>> Down under-performing <<
Stalling for a second time
The bad news for Top Gear just
keeps on coming.
The first episode of the recent
Chris Evans/Matt LeBlanc-fronted
series debuted last night in
Australia. It was placed in a
primetime evening slot on the
highest rated channel but only
managed to pull 161,000 viewers.
Not only is that beyond dismal
for the timeslot and channel,
it was absolutely smashed in
the ratings by... Peppa Pig.
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Happy birthday to Paloma Faith –
18, 21, 30 and 35 today!
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>> Big Questions <<
Who's prolapsing this week?
Which Oscar-nominated actor is
a big fan of a sexual practice
known as "dry-socketing"? He
likes his ladies good and dry
down there for added friction.
His preferred method of...
ahem, 'dehumidifying' his
lady friends is by plopping
a sock on the end of his chap
and sending it up there a few
times before commencing properly.
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Jeff Lynne's ELO comes to Wembley
Stadium, 24th June 2017. Popbitch
readers can enjoy the best seats
in the house with VIP hospitality
packages available from £249pp
(inc VAT). Call Harry Thorne on
0208 795 9540 or more info here
******************************* |
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>> Royal courtship <<
It's a small price toupée
Since he ditched his long-time
publicist last December, Elton
John has had a hell of a time
keeping his name out of the
papers. First there was that
disgruntled security guard
who claimed Elton was trying to
get his "todger" out. Then the
hairdresser who took him to a
tribunal over sexual harassment,
which lead to an unsuccessful
tangle at the Court of Appeal
with the Sun on Sunday.
It's clear he can't manage
this alone – so who has he
turned to for advice in these
trying times? Paddy Harverson,
who until recently was the
Communications Secretary to
Prince Charles and Camilla,
Duchess of Cornwall.
Finally, the chance to work
for a proper queen!
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Police in Croydon claim the district
is "the third best place in the
country for dogging."
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>> Raking over old Cole <<
Politics: not a grimy business
It's a good job that the youth
vote naturally skewed towards
Remain because David Cameron had
absolutely no idea how to court
the kids.
A few weeks before the vote,
one voice was heard echoing
around the halls of Number 10
saying: "We've got Lily Cole
on board, but what we really
need is a grime artist. Does
anybody know any grime artists?"
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Around 10 million of the world's
15 million puffins live in Iceland,
where raw puffin heart is eaten
as a delicacy.
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|
| >> Eyes on the prize <<
Tayloring your relationship
Since the phone-hacking scandal,
tabloids have had to clamp down
on using private investigators
to get celebrity information –
but private investigators have
since found a lucrative new
stream of clients: celebrities
themselves.
The hottest new person to put
on your payroll is a PI. Not
to get back at the tabloids,
but to gather information on
fellow celebrities instead –
something which is especially
helpful when setting up your
latest celeb romance.
It takes a bit of explaining
so (using lightning-rod-of-
the-moment, Taylor Swift,
as our purely hypothetical
example) we'll tell you all
about it here.
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Men in Ancient Greece men bummed
each other so much that brides in
Argos wore false beards on their
wedding night to help their husbands
adjust. Hence the term "beard".
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>> Long-armed and dangerous <<
Trump's small hand-me-downs
After Spy Magazine branded him
a "short-fingered vulgarian"
back in the 80s, there's been
a lot of talk about Donald
Trump's tiny hands – but new
information has since come
to light which suggests it
might be an optical illusion.
Melania Trump's dad (Mr Knavs)
gets hand-me-down clothes from
The Donald, but Mr Knavs had
to take two of Trump’s leather
jackets to a shop in Slovenia
for some alterations – because
the sleeves were too long.
So maybe the reason Trump's
hands look so tiny is because
they're attached to the end
of such weirdly long arms?
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What is it about hotel magnates and
naming their sons? Trump's son with
Melania = Barron. Conrad Hilton's
son and heir = Barron.
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>> Tax Shun Heroes <<
Popbitch Magazine: Issue 26
The July edition of Popbitch
Magazine is out now, and is
filled to the brim with loads
more exclusive stories and
silliness – including:
* A brief history of celeb
sex dwarf deaths
* Tax dodging: the dickheads
who do it, and the films it
helped fund
* The Popbitch Guide to the
New Conservative Cabinet
* PLUS: Max Clifford's secret
safe, the wit and wisdom of
Johnny Borrell, crazy Russian
cinema and much, much more...
Previews and downloads here |
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*******************************
Brexit Britain - celebrate or drown
your sorrows with a fine selection
of European wines. The Popbitch
Mixed Case Offer includes a Gareth
Bale, a Dmitri Payet, a Sophie
Loren and a Ken Clarke. Curious?
Take a look and buy a case.
******************************* |
|
| >> Spinal Tap II <<
Hamilton: The Musical
Reports and rumours about Lewis
Hamilton's secret R&B album have
been circling since at least 2012
– with various collaborators and
even Hamilton himself dropping
hints about its existence for
years now. So where is it?
Well, it seems like some of it
sneaked out last year, but the
American TV show 60 Minutes –
apparently unaware that they
were sat on the pop music scoop
of the century – resigned the
clips of Hamilton playing a
bemused Charlie Rose previews
of his jams to their online-
only 'Overtime' show.
Want to see Lewis Hamilton in
the studio? Of course you do. |
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Lewis has been hanging out with Leon
Anderson, most famous so far for a
Sun sting in which he was accused of
getting drugs for the Fake Sheikh,
as a dry run for the Tulisa story.
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| >> Hankering <<
We miss Nick Clegg
Lewis Hamilton isn't the only
one with a secret pop career.
The Times' Red Box reports that,
back before the 2015 general
election, Nick Clegg recorded
an £8,000 shot-for-shot remake
of Carly Rae Jepsen's video for
I Really Like You – taking the
part made famous by Tom Hanks.
The video has been (wisely,
if regrettably) shelved, but
if anyone thinks that it's an
obscene waste of party funds,
relax. Nick Clegg is the Lib
Dem's fourth biggest donor –
having handed over £14,300
this year alone, which more
than covers.
And therefore means that Nick
Clegg has basically paid to
film his very own Carly Rae
Jepsen parody video.
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Calum Best is signed up to star in
a new film from the people behind
Strippers v Werewolves. Thrillingly,
it's about London gangsterzzzz...
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| >> Parlez-vous Popbitch? <<
Sorry: still the hardest word
Refusing to admit wrongdoing and
dodging giving an apology is a
tricky art to master, but we've
been given two great new lines
this week – ones that will no
doubt prove to be very useful
for years to come.
"I would very much like to be
excluded from this narrative"
– Taylor Swift's rephrasing
of the classic "No comment"
"It would really take me too
long to engage in a fully
global itinerary of apology
to all concerned" – Boris
Johnson's latest reworking
of "Sorry, not sorry"
Melania Trump: take note(s).
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*****************************
Media Masters Podcast: What
happens when you appoint a 28
year-old PR guy as editor of a
daily newspaper? City AM did
just that. Hear how it worked.
***************************** |
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>> Hmmms <<
Clicks, coffee, Nic Cage
If you haven't yet played
the Southern Rail game,
get on it.
Russian Eurovision dude
Sergey Lazarev's new song.
Trump v Clinton, measured
in terms of Facebook likes.
Nic Cage pillowcase, anyone?
Shots of espresso in one go
needed to kill you? 110-120.
Donald Trump Jnr's extraordinary
insight into a Trump presidency.
Want to join Popbitch's fantasy
football league. Use this link
and get auto-added.
************************************
Thanks to: S, ANM, kerching, AMM, G,
poshduckhunter, misterman, HN, TJ,
J, whitemaninhammersmithpalais,
************************************
Old Jokes Home:
I went to the doctor for a check
up. He said, "How many times a
week do you masturbate, roughly?"
"Never". I answered. "I always
do it gently."
Still Bored?
The mailonline goes Mills & Boon:
"He kept his sculpted legs warm
with a pair of black gym leggings
that clung to every contour of
his rock-hard calves, which he
sculpted continuously during
his 20-year career."
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