1. National Guardsmen Return to Capitol After Being Booted

  RUN ALONG 

As many as 5,000 Guardsmen stationed in D.C. to ensure a peaceful inauguration were banished to a parking garage before being allowed to return following public outrage.

2. Iran Leader Posts Drawing of Drone Strike on Golfing Trump

 FORE! 

The pretty high-quality drawing shows the shadow of a drone looming over the former president while he takes a golf swing.

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3. Score Kate Spade Up to Seventy-Flipping-Five Percent Off

 AD BY KATE SPADE 

The Kate Spade Surprise Sale is back and more swoon-worthy than ever.

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4. DOJ Watchdog Investigating Resignation of ATL Fed Atty: WaPo

 LOOKING INTO IT 

Byung Pak left his post Jan. 4, just days after Donald Trump criticized him for not pursuing claims of voter fraud.

5. Dave Chappelle Tests Positive for COVID-19: TMZ

 OH NO 

The comedian has canceled several shows as a result of the diagnosis.

6. This Happy Face Sponge Brings Joy to My Cleaning Tasks

 CAN’T HELP BUT SMILE 

Finding joy in the little things means buying a kitchen sponge that makes you smile.

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7. Nearly 2,000 Vax Doses Wrecked After Cleaner Unplugs Freezer

 MY BAD 

Some 1,900 doses of the Moderna shot spoiled onboard a refrigerated truck in Boston’s Jamaica Plain neighborhood.

8. Rescuers Tell Trapped Chinese Miners: Wait Another 15 Days

 IN THE DARK 

Rescuers have managed to drill shafts to get the trapped workers some food and medicine, but they have now found a “severe blockage” that might take weeks to clear.

9. Biden Orders Immediate Action to Get Food to Hungry Families

 ‘HANGING BY A THREAD’ 

The president will reportedly sign an executive order to increase food-stamp benefits for the estimated 29 million adults and 8 million children going hungry.

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10. Trump’s Business Revenue Nosedived by $120M Last Year: WaPo

 TINY VIOLIN 

Sales at Trump’s 47 different companies reportedly cratered by 35 percent last year as the pandemic and his tarnished brand hit them hard.

11. Rep. Andy Harris Tried to Bring a Gun Into Congress: Report

 NEW RULES 

Harris has repeatedly defied the new security measures instituted since the Jan. 6 Capitol riot.

12. ‘30 Rock’ Star Jane Krakowski Denies Fling With MyPillow Guy

 PILLOW TALK 

The Daily Mail reported they were an item for nine months, but Lindell told the outlet, “I have never met that person.”

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13. Texas Doc Stole Vial of COVID Vaccine for Personal Use: Cops

 SKIPPING THE LINE 

He was caught because he blabbed about swiping it to a co-worker, authorities said.

14. AL Man in Capitol Riot Said He Was Following Alex Jones: FBI

 LUCY IN THE SKY 

William Watson violated a six-figure bond to travel to the Capitol, as he had been arrested the month before on charges of trafficking LSD and marijuana, prosecutors said.

15. Maryland Man Tweeted He Would Blow Up IRS, Kill Pelosi: Feds

 EXPLOSIVE 

“I am simply announcing my intentions to give employees a fair shot at escaping alive,” he allegedly wrote.

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