Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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 Good Morning, John! Today is Friday, November 30 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!  (`v) Ophelia Renew / Upgrade 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 The new stewardess was summoned to the office of the head of the training program for a severe reprimand. "I heard about that episode on your first flight, Miss Larson," said the director, glaring over the top of her glasses. "From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll thank you to push his head down between his OWN legs!" ____________________________________________________ 2 A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest to discuss birth control, since they already had five children. The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable substitute in the eyes of the Church. The Priest explained that it was still considered a sin; totally banned according to their faith. The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da game, you no make-a da rules." ____________________________________________________ 3 An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad on the Internet. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like with a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get." ____________________________________________________ 4 On their way home, after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening. "Oh, it's not over yet." He said. Once home, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, inside are two small tablets. She asked, "But what are these two little pills?" "Aspirin." The man replied. "But, I don't have a headache." She said. He replied, "There you go, I told you the evening wasn't over yet!" ____________________________________________________ 5 George and Harriet were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude." "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing? "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price in THIS hotel!." "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it." George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?" ___________________________________________________ 6Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God...if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,"she prayed. And just like that, ****POOF***** her ears fell off. ___________________________________________________ 7 "Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please." "All right, what is your age?" "I'm 22, sir." "And the age of the bride?" "She's 15, sir." "15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!" "I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella behind me, the one with the shotgun?" ___________________________________________________ 8 DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man. EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, usually interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does. SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. ==================================================== 
 
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