1.  Oklahoma Gov. Gives Plan for Businesses to Reopen on Friday

 BRACE YOURSELVES 

Gov. Kevin Stitt said salons and barbershops can reopen on Friday and restaurants, churches, and gyms can open their doors on May 1.

2.  U.K. Death Toll Is 41,000, Twice the Official Figure: Report

  SOME RECOUNT 

The number, which would give Britain the second-highest deaths in Europe, was reached by analyzing a huge spike in mortality since the pandemic began.

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3.  If You Must Go to the Grocery Store, Bring Your Own Cart

 HAUL IT ALL 

Your own grocery cart will help curb anxieties over touching all the other ones the rest of the general public uses.

4.  Harvard Tells Trump: We Never Got Paycheck Funds Anyway

 NOTHING TO PAY BACK, GENIUS 

The president interrupted his press conference to rail about the misallocation of Paycheck Protection Program Funds, including an attack on Harvard.

5.  Chinese Agents ‘Amplified’ Early U.S. Lockdown Text Rumors

 SOWING PANIC 

Foreign operatives may not have created the wave of mid-March text messages that alarmed millions of Americans, but are now said to have helped spread the false reports.

6.  Two Pet Cats in New York Test Positive for Coronavirus

 BUT DON’T PANIC 

“There’s no evidence that pets are playing a role in spreading this disease to people,” a CDC official said.

7.  Shirley Knight, Two-Time Oscar Nominee, Dies at Age 83

 HOLLYWOOD STAR 

Knight, who won a Tony Award in 1976, was best known for her roles in “Sweet Bird of Youth” and “The Dark at the Top of the Stairs.”

8.  Wash. Sheriff Slams Stay-at-Home Order as Unconstitutional

 LIFE, LIBERTY, LOSS 

Sheriff Adam Fortney of Snohomish County, which was the first place to report a positive coronavirus case in the U.S., said he won’t enforce the order.

9.  Tyson Foods Closes Its Largest Pork Plant Due to Coronavirus

 UNSAFE 

With at least 148 workers who have the coronavirus and two who have died, the meat company is the latest to close its plant due to an outbreak among workers.

10.  Calif. ‘Incel’ Charged Over ‘Violent’ Threats to Teen Girls

 JUST STOP 

Police say Carl Bennington, 33, cited Santa Barbara mass shooter Elliot Rodger and sent “hundreds” of unwanted messages.

11.  Comedian’s Viral Rant: $1,200 Checks Aren’t ‘Doing Sh*t’

  ‘DEAR GOVERNMENT’ 

“Tell the fu*kin’ banks and mortgage companies to stop all mortgage payments at this time,” Dibitetto yells in a YouTube video. “Don’t give me that three-month furlough bullsh*t.”

12.  Thief Used Sledgehammer to Steal Van Gogh Painting: Video

 CAUGHT ON CAMERA 

“The burglar broke through a number of doors and several layers of security that had been approved by security experts,” the Dutch museum’s managing director said.

13.  4 Men Held Woman Captive to Steal Her Stimulus Check: Cops

 BUSTED 

The woman told Indiana police that the men held her captive at gunpoint at her home to steal her stimulus payment.

14.  CNN Boss: Staff Will Not Return to Offices Until September

 STAY AT HOME 

In an internal note, obtained by The Daily Beast, CNN chief Jeff Zucker said “production of our programs will continue from home, as is it is now, until the end of summer.” 

15.  Luxury Fisher Island May Ask for Federal Small Business Loan

 PLEA FOR HELP 

The exclusive Miami island bought about 1,800 sought after coronavirus antibody tests for 800 families living on the island.

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