Dear Friends,
Today I'm speaking with Jean Atman, author of our online course, Narcissistic Relationships: From Surviving to Thriving. I have to admit I haven't had experience dealing with a narcissist, although I do have a friend that just divorced a narcissist and understand the difficulty she went through. It is a fascinating topic and I hope you learn as much as I did. Please read on.
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Madisyn Taylor: Hi Jean. Right off the bat in the course, you help students identify a narcissist. What does a narcissist look like in our lives?
Jean Atman: A narcissist might be hard to spot out of a lineup because they appear like you and me. The main difference between us is that they are very focused on their own needs and desires and will do almost anything to get them met. Narcissists don't care whom they step over to get ahead. They may act as if they care about you, and they might in their own way, but this care comes from a place of self-serving. Sharing life with a narcissist may make you feel like you are shouting into the wind -- you are never really heard. The effort required to pacify their deep and infinite well of needs is an endless cycle and exhausting. You will feel insecurities rise as narcissists can make you feel very small. Narcissists like control and will not allow you to call the shots as that challenges their own deep insecurities too much. Living with a narcissist consists of much effort that is not productive for you -- it is self-sacrifice with no end in sight.
MT: I think many people are surprised that they have either ended up in a relationship with a narcissist or have a friendship with somebody with the trait. I'm sure they must be scratching their heads and feeling critical of themselves at the same time. What do you tell people when they are afraid to get into a new relationship for fear of ending up in the same boat?
JA: Many people have had exposure to a narcissist through family, work, friends, or a romantic relationship. You may wonder what you did to deserve something as brutal as that experience. I will tell you something you may not believe -- narcissists are our greatest teachers. Once you experience a narcissist in your life, you will never allow that to happen again. If you find that you have an active inner critic, it is time to shut them down. This journey has nothing to do with you making bad choices -- there is no such thing. We decide to take different routes to get to the same destination. Each direction carries various lessons, and we will always choose the path we are ready for whether we know it or not. A relationship with a narcissist will lead you to extreme clarity of what you don't want. The good news is that you can course correct at any time. Moreover, as your warrior begins to surface to finally set healthy boundaries, to claim your path and your life, to embody radical self-care, then you will know and understand how this person served you.
If you find yourself fearing another relationship following one with a narcissist, do your inner work. Instead of spending time on fear of attracting another narcissist or being alone, now is the time to focus on you. When you clear through your shadow parts, begin to honor yourself, and move away from toxicity to heal, you will have amazing discernment and clarity. Those tools will be with you for life. When you walk away from a negative experience with wisdom, you know that you will never allow that experience to happen again. We get stuck when we believe it was the other person's fault and that if we date someone else, it might be different this time. When you learn to love yourself, you will never again allow anything that even resembles a toxic relationship back into your life.
MT: We know it isn't our responsibility to change another person. When dealing with a narcissist, it wouldn't be possible anyway. What advice do you have for people who feel they can fix the narcissist?
JA: Many people, especially those who are giving, feel responsible for "helping" another person. I use the word helping in quotes because when it comes to soul growth and evolution, we cannot help anyone who does not want to help themselves. Real change and growth is an inside job. You may think you will be the savior where everyone else has failed. But everyone else has been unable to change a narcissist because they were meant to fail, as are you if you try to "fix" a narcissist. Change is up to the individual, and many narcissists are completely resistant to shifting. You will never help someone who is in opposition to their healing, and it's not your responsibility anyway.
MT: In lesson six you teach about fault and blame. Why is it so important to understand that it is not our fault if we end up with a narcissist?
JA: Blame can be an outward expression, or it can be an inward emotion that shows up as shame. Both blame and shame mask the underlying lesson you're meant to learn and are superficial ways of avoiding your inner work. If you grew up with a narcissist or entered into a relationship with one on your terms, you did so to learn epic lessons. When you can understand the depth of the experience, you can then appreciate the magnitude of the growth. We enter into each incarnation to learn, grow, and evolve. If we never have experiences we do not want, we will never make the changes we came into this incarnation to learn. There is never a need for fault or blame. All is divinely orchestrated for each one of us to propel us forward. Once you learn the process of healing, there will no longer be a need for blame. Instead, you will begin to see experiences as opportunities to learn and to excel in your life's true journey.
MT: Walk me through the journey a student will undergo when taking this course.
JA: My intentions within this course are to bring you into a deeper understanding of yourself based on your external circumstances. Once you learn how to translate your experiences into your evolutionary journey, the magic happens. You will first begin to gain clarity beyond your emotions. When you are an observer to your experience, instead of being consumed by the emotion of the moment, the fog begins to clear. Once you see what is happening in your experience, you will better understand how to navigate it. You then move into how to explore your inner world and deeper layers. When you gain an understanding of what makes you tick, you learn what you need to thrive. I then teach you how to access the places within that have been stifled. We bring them to the surface and nurture your true nature.
MT: How is this course set up?
JA: We start with the recognition of a toxic relationship, understanding what to do with that information, and move to beginning to heal. Each lesson is organized to guide you through the parts of your experience that you may not yet have explored. I intend to give you clarity on your path so you can make informed choices for yourself. Following each lesson, I offer a mindfulness practice of journaling. We move stagnant and stuck energy out of our bodies, and as we gain distance from the stagnancy, we gain clarity. Several questions at the end of each lesson assist you in diving into your deepest layers. When you ask yourself these questions, you will access the truth that is contained within you and is waiting to be heard. Once you attain awareness, you will find your power.
In addition to the journaling questions, I also include guided meditations. The meditations are brief but will allow you to access additional pieces of self that you may not have obtained. The beautiful benefit of meditation is that you gain access to your own answers. Some people find it challenging to make decisions. They are confused and ask for advice from others. When you develop a meditation practice, you simply go within, learn the truth, and your confusion turns to clarity. It's incredibly empowering.
MT: Tell me about the feedback you have received from students who have taken this course.
JA: One student who survived a narcissistic romantic relationship that left her angry and resentful found that her life began to take on a whole new form. She learned to trust her feelings and trust in her process. She learned how to bridge the gap between her feelings and intuition and to trust from that place of inner knowing. She released layers of anger and rage and found happiness and joy in life again. She is now open to the potential of a new romantic relationship, knowing she will draw in a completely different type of person because she is different. She is now excited about her future and sharing it with someone who loves her as much as she now loves herself.
Thank you, Jean. That is a beautiful story and I'm sure one of many. This has been a most insightful interview. If you have an interest in taking this course or want more information, just follow the link. Until next time.
Be well,
Madisyn Taylor
Cofounder, Editor-in-Chief
DailyOM
