Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, March 2 ___________________________________________________ Today, March 2 in 1917 The Russian Revolution began with Czar Nicholas II abdicating. ______________________________________________________ Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. Pancho Villa (1877 - 1923) A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores. --- Terry Pratchett ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Florida man, 28, is arrested for the 66th time on drugs and firearms charges __________________________________________ A man comes home from work to find total mayhem. The kids are outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud and muck. Empty food boxes and wrappers litter the lawn. Inside, he finds an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room is strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp has been knocked over. The man heads up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He is worried that she might be ill or that something has happened to her. He finds her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looks up at him, smiles, and asks how his day went. He looks at her bewildered and ask, "what happened here today?" "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" she says. "Yes," the man says. "Well, today I didn't do it." __________________________________________ Thanks to Jean for sending this picture: __________________________________________ A fellow buys a chainsaw after listening to a salesman's claims that it can cut 100 cords of wood in one day. The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours, and cutting only two cords, he quits. Something must be wrong with the chainsaw, he thinks. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" He vows to cut all day the next day, and so he gets up at 4 a.m. and cuts until nightfall. Still, he manages to cut only five cords. The man is convinced that he got a lemon, so he takes it back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer is baffled. He takes the chainsaw from the case and examines it. "It looks fine to me," he says. Then he puts some gas into the tank and pulls the cord and the chainsaw roars into action. The man jumps. "What's that noise?" he asks. ---------- I was told that joke by a guy from Quebec in 1970. He had a very strong French accent, and in his version of the joke, the guy who bought the chainsaw was from Montreal. I still remember his punchline: "Wha dat noise?" ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a DARWIN AWARD has been earned by Florida man, 28, is arrested for the 66th time on drugs and firearms charges Kizer Pontoon, 28, Sarasota, Florida Pontoon was taken in for resisting an officer, attempting to flee the scene with sirens activated and a moving traffic violation He has been on the run from authorities since June 2019 Sarasota authorities featured him four times in their Fugitive Friday series Pontoon was first arrested at age 12 in 2003 for disturbing the peace From there, Pontoon continued to rack up a laundry list of charges like petite theft, larceny, drug possession and possession of a firearm or ammunition. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Janice Re: Computer slowing down Dear Webby, I am so computer illiterate I have no idea what you just said. So I will just be thankful I have my DearWebby Humor letter again. I know there is a Linux but had no idea how many versions there were. I think I do now??? My computer is failing fast. I don't want a new one, I just want all that stuff that creeped on to disappear. I think what part I do use will be okay. IF I can get that creepy stuff off. I am working on it. My computer guru (my daughter's husband) here wants to put 10 on this machine but I keep telling him I don't want 10, I just want 7 to run smoothly. We are still talking but I got a feeling I am going to lose. I don't think 10 will run on this dinosaur. Or if it does, it will be slower than the one I have now. Oh well, I have vented and I will probably lose. I hate changing systems. How are you doing? I am so glad you are okay as far as I can tell, I was imagining the worst. I got my Webby fix and am a happy camper now. I am getting ready to read today's edition now. I am a creature of habit. Big Gentle Elephant Hugs!!! Janice Dear Janice OK, if you don't have MalwareBytes, get it. Then get "Should I Remove it" https://should-i-remove-it.en.softonic.com/ It does an inventory of everything you got, and tells you what is safe to remove. And it even helps you remove the crap. Then get CrapCleaner and clean fragments of old files and other useless crap. After that, your machine will be good and fast again. I agree, W10 probably would not run on that machine, but it is no help anyway. It just puts the steering wheel on the wrong side and mixes up the gas and brake pedal, and slows things down. And tries to make you switch to an expensive Mac. Just clean up, and your machine will be fine. Have FUN! DearWebby
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____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________ Consider the tale of the man who gets a job as a night watchman at a factory. Every morning when the night shift workers pass through his gate it is his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure they aren't stealing anything. Things are going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow full of newspapers comes through his gate. He thinks the man is using the papers to cover up what he is stealing, so he removes the paper only to find nothing. Still he feels the man is acting strangely, so he questions him about the paper. "I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away," the man says. The guard lets him pass, but decides to keep a close eye on him. Week after week it's the same. The guy pushes the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. One day after he had been on the job a year, the guard is summoned to his supervisor's office and fired. "Fired?" the watchman asks in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?" "It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you failed," the supervisor says. "What do you mean? Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard." "Oh, really," the boss answers. "Then how do you account for the fact that 365 wheelbarrows are missing?" _____________________________________________ GROAN ALERT! A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work. Then one day two of the monks, who had been discussing the problem, suggested they open a fish and chips stand down on the highway, right next to a scenic vista area popular with tourists. The other monks agreed, and the two put up the stand. One day a tourist who wanted to offer a compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?" "No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip monk." ____________________________________________ "I'm ashamed of you," the mother says. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me," the boy says, "so I threw one at him." "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me," the mother says. "What good would that have done?" the boy asks. "My aim's much better than yours." ____________________________________________ | No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today March 2 in 1807 The U.S. Congress passed an act to "prohibit the importation of slaves into any port or place within the jurisdiction of the United States... from any foreign kingdom, place, or country." 1836 Texas declared its independence from Mexico and an ad interim government was formed. 1866 Excelsior Needle Company began making sewing machine needles. 1877 In the U.S., Rutherford B. Hayes was declared the winner of the 1876 presidential election by the U.S. Congress. Samuel J. Tilden, however, had won the popular vote on November 7, 1876. 1897 U.S. President Cleveland vetoed legislation that would have required a literacy test for immigrants entering the country. 1900 The U.S. Congress voted to give $2 million in aid to Puerto Rico. 1901 The first telegraph company in Hawaii opened. 1901 The U.S. Congress passed the Platt amendment as a condition for withdrawal of U.S. troops. 1903 The Martha Washington Hotel opened for business in New York City. The hotel had 416 rooms and was the first hotel exclusively for women. 1906 A tornado in Mississippi killed 33 and did $5 million in damage. 1907 In Hamburg, Germany, dock workers went on strike after the end of the night shift. British strike breakers were brought in. The issue was settled on April 22, 1907. 1908 In New York, the Committee of the Russian Republican Administration was founded. 1908 In Paris, Gabriel Lippmann introduced three-dimensional color photography at the Academy of Sciences. 1917 The Russian Revolution began with Czar Nicholas II abdicating. 1917 Citizens of Puerto Rico were granted U.S. citizenship with the enactment of the Jones Act. 1925 State and federal highway officials developed a nationwide route-numbering system and adopted the familiar U.S. shield-shaped, numbered marker. 1929 The U.S. Court of Customs & Patent Appeals was created by the U.S. Congress. 1933 The motion picture King Kong had its world premiere in New York. 1939 The Massatwoshitts legislature voted to ratify the Bill of Rights to the U.S. Constitution. These first ten amendments had gone into effect 147 years before. 1946 Ho Chi Minh was elected President of Vietnam. 1949 The B-50 Superfortress Lucky Lady II landed in Fort Worth, TX. The American plane had completed the first non- stop around-the-world flight. 1962 Wilt 'The Stilt' Chamberlain scored 100 points against the New York Knicks 169-147. Chamberlain broke several NBA records in the game. 1969 In Toulouse, France, the supersonic transport Concorde made its first test flight. 1984 The first McDonald's franchise was closed. A new location was opened across the street from the old location in Des Plaines, IL. 1985 The U.S. government approved a screening test for AIDS that detected antibodies to the virus that allowed possibly contaminated blood to be kept out of the U.S.'s blood supply. 1986 Corazon Aquino was sworn into office as president of the Philippines. Her first public declaration was to restore the civil rights of the citizens of her country. 1987 The U.S. government reported that the median price for a new home had gone over $100,000 for the first time. 1989 Representatives from the 12 European Community nations all agreed to ban all production of CFCs (chlorofluorocarbons) by the end of the 20th century. 1995 Russian anti-corruption journalist Vladislav Listyev was killed by a gunman in Moscow. 1998 The U.N. Security Council endorsed U.N. chief Kofi Annan's deal to open Iraq's presidential palaces to arms inspectors. 1998 Images from the American spacecraft Galileo indicated that the Jupiter moon Europa has a liquid ocean and a source of interior heat. 2000 In Great Britain, Chile's former President Augusto Pinochet Ugarte was freed from house arrest and allowed to return to Chile. Britain's Home Secretary Jack Straw had concluded that Pinochet was mentally and physically unable to stand trial. Belgium, France, Spain and Switzerland had sought the former Chilean leader on human-rights violations. 2003 Over the Sea of Japan, there was a confrontation between four armed North Korean fighter jets and a U.S. RC- 135S Cobra Ball. No shots were fired in the encounter in international airspace about 150 miles off North Korea's coast. The U.S. Air Force announced that it would resume reconnaissance flights on March 12. 2004 NASA announced that the Mars rover Opportunity had discovered evidence that water had existed on Mars in the past. 2011 Steve Jobs unveiled Apple's iPad 2. 2016 The U.N. Security Council unanimously approved sanctions on North Korea that included mandatory inspections of cargo leaving and entering North Korea, a ban on all sales and transfers of small arms and light weapons and expulsion of diplomats that engage in "illicit activities." The sanctions were in reaction to the latest nuclear test and rocket launch in defiance of a ban on all nuclear- related activity. 2016 Astronaut Scott Kelly returned to Earth after 340 days in space aboard the International Space Station. 2020 Do smiled. |
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