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be passed on or sold or traded to anybody. Good Morning, John! Today is Thursday, July 11 (�`v��) Ophelia
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Those, who click me some grocery money, ____________________________________________________ (�`v��) Ophelia
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 "Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?" Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?" "I'll say. What was the occasion?" "Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom." ____________________________________________________ 2 Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about." ____________________________________________________ 3 Subject: Facts If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??) Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?) A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.) After reading all these, all I can say is............. Lucky Pigs! _____________________________________________________________ 4 Here is an an ient classic: "Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces." "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other." ____________________________________________________ 5 A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" Farmer: "Yeah, I want one those dayvorce's." Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres." Attorney: "No you don't understand, do you have a case?" Farmer: "No I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge." Farmer: "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No, no, do you have a suit?" Farmer: "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Farmer: "No sire, we both get up about 4:30." Attorney: "Well is she a nagger or anything?" Farmer: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!" ___________________________________________________ 6 A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic... " Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed-they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!! "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook.... "I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother ___________________________________________________ 7 One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!" ___________________________________________________ 8 An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO said, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!" The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank! The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass. One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank. "Simple" said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, 'How would you like to get a 3-day pass?' "So we exchanged tanks!" ====================================================
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