Post to the Host

Hanukkah candles shine so bright
On a menorah that glows through the nights.
Leaping lords, ten o’er a fence,
Into a lake; makes no sense,
Despite the seven swans a-swimming,
Youngsters delight in seasonal joys,
2 elves now jailed for stealing some toys.
0ne partridge now out of sight.
2 turtle doves eloped through the night

In a holiday with lingering COVID fears,
Hoping 2022 is a much better year.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, GARRISON

Edy

Dear GK,

I want you to know how much you help my heart and the hearts of my family — especially on December 11, when you’ve remained true to mentioning the birthday of my mother, Grace Paley, and her work in your field.

I’m sitting in front of my stove in tears of communion and gratitude to hear her name and the strength of your time embracive voice.

Nora Paley

It’s my pleasure, Nora. Your mother’s books were important to me and I don’t think I’m capable of saying why in a critical appreciation but at least I can note her birthday and perhaps lead a few people to have a look at her stories. Now and then I am irked by a 21-gun tribute to a writer I feel is third-rate and I sigh and let it pass — what can you do? — well, you can go back and read The Little Disturbances of Man and marvel at how accomplished she was from the very start. Blessings on all of her tribe.

GK

Ed. Note:  https://www.garrisonkeillor.com/radio/twa-the-writers-almanac-for-december-11-2021/

Don’t be so quick to believe Wikipedia about what Methodist meant. My understanding is that it was a unique “method” that the brothers invented in the face of extreme polarizing Christianity at that time in history to try to recapture the simplicity and diligence to a prayer life without encumbrances of all the “trappings” of Rome. 

Lynn, devoted follower of yours

I’m an old Episcopalian, Lynn, and of course we do have our trappings but on Christmas Eve, due to COVID, the doors of St. Michael’s were left wide open so the cold wind could blow through and I sat, half-frozen in my overcoat, holding a little taper, and sang the Christmas songs through a mask, and it was a soulful evening. I thought the term “Methodist” was a term of derision used by anti-Wesleyans and that it referred to their systematic study of Scripture, but I don’t think I got that from Wikipedia. In any case, the true religion of America is sports, particularly football, and it is a state religion, and we remaining Christians are diminishing rapidly.

GK

Thanks for your thoughtful humor. Where can I listen to The Bethel Gospel Quartet (the old recordings that you so lovingly referenced)?

Gerald Smida

You’ll find some of their old Victor recordings on YouTube but not enough. You’ll find more on CDs of Black gospel quartets of the Twenties and Thirties.

GK

Dear Mr. Keillor,

I’m your biggest fan from Japan. A few months ago, I just returned to the US of A, after living 25 years there. Mentally, I’m still stuck in 1996. Where did my country go, dude?

Your articles kept me laughing over there and now back here. I realize this is a long shot, but I’d be thrilled to talk with you. I’m a modern-day Rip Van Winkle.

Your friend,
Matt Sussman

You and I, both, sir. Except I have one foot in 1959. I still hesitate to make long-distance phone calls, thinking of the expense, until I remember that there is no such thing any longer. As for us talking, I’m afraid we’d mostly be reminiscing, and I try to avoid that. I like to hear young people making plans for the future. But you should write about your time in Japan. A rare experience for an American, no?

GK

You are an American. Your national anthem has a range of an octave and a fifth. The tune comes from a drinking song, which is appropriate, because it’s easier to sing when you’re drunk. And you’re criticizing “O Canada”?

Yeah, the English words are banal, and that’s putting it mildly. The French words — I sing it in French, because it was written in French — are chauvinistic, exclusionary, totally unacceptable — but that’s what national anthems are supposed to be.

Elizabeth Block, Toronto

Bravo, Elizabeth. An excellent putdown — a double putdown — and I’d only respond that I’ve led many audiences in singing The SSB and if you start it on a modest low note, it comes to a thrilling finish. The sopranos who sing it at ballgames start it higher so they can scream at the end, but we baritones don’t. Happy New Year.

GK

Dear GK,

Have you heard the one about Old Schmidt?

The doctor calls Old Schmidt and says, “Schmidt, I need you to come into the office; your test results are in.”

Old Schmidt says, “Oh, okay, den.”

Old Schmidt sits in the exam room, the doctor comes in and closes the door.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news,” says the doctor, “but you have cancer.”

Old Schmidt looks at the floor and nods his head.

And then the doctor says, with a heavy sigh, “And you have Alzheimer’s.”

“Well,” says Old Schmidt, “at least I don’t have cancer.”

Heard it down at the barber shop.

Best,

Cliff Adams

Dear GK,

While watching a recent local Fox News report on TV about a Christians for Righteousness gathering here in Texas, I thought I saw you in the crowded auditorium listening to the speaker at this event. To my surprise and utter amazement, the camera focused for more than 20 seconds on the stern but quizzical look on your face. It seemed that the news camera operator recognized you among the crowd of enthusiastic believers and wanted to bring attention to this unusual minor-celebrity spotting. Caught between my disbelief about your presence at this kind of gathering and my reliance on what I observe with my own eyes, I contacted our local Fox News affiliate and asked for a copy of the video footage where you were showcased in this assembly of the righteous. After still-framing the video and doing some careful examination I concluded that the person of interest in this clip was your doppelganger. For all the incredible look-alike features that this older gentleman shares with you, I concluded you probably wouldn’t wear purple-rimmed Warby Parker glasses and a paisley bowtie to a church event. Please confirm that this wasn’t in fact you that I saw at this Christians for Righteousness gathering. Otherwise, be on alert for someone out there who could claim to be you and get away with it if he wore the right attire. This guy may be one of those Canadians who has slipped across our northern border to undermine our confidence in the media. If need be, I am prepared to ask our Texas governor to send the National Guard up there to keep these cultural charlatans from infiltrating our nation.

Sammy Joe Criswell

Wink, Texas

It wasn’t I, sir. Is there really a Wink, Texas?

GK

One of your best songs is “The Days Are Short” that Jearlyn Steele sings in the Prairie Home movie. (“Why do you work so hard to get what you don’t even want?” are words to live by.) I’ve listened to the probably unauthorized clip on YouTube many times, and for some reason it’s translated into Catalan. Do you have a big Catalan-speaking fan base?

Karen Pernell

I’m not finding that song on YouTube but maybe I don’t know how to conduct a serious search. In any case, I’d be happy to have it sung in Catalan or any other language.

GK

I don’t know about a half-billion, but when you publish a collection of your light verse I will shell out for a copy. And I rarely buy books. If I want to read them, that’s what the public library is for. I buy them if I want to own them as well as read them.

I don’t know if you’re one of the great rhymers — Nöel Coward, Cole Porter, Tom Lehrer, Michael Flanders, W.S. Gilbert — but you’re one of the really good ones. There ought to be a prize, a Pulitzer or something, for light verse, and you ought to get it. It gives great pleasure to both the writer and the reader. And it’s harder than it looks.

Elizabeth Block, occasional lyricist

Toronto

Are there two Elizabeth Blocks in Toronto? Did you just badmouth my national anthem? Well, I’m honored that you even mention me in the same sentence as Michael Flanders, the man who wrote, “Mud, mud, glorious mud, nothing quite like it for cooling the blood. So follow me, follow, down to the hollow and there let us wallow in glorious mud.”

GK

Watching the Kennedy Center Honors broadcast this evening, I can only imagine how fitting it would be for you to be included in this illustrious group.

Certainly you have contributed as much with A Prairie Home Companion and The Writer’s Almanac to our American shared cultural life experience as the Canadian native Lorne Michaels?

It may not be possible now, but believe me, Mr. Keillor, it is not for lack of appreciation for your talent — and many contributions to our heritage. Be well.

Mary O’Hara Stacy

I’m a rube from Minnesota, Mary, and the Kennedy Honors is the big-time. It’s a TV show with a huge audience and 95 percent of them would be rather puzzled to see me there. I’m exactly where I belong, sitting at a table in my living room, writing a note to you.

GK

Good morning,

Let me first start off by saying, as you might deduce from my email address, that I’m a pastor who has listened to PHC since 1994. It always seemed my wife and two kids were going somewhere and/or returning around that magic hour of 5 p.m. when we lived in Sioux County, Iowa, about an hour north of Sioux City. You riveted me with the news in January ’96 about a soul who had lost her way and died in the Cities but Pastor Ingqvist said everyone deserves a funeral. That has always stayed with me.

You did a show in Sioux City back in ’03 where you closed the show with a singing of the Doxology, and it brought tears to my eyes. My wife and I recently attended your tour stop in Holland, Michigan, and I wept (again) when we sang “When Peace Like a River” at the beginning. My wife and I laughed uproariously about wanting Republicans as your air crew. We greatly enjoyed hearing the latest news from the edge of the prairie. We were so blessed being in your company that evening. I bid you peace as we celebrate the Nativity of our Lord.

Rev. Mike McDonald, Grand Rapids, MI

I was moved by the singing of both those audiences. Congregate singing is a rare pleasure as younger generations come up who don’t know songs in common. I wonder what percentage of people under 40 know the national anthem by heart, or “America the Beautiful,” or three verses of “Amazing Grace.” So when a crowd sings those songs a cappella, it’s engaged in a vanishing ritual. I’m grateful to be part of a generation that can enjoy it.

GK

Ed. Note: Every morning aboard our cruises, Garrison gathered with 50+ early morning risers to sing together. This clip was caught by one of our fellow passengers.