out! That could get quite embarrassing! _____________________________________________________ Today, July 26 in  1948 U.S. President Truman signed executive orders that prohibited discrimination in the U.S. armed forces and federal employment. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ 
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 Today's Bonehead Award: Roasted Scot  _______________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  _______________________________________________ Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors. --- Thomas H. Huxley (1825 - 1895) Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. --- Evan Esar _____________________________________________________ *Toddler Diet* Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most 2-year- olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. ______________________________________________________`   Man in the moon _____________________________________________________ 
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 ___________________________________________________   An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  John Irvine Bearsden, Glasgow, Scotland Great Britain r Roasted Scot  John Irvine, from Scotland, was told his bag was eight kilograms (17.6 lb) too heavy and that he wasn't allowed to check it in without paying a fee. Unwilling to waste his cash on EasyJet extra charges, or not having any left after all those souvenirs, he had a simple solution. He just put on eight kilograms worth of clothes when the weather was around 30C outside. Easy. The Irvine family had been travelling back from Nice in France to Edinburgh airport when son Josh filmed his dad piling on the shirts and jumpers, and posted it on Twitter saying his dad was 'sweating'. Josh, 17, told Metro.co.uk: 'We were coming home back to Bearsden, Glasgow from France on Saturday night and we never thought we'd be over the weight limit by eight kilos. Well, those liquid souvenirs are heavy! 'The lassie at the counter asked us if we wanted to pay extra but my dad just looked up at her and said Hen , watch this and zipped open the suitcase and quickly flung on about 15 jumpers to help cut down the weight. 'My ribs were sore from laughing. 'The staff were in stitches but trying to get through the security was a struggle because they thought he was trying to smuggle something under all his clothes. 'Thankfully we got through eventually.'  
 DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Bill Re: .NET Framework 3.5  Dear Webby: I am trying to run an app, Startup Sound Changer, that won't load. I get a message that I have to install ".NET3.5 (includes .NET 2.0 and 3.0)". I am unable to install this download. It will search ror a half hour and nothing happens. I have to use Task Manager to stop the search. I have followed Microsoft instructions and searched the internet. Nothing works. Do you know a way to install .NET3.5 (includes .NET 2.0 and 3.0)? If not, I will have to stop trying to use Startup Sound Changer that I got years ago on your recommendation. Or, is there another way to customize the startup sound? Thanks. Bill  Hi Bill Which version of Windows do you use? XP or W7 or W10? Startup Sound Changer is obsolete, and possibly that name is now used by a hijacker. Nowadays you are supposed to use the WinAero Tweaker. That seems to be a modern day version of TweakUI, which you might remember from W95 and XP. https://winaero.com/request.php?1796 Try that. Have FUN! DearWebby 
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 A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a twenty dollar bill in it. Now there are twenty one dollar bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward." 
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 FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm a FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're a FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so. ___________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Preparing to Paint Remove molding, outlet covers, and light fixtures so that they don't get paint on them. Anything that you can't remove, cover with plastic or masking tape. Your reward will be a much more attractive and professional looking paint job. thriftyfun.Com   ____________________________________________________   
  
Scepdic 
 ___________________________________________________ A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man." ___________________________________________________ New drugs for women: Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait 'til they moved out. Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. ___________________________________________________ A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!" __________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 A guy found a magic lamp, rubbed it, and a genie appeared and gave him the Midas touch. For the rest of his life, everything he touched turned into a muffler. ___________________________________________________  
 Today, July 26 in 1775 A postal system was established by the 2nd Continental Congress of the United States. The first Postmaster General was Benjamin Franklin. 1881 Thomas Edison and Patrick Kenny execute a patent application for a facsimile telegraph (U.S. Pat. 479,184). 1893 Commercial production of the Addressograph started in Chicago, IL. 1907 The Chester was launched. It was the first steam turbine propelled ship. 1908 U.S. Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte issued an order that created an investigative agency that was a forerunner of the FBI. 1945 Winston Churchill resigned as Britain's prime minister. 1948 U.S. President Truman signed executive orders that prohibited discrimination in the U.S. armed forces and federal employment. 1952 King Farouk I of Egypt abdicated in the wake of a coup led by Gamal Abdel Nasser. 1953 Fidel Castro began his revolt against Fulgencio Batista with an unsuccessful attack on an army barracks in eastern Cuba. Castro eventually ousted Batista six years later. 1956 Egyptian President Gamal Abdel Nasser nationalized the Suez Canal. 1971 Apollo 15 was launched from Cape Kennedy, FL. 1998 AT&T and British Telecommunications PLC announced they were forming a joint venture to combine international operations and develop a new Internet system. 1999 1,500 pieces of Marilyn Monroe's personal items went on display at Christie's in New York, NY. The items went on sale later in 1999. 2019 Do smiled.