Anne Lamott called it “mother rage.” A recent New York Times article on the topic used words like fury, terrifying anger, enraged, and relentless provocation.
No one is going to make the case that parenting is blissful and easy. But doesn’t rage seem like an extreme response to the frustrations, annoyances, and tests in patience that come with raising a child? As soon as the question came to mind, I flashed to mere months ago, when I myself was raging—with full-on clenched teeth and silent screams—at a baby who wanted to be in my arms rather than in his bed.
“Though it’s largely assumed that mothers have natural, self-giving love for their children (and we do), being a mom does not preclude real, powerful darkness from growing in our hearts,” wrote Hannah Nation for CT last week.
Friends, counselors, and societal support may offer solutions for handling our anger, and hopefully lessen the shame of feeling pushed to a breaking point, the Times noted. At the same time, our faith as Christians compels us to see and repent of our response as sin.
I soon noticed that there was a common factor for all the times when I spun into mom rage versus the cases where I happily rolled along with another late-night feed, outfit change, or fussy meltdown. It wasn’t the severity of the behavior—it was my plans and expectations. If I had set a bedtime in desperation to get sleep, was on my way to an appointment, or had something else on my schedule, suddenly my normal attitude of “babies will be babies!” transformed into “how DARE he!”
This anger, therefore, is not a mere emotional reaction, but indeed a manifestation of my sin. It reveals how much I cannot tolerate with another interrupting my plans—my freedom, really. Isn’t all sin a result of our selfish desires keeping us from loving God and loving others as we should?
Hannah similarly confessed, “When my child has sleepless nights, needs extra time in my arms, seems incapable of adapting to my schedule, or feels sick, those are the times I am most likely to rage against her. Those are the times I am most likely to believe that my needs—the needs of someone stronger, older, wiser, and healthier—are more important than hers.”
Of course there’s a place for enlisting help, taking breaks, and engaging in the kids of activities now deemed “self care.” Do all those things! Do not grit through this task alone! But ultimately, we do not want to be cycling through rage and avoidance. We want a kind of heart change and attitude, a true repentance, that allows us to keep our temporary frustration from flashing to anger.
No matter what sparks our rage—whether demanding babies or anything else—it’s worth asking: Why am I so mad? Is it because things are not going my way? In some cases, our angriest scenarios are a chance to “in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Phil. 2:3).
Kate
