Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, September 11  ___________________________________________________ History on this day, September 11, in 1985, A U.S. satellite passed through the tail of the Giacobini-Zinner comet. It was the first on-the-spot sampling of a comet. 2001 - In the U.S., four airliners were hijacked and were intentionally crashed. Two airliners hit the World Trade Center, which collapsed shortly after, in New York City, NY. One airliner hit the Pentagon in Arlington, VA. Another airliner crashed into a field in Pennsylvania. About 3,000 people were killed. ____________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award 2 men actually charged in South Side Chicago murder  ____________________________________________________ Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. --- Voltaire (1694 - 1778) I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. --- New York City detective Everything you can imagine is real. --- Pablo Picasso (1881 - 1973) ____________________________________________________ The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony. He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway. When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be fine." She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green. Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap. The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there. Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok. I think we can do better on the next hole." She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only *2* of those *5* shots were mine!" ____________________________________________________ Doctor: "Have you ever been troubled by appendicitis?" Patient: "Only when I've tried to spell it." __________________________________________________  Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Hernandez of Chicago, 18, Queijeiro of Oak Lawn,20, Chicago, Illinois, USA 2 men actually charged in South Side Chicago murder  A Chicago man and an Oak Lawn man have been charged in the murder of a 31-year-old man in the McKinley Park neighborhood earlier this week. On Monday, police say 18-year-old Julius Hernandez and 20- year-old Byron Queijeiro fired shots at two other men who were inside a vehicle in the 3700 block of South Paulina Street around 7 p.m. One of the victims, the 31-year-old, was struck in the body and taken to Stroger Hospital where he was pronounced dead, police said. The other victim, whose age is not known, was also shot in the body and taken to an area hospital in unknown condition. Shortly after the shooting, around 7:20 p.m., the two suspects were arrested in the 3200 block of South Paulina Street. They've each been charged with one count of first-degree murder. Hernandez and Queijeiro are due in body court on Thursday. There were about 50 people killed in Chicago during the long weekend, but these two were actually charged. _____________________________________________________ Real-Life Classified Ads ------------------------ 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. _____________________________________________________   Doug McQueen Sept/10 - Springbank - cute little Red-Breasted Nuthatch _____________________________________________________ A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." _____________________________________________________   Richard Morgan Bale shade when its 30 C in the afternoon. Mule deer bucks county of Pincher Creek. ___________________________________________________ On a family vacation in Texas, my brother-in-law Mike exhibited the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size. "Wow," he exclaimed, "everything is bigger in Texas!" As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 350-pound waitress. _________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Jeanne RE: Writing program Dear Webby, am going to have to do a lot of writing, mostly history of me and my family. The problem is, I don't have the money for Microsoft Office or any other expensive programs. What do you use and recommend? Jeanne  Dear Jeanne For the last 40 years or so I have used NoteTab. http://notetab.com So far I am using probably 10% of it's capabilities. You have a clipboard for frequently used stuff, and can have a whole bunch of files in tabs, just like browsers have copied. NoteTab is strictly for text, but with text it is extremely fast. If you have to add pictures, then I would recommend Open Office or Office Libre, which is pretty well the same as Microsoft office, except it is free. It has a WRITER (Like MS Office WORD). You can easily write a book with it, with illustrations. HaveFUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ Abe was well known for his cheapness and his 'eye for a bargain'. One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop. As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for $5. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece's name and address and gave the owner another $3 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had broken in the mail. A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived. "Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered." "What terrible luck." said Abe, "The Post Office is getting worse all the time." "It's really a shame," she replied. "It was so beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately." _____________________________________________________ A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." _____________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt- in confirmation request. ____________________________________________________  Today, September 11, in 1297, Scotsman William Wallace defeated the English forces of Sir Hugh de Cressingham at the Battle of Stirling Bridge. 1499, French forces took over Milan, Italy. 1609, Explorer Henry Hudson sailed into New York harbor and discovered Manhattan Island and the Hudson River. 1695, Imperial troops under Eugene of Savoy defeated the Turks at the Battle of Zenta. 1709, An Anglo-Dutch-Austrian force defeated the French in the Battle of Malplaquet. 1714, Spanish and French troops broke into Barcelona and ended Catalonia's sovereignty after 13 months of seige. 1776, A Peace Conference was held between British General Howe and three representatives of the Continental Congress (Benjamin Franklin, John Adams and Edward Rutledge). The conference failed and the American war for independence continued for seven more years. 1777, American forces, under General George Washington, were forced to retreat at the Battle of Brandywine Creek by British forces under William Howe. The Stars and Stripes (American flag) were carried for the first time in the battle. 1786, The Convention of Annapolis opened with the aim of revising the articles of the confederation. 1789, Alexander Hamilton was appointed by U.S. President George Washington to be the first secretary of the treasury. 1814, The U.S. fleet defeated a squadron of British ships in the Battle of Lake Champlain, VT. 1842, 1,400 Mexican troops captured San Antonio, TX. The Mexicans retreated with prisoners. 1855, The siege of Sevastopol ended when French, British and Piedmontese troops captured the main naval base of the Russian Black fleet in the Crimean War. 1875, "Professor Tidwissel's Burglar Alarm" was featured in the New York Daily Graphic and became the first comic strip to appear in a newspaper. 1877, The first comic-character timepiece was patented by the Waterbury Clock Company. 1883, The mail chute was patented by James Cutler. The new device was first used in the Elwood Building in Rochester, NY. 1897, A ten-week strike of coal workers in Pennsylvania, WV, and Ohio came to an end. The workers won an eight-hour workday, semi-monthly pay, and company stores were abolished. 1904, The U.S. battleship Connecticut was launched in New York. 1910, In Hollywood, the first commercially successful electric bus line opened. 1926, In Honolulu Harbor, HI, the Aloha Tower was dedicated. 1936, Boulder Dam in Nevada was dedicated by U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt by turning on the dam's first hydroelectric generator. The dam is now called Hoover Dam. 1941, U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave orders to attack any German or Italian vessels found in U.S. defensive waters. The U.S. had not officially entered World War II at this time. 1941, Charles A. Lindbergh brought on charges of anti- Semitism with a speech in which he blamed "the British, the Jewish and the Roosevelt administration" for trying to draw the United States into World War II. 1941, In Arlington, VA, the groundbreaking ceremony for the Pentagon took place. 1951, Florence Chadwick became the first woman to swim the English Channel from both directions. 1952, Dr. Charles Hufnagel successfully replaced a diseased aorta valve with an artificial valve made of plastic. 1954, The Miss America beauty pageant made its network TV debut on ABC. Miss California, Lee Ann Meriwether, was the winner. 1959, The U.S. Congress passed a bill authorizing the creation of food stamps. 1965, The 1st Cavalry Division (Airmobile) arrived in South Vietnam and was stationed at An Khe. 1974, "Little House On The Prairie" made its television debut. 1974, The St. Louis Cardinals and the New York Mets set a National League record when they played 25 innings. It was the second longest game in professional baseball history. 1977, The Atari 2600 was released. It was originally sold as the Atari VCS. The system was discontinued on January 1, 1992. 1985, Pete Rose (Cincinnati Reds) achieved hit number 4,192 to break the record held by Ty Cobb. 1985, A U.S. satellite passed through the tail of the Giacobini-Zinner comet. It was the first on-the-spot sampling of a comet. 1990, U.S. President Bush vowed "Saddam Hussein will fail" while addressing Congress on the Persian Gulf crisis. In the speech Bush spoke of an objective of a new world order, "freer from the threat of terror, stronger in the pursuit of justice, and more secure in the quest for peace". 1991, Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev announced that thousands of troops would be drawn out of Cuba. 1997, Scotland voted to create its own Parliament after 290 years of union with England. 1998, Independent counsel Kenneth Starr sent a report to the U.S. Congress accusing President Clinton of 11 possible impeachable offenses. 1999, The Wall Street Journal reported that Bayer Corp. had quit putting a wad of cotton in their bottles of aspirin. Bayer had actually stopped the practice earlier in the year. 2001, In the U.S., four airliners were hijacked and were intentionally crashed. Two airliners hit the World Trade Center, which collapsed shortly after, in New York City, NY. One airliner hit the Pentagon in Arlington, VA. Another airliner crashed into a field in Pennsylvania. About 3,000 people were killed. 2012, Terrorists attacked the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya. Four Americans were brutally murdered and ten others were injured when Hillary blocked marines stationed in the area from helping the Americans in Benghazi. 2022 Do! smiled.