Let’s say you’re on the dating market. You meet a nice person at a party, you two get along. You go out on a couple of dates, have a good time, and it seems to be going well.
But after a couple of weeks your new love interest phones you up and tells you that they’re not going to pursue this with you any further.
“We’re just not in sync.” Disappointing, but hard to argue with. Where do you go from there?
We’ve all been there, of course. But turns out “in sync” might be more than just a metaphor.
Neuroscientists put people in brain scanners during conversations and found an interesting pattern. When two people are genuinely connecting, their brainwaves sync up. The brainwaves associated with a word appeared in the speaker’s brain about 250 milliseconds before they said the word. And the brainwaves associated with that very same word appeared in the listener’s brain about 250 milliseconds after the word was said.
They’re literally on the same wavelength. This is called neural synchrony, or neural coupling – and it’s the key to influence.
When two people’s brainwaves sync, their conversation flows effortlessly; they are engaged, interested, and motivated to continue the talk.
The researchers went further and trained an AI to predict the depth of neural sync based on one thing: context. Not tone of voice. Not body language. The frame of the conversation.
Which means your date who said “we’re just not in sync” was being scientifically accurate. Your frames didn’t match.
This matters for anyone trying to lead or influence.
Most of us assume people resist change because they’re stubborn or scared. But maybe they’re just not syncing with us. Maybe we’re broadcasting on AM while they’re tuned to FM.
Good framing creates a container that holds both the hard truths and the possibilities. It says: “I see where you are. I know what you’re worried about. Here’s where we could go instead.”
When you talk to your team, they’re already running their own mental movies: “We’ve tried this before” “What’s the real agenda?” “Here comes another initiative that’ll die in six months” “I wonder if my resume is updated” We can’t pretend that movie isn’t playing. Name it and offer a better script. FDR did it during the Depression: “I am certain that my fellow Americans expect that on my induction into the Presidency I will address them with a candor and a decision which the present situation of our Nation impels.”
Translation: “I know you’re scared. I’m going to be straight with you. And then we’re going to act.”
Eisenhower did it before D-Day: “Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well equipped and battle-hardened. He will fight savagely.”
Translation: “I’m not going to sugarcoat this. Here’s what we’re really walking into.”
They created frames big enough to hold both the fear and the possibility. They got everyone’s brains broadcasting on the same frequency first.
The neuroscience proves what every good date already knows: Connection requires a shared context. A frame both people can step into.
Without it, you’re just two people at a table, checking your phones, waiting for the check. With it? That’s when the magic happens. That’s when “we’re not in sync” becomes “where have you been all my life?”
The frame defines the painting.
Every great leader sets the context early and often. Not because it’s a nice communication trick. Because it’s how human brains actually connect. |
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