Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, May 17 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Missouri children kidnapped by mother without custody found in Arizona __________________________________________________ On May 16 in 1996, U.S. President Clinton signed a measure requiring neighborhood notification when sex offenders move in. Megan's Law was named for 7-year-old Megan Kanka, who was raped and killed in 1994. _____________________________________________________ There is always more misery among the lower classes than there is humanity in the higher. --- Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --- Rita Mae Brown We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. --- David Russell ____________________________________________________ >From Bobbie I'm a Technician at a Chevrolet dealer where, a number of years ago, a somewhat irate customer insisted we look at her car before the handful of people that were in line ahead of her. There was a hideous buzzing noise emanating from the dash - you guessed it! - her battery powered lover had turned itself on inside the glove box! As we removed it from the car to display the cause, she was instantly silenced while the surrounding customers could barely contain themselves. Needless to say, we never saw that customer again. ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes, not counting the paperwork, which you can do online at home. They are calling the practice "Jiffy Boob." ____________________________________________________   Korban Schwab Calgary's official bird. Black-capped Chickadee ___________________________________________________ >From Ed Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead. ____________________________________________________ The stockbroker called his client and said, "Sam, I have good news and bad news." Sam said, "Tell me the bad news first." The stockbroker said, "Sam, I'm sorry, but I lost all of your money." Sam said, "What's the good news?" The stockbroker replied, "I got laid last night." ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Brittany Barnes and Ceairah Beverly, Missouri, USA  Missouri children kidnapped by mother without custody found in Arizona  Three children who were reportedly kidnapped in Missouri have been found safe in Arizona. U.S. Marshals say Brittany Barnes didn't have custody of her three kids, ages 8, 9 and 10, when she took them on March 23. They were found on May 13 at Casino Del Sol in Tucson. Officials said Barnes and her wife, Ceairah Beverly, had fled with the kids without permission during a scheduled visitation. An arrest warrant was issued on April 8, and investigators discovered information that placed all five of them in Arizona. Marshals began doing surveillance days earlier after tracking them down to a hotel near Tucson. Eventually, authorities found their vehicle parked outside of Casino Del Sol, and confirmed that the group had been staying at the hotel there. Barnes and her wife were both arrested and are awaiting extradition to Missouri. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Ian Re: Investment advice Dear Webby What do you think about all those investment advice newsletters out there? Ian  Dear Ian If any of those investment advisors knew what they are doing, then they would invest in their own scams, not try to get you to invest in them. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all, my business has just gone bust." "Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?" "I sell lucky charms," said Ted. 
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 _____________________________________________ Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" ______________________________________________ --------From Linda What did Gallileo Gallilei get jailed for? He was an astronomer and inventor, as far as I remember school. Linda-------- Hi Linda Gallileo Gallilei wrote about the sun being the center of the solar system, not the earth and Rome, and with the earth rotating around the sun, much like the moon is rotating around the earth. Rome, the Catholice church, did not like that idea. ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: "I never forget a friend. This was for cleaning the dishes all the time!" ___________________________________________________  
 Today, May 17, in 1540, Afghan chief Sher Khan defeated Mongul Emperor Humayun at Kanauj. 1630, Italian Jesuit Niccolo Zucchi saw the belts on Jupiter's surface. 1681, Louis XIV sent an expedition to aid James II in Ireland. As a result, England declares war on France. 1756, Britain declared war on France, beginning the French and Indian War. 1792, The New York Stock Exchange was founded at 70 Wall Street by 24 brokers. 1814, Denmark ceded Norway to Sweden. Norway's constitution, which provided a limited monarchy, was signed. 1875, The first Kentucky Derby was run at Louisville, KY. 1877, The first telephone switchboard burglar alarm was installed by Edwin T. Holmes. 1926, The U.S. Embassy in Buenos Aires was damaged by bombs that were believed set by sympathizers of Sacco and Vanzetti. 1932, The U.S. Congress changed the name "Porto Rico" to "Puerto Rico." 1939, The first fashion to be shown on television was broadcast in New York from the Ritz-Carleton Hotel. 1940, Germany occupied Brussels, Belgium and began the invasion of France. 1946, U.S. President Truman seized control of the nation's railroads, delaying a threatened strike by engineers and trainmen. 1948, The Soviet Union recognized the new state of Israel. 1954, The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled for school integration in Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka. The ruling declared that racially segregated schools were inherently unequal. 1956, The first synthetic mica (synthamica) was offered for sale in Caldwell Township, NJ. 1973, The U.S. Senate Watergate Committee began its hearings. 1975, NBC TV bought the rights to show "Gone With the Wind." The one time rights cost NBC $5,000,000. 1980, Rioting erupted in Miami's Liberty City neighborhood after an all-white jury in Tampa acquitted four former Miami police officers of fatally beating black insurance executive Arthur McDuffie. Eight people were killed in the rioting. 1985, Bobby Ewing died on the season finale of "Dallas" on CBS-TV. He returned the following season. 1987, An Iraqi warplane attacked the U.S. Navy frigate Stark in the Persian Gulf, killing 37 American sailors. Iraq and the United States called the attack a mistake. 1990, Kelsey Grammer was sentenced to 30 days in jail for DUI. 1996, U.S. President Clinton signed a measure requiring neighborhood notification when sex offenders move in. Megan's Law was named for 7-year-old Megan Kanka, who was raped and killed in 1994. 1997, Rebel leader Kabila declared himself president of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, formerly Zaire. 1997, Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flavin were married in London. 1999, Eric Ford, a tabloid photographer, was sentenced to 6 months at a halfway house, 3 years probation and 150 hours of community service. The sentence stemmed from a charge that Ford had eavesdropped on a call between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman and then sold a recording of the conversation. 2000, Thomas E. Blanton Jr. and David Luker surrendered to police in Birmingham, AL. The two former Ku Klux Klan members were arrested on charges from the bombing of a church in 1963 that killed four young black girls. 2000, Austria, the U.S. and six other countries agreed on the broad outline of a plan that would compensate Nazi-Era forced labor. 2000, It was announced that Terra Networks SA and Lycos would be merging with the new name to be Terra Lycos. Terra made the deal happen with the purchase of $12.5 billion in stock. 2002, Legoland Deutschland opened in Gnzburg, Germany. 2006, The U.S. aircraft carrier Oriskany was sunk about 24 miles off Pensacola Beach. It was the first vessel sunk under a Navy program to dispose of old warships by turning them into diving attractions. It was the largest man-made reef at the time of the sinking. 2007, Trains crossed the border dividing North and South Korea for the first time since 1953. 2016, The U.S. Senate approved legislation that would allow families of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks to sue the government of Saudi Arabia. 2022 Do smiled. 

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