| In last week's YouTube video, I explained that even though I willingly left the church, I still miss the community and suffered the loss of many friends. Many people respondedβ¦ βWell, then they werenβt really your friends!β Or, βIt wasnβt a real community!β Or, βIt wasnβt a true church!β I have a couple of responses to that. First of all, I know they probably donβt mean it, but it is rather dismissive of our feelings. If someone says they miss something, itβs not helpful to say that theyβre actually not missing anything. Itβs not helpful to say that theyβre stupid to miss something that wasnβt real. I know many people who are overboard, in my opinion, when it comes to Christmas. They all miss the innocence of their childhood when they believed in Santa and elves and flying reindeer. It doesnβt help to say that it was all a fairytale and it doesnβt make sense to miss it. Heck! I even miss the father I never had. Explain that one! The friendship was real. The community was real. Not perfect. But real! That's why the betrayal is real. That's why it hurts! It is totally possible to miss something that wasnβt 100% good for us. I know, because I miss some things that werenβt totally healthy for me. I think too many people are under the illusion that there is the perfect church, the perfect community, the perfect friend, and the perfect marriage. But there is no perfect church, community, friend, or marriage. They all fall on the spectrum somewhere between totally unhealthy and totally healthy. But they are never in one place on the spectrum at all times. There is constant sliding here and there. Sometimes itβs great. Sometimes itβs not. Lisa and I have been married going on 43 years. We have an awesome marriage. But wow it has taken a ton of work, experienced betrayals, hurts, disappointments, and even some short breakups. No perfect marriage. But perfect moments! The trick is to make more moments! So yes itβs totally possible to miss people who abused you, betrayed you, rejected you, and forgot about you. The same as it is possible to miss a church that wasnβt good for you, a community that let you down, and a marriage that was toxic. When youβre feeling something, donβt let people dismiss it. And donβt dismiss it yourself! Your feelings are trying to tell you something. Like maybe theyβre trying to tell you, βYes, that community wasnβt the best thing. You found that out and you acted on it to take care of yourself. Good for you! Now you know what to look for and what to avoid. Keep looking! You just may find it!β Right? If you're wondering which video sparked this discussion, I've linked it for you below. | 