Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, March 17 While you read this, I am on the way to Calgary. The plan is for Barb, who used to be my secretary, to drive me to Calgary for injections into my eyeballs. and back home afterward. Then I will get 3 days administrative duty (washing dishes, laundry, etc) unless one of you is brave enough to show up. While I would love that, I am not counting on that. Today in March 17 in 1966, A U.S. submarine found a missing H-bomb in the Mediterranean off of Spain. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Police seize $325K in cash, nearly 22,000 fentanyl pills, 10 guns during north Phoenix traffic stop ___________________________________________________ To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. --- Farmers' Almanac, 1978 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --- Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980) "An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today." --- Evan Esar ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Doug Logan for this joke: A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?" "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage. ____________________________________________________ Two not too very bright city guys decided to go into the dairy business. They drove up to a dairy farm and asked the owner if he had any cows for sale. The owner had been trying to get rid of an old, non performing bull for a while and told them he would let his best producing cow go for a mere one thousand dollars. The 2 guys said wonderful and loaded up the bull and left. They got back to their place and tried to milk their "cow" bull but didn't get any milk. So one of the guys ran back to the farmer to find out how to get the milk flowing. The farmer told them they had to make the cow drink plenty of water and then pump the tail up and down. Satisfied the city slicker went back and he and his partner pushed the bull down to the stream. Well, the bull wasn't very thirsty and didn't drink so one guy held the bulls head in the water and the other guy pumped vigorously with the tail. About that time the bull decided to take advantage of the raised tail and to dump some solids. The guy pumping yelled to his friend "Raise his head! The cow is sucking mud!" ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ The first time I heard the following joke, it was told to me about 35 years ago by Danny, a carpet layer. Knowing what he smoked, I actually believed him. According to his story, Danny had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out into the hallway for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He rummaged in his toolbox and found a butt. While he smoked that he surveyed the just finished room and spotted a bump in the carpet in the middle of the room. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his big rubber hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the stairway. Now, if only I could find my gerbil." ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!" ____________________________________________________ I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. "Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now." ____________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Agustin Vargas, 30, (left) Alberon Torrecil, 40, Phoenix, Arizona, USA Police seize $325K in cash, nearly 22,000 fentanyl pills, 10 guns during north Phoenix traffic stop Two people are now behind bars as a result of the drug bust, which happened near 19th Avenue and Dunlap. "It is another example of great police work. This is something the department does on a daily basis," said Sgt. Vincent Cole with Phoenix Police. The drug bust happened as officers were working near 19th Avenue and Dunlap, and learned about a car that was possibly transporting drugs. During the traffic stop, officers found $325,000 in cash, nearly 22,000 fentanyl pills, and multiple guns. "That amount of pills, we don't want that sort of those illegal substances distributed to our community and some of the stuff that comes in with big search warrants," said Sgt. Cole. "Our main concern is the protection of our community." The suspects have been identified as 40-year-old Alberon Torrecil and 30-year-old Agustin Vargas. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Dani Re: Xtra-PC Dear Webby, Have you heard or read about the Xtra-PC gadget that is supposed to make old slow computers faster? Do you know if it works and doesn't harm the computer. Or is it just a device to get money? Thanks as always, Have a great day. Dani Dear Dani It is just "Linux on a stick" with a manual, and has been around for 25 years or so. It works well, and extremely fast, because it boots of a USB stick, not off your hard drive, and not into Windows, but into Linux. On the Millions of store Point-Of-Sale machines, that works very well. The problem is that some programs can not handle rocket speed, and some Microsoft programs insist, that you run Windows. If you are familiar nd comfortable with Liux, then go for it, or with any of the many $20 clones. If you are not familiar with Linux, first find a Penguin, a linux user, in walking distance. Get him addicted to your apple pies or chocolate cakes, and the get him to coach you on Linux. You did not jump from knitting to Windows without a bit of coaching either. It is not difficult, but often a bit different. For example, to find a lost or misplaced fil on Windows, you crank up SEARCH EVERYTHING, and once it has foun that file, you quickly close that program, becaue it is a memory hog. On Linux, if you are looking for "Gramma1990", you type locate Gramma1990 and it spits out all the locations, where that file is. Yu can' go make another pot of coffee while you wait. You don't have to crank up a programfor that. Linux really spoils you. That is why almost all web servers run on Linux. Keep in mind though, there is some stuff out there, that won't work at that high speed. Luckily, there are replacent programs available on Linux. So, go find a Penguin, who likes your apple pies, and who lives in walking distance. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ A Navy Admiral ('which Navy' will go unspecified) was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chased by a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything. The charge was that of "being out of uniform." The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged." The charges were dismissed. ______________________________________________ A man moved into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. You sure got the traditional Hinkley nose. But you should do something about that punk hairstyle." ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Ed worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide announcements, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a timid female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys and need assistance." ___________________________________________________ | Today, March 17, in 0461, Bishop Patrick, St. Patrick, died in Saul. Ireland celebrates this day in his honor. 1756, St. Patrick's Day was celebrated in New York City for the first time. The event took place at the Crown and Thistle Tavern. 1766, Britain repealed the Stamp Act that had caused a lot of resentment in the North American colonies. 1776, British forces evacuated Boston to Nova Scotia during the Revolutionary War. 1868, Postage stamp canceling machine patent was issued. 1870, Wellesley College was incorporated by the Massachusetts legislature under its first name, Wellesley Female Seminary. 1884, In Otay, California, John Joseph Montgomery made the first manned, controlled, heavier-than-air glider flight in the United States. 1886, 20 Blacks were killed in the Carrollton Massacre in Mississippi. 1891, The British steamer Utopia sank off the coast of Gibraltar. 1901, In Paris, Vincent Van Gogh's paintings were shown at the Bernheim Gallery. 1909, In France, the communications industry was paralyzed by strikes. 1910, The Camp Fire Girls organization was founded by Luther and Charlotte Gulick. It was formally presented to the public exactly 2 years later. 1914, Russia increased the number of active duty military from 460,000 to 1,700,000. 1917, Americas first bowling tournament for ladies began in St. Louis, MO. Almost 100 women participated in the event. 1930, Al Capone was released from jail. 1930, In New York, construction began on the Empire State Building. Excavation at the site began on January 22. 1942, Douglas MacArthur became the Supreme Commander of the Allied forces in the Southwestern Pacific. 1944, During World War II, the U.S. bombed the hell out of Vienna. 1950, Scientists at the University of California at Berkeley announced that they had created a new radioactive element. They named it "californium". It is also known as element 98. 1958, The Vanguard 1 satellite was launched by the U.S. 1959, The Dalai Lama (Lhama Dhondrub, Tenzin Gyatso) fled Tibet and went to India. 1961, The U.S. increased military aid and technicians to Laos. 1962, Moscow asked the U.S. to pull out of South Vietnam. 1966, A U.S. submarine found a missing H-bomb in the Mediterranean off of Spain. 1967, Snoopy and Charlie Brown of "Peanuts" were on the cover of "LIFE" magazine. 1969, Golda Meir was sworn in as the fourth premier of Israel. 1970, The U.S. Army charged 14 officers with suppression of facts in the My Lai massacre case. 1972, U.S. President Nixon asked Congress to halt busing in order to achieve desegregation. 1973, Twenty were killed in Cambodia when a bomb went off that was meant for the Cambodian President Lon Nol. 1973, The first American prisoners of war (POWs) were released from the "Hanoi Hilton" in Hanoi, North Vietnam. 1982, In El Salvador, four Dutch television crewmembers were killed by government troops. 1985, U.S. President Reagan agreed to a joint study with Canada on acid rain. 1989, A series of solar flares caused a violent magnetic storm that brought power outages over large regions of Eastern Canada. 1992, In Buenos Aires, 10 people were killed in a suicide car-bomb attack against the Israeli embassy. 1992, White South Africans approved constitutional reforms to give legal equality to blacks. 1995, Gerry Adams became the first leader of Sinn Fein to be received at the White House. 1999, A panel of medical experts concluded that marijuana had medical benefits for people suffering from cancer and AIDS. 1999, The International Olympic Committee expelled six of its members in the wake of a bribery scandal. 2000, In Kanungu, Uganda, a fire at a church linked to the cult known as the Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments killed more than 530. On March 31, officials set the number of deaths linked to the cult at more than 900 after authorities subsequently found mass graves at various sites linked to the cult. 2004, NASA's Messenger became the first spacecraft to enter into orbit around Mercury. The probe took more than 270,000 pictures before it crashed into the surface of Mercury on April 30, 2015. 2007, Mike Modano (Dallas Stars) scored his 502nd and 503rd career goals making him the all-time U.S. leader in goal- scoring. 2022 Do smiled. |
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