1. QAnon Shaman Whines: Trump Groomed Me and Millions of Others

  POOR ME 

The most famous Capitol rioter has recently become far more willing to publicly criticize the former president than most Republican lawmakers.

2. NBA Probes Claim Jazz VP Threatened Star With Racist Slur

 EXPLAIN YOURSELF 

Former guard Elijah Millsap alleges that a white top Jazz exec told him at his exit interview: “If you say one more word, I’ll cut your Black ass and send you back to Louisiana.”

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3. This Squishy Kitchen Mat Is Making Me Rethink My Wood Floors

 SQUISH SQUISH 

This kitchen mat feels like I’m wearing the orthopedic insoles I probably need—and plus, it looks cool, too.

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4. U.S. Jets Strike Syrian Site Used by Iran-Backed Militias

 FROM ABOVE 

The attack is Joe Biden’s first military action in office.

5. Hollywood Dog-Walkers Arming Up After Gaga Pooch Theft: TMZ

 PAW PATROL 

Lady Gaga’s dog walker, Ryan Fischer, is recovering from his injuries in a Los Angeles hospital after Wednesday night’s armed theft.

6. Sponges Are Gross, but These Silicone Ones Are Brilliant

 SCRUB A DUB DUB 

If you are tired of dealing with gross disposable sponges, these silicone ones not only make a great replacement, but they also do a whole lot more.

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7. Tiger Woods Switches Hospitals to Begin ‘Uncertain’ Recovery

 ON THE MEND 

The world’s greatest-ever golfer has been sent to Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles for his “continuing orthopedic care and recovery.”

8. Asian Man ‘Critical’ After NYC Stabbing Amid Rash of Attacks

 SNEAK ATTACK 

According to NBC New York, the attack was initially being investigated as a possible hate crime, but the NYPD later determined that it wasn’t related to race.

9. Boehner Tells Cruz ‘Go F**k Yourself’ in New Memoir

 ‘BLAME THE WINE’ 

The former House speaker tweeted a picture of himself swilling wine during a Thursday recording session for the audio version of the book.

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10. Colorado Sgt. to Judge: Show Mercy to Rioter Who Beat Cop

 SAY WHAT 

“I still believe Jeff Sabol to be an honorable person... and a good human being,” the unnamed sergeant wrote in a letter of support.

11. Don Jr: My Dad Showed You Don’t Have to ‘Lose Gracefully’

 YOU DON’T SAY? 

The former president’s son’s comments come fifty days after Trump incited an insurrectionist mob to stop the certification of his successor's election victory.

12. Wife of Slain Dallas Man ‘Entangled’ With His Killer: DOJ

 ‘FULL-BLOWN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR’ 

Jennifer Faith was coaching her husband’s accused killer on how to evade getting caught in his murder while giving distraught media interviews about his death, feds say.

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13. DNA From Vanilla Coke Can Cracks 1981 Colorado Murder

 IT’S IN THE GENES 

Genealogical sleuthing identified a suspect, but it was a soda can that nailed it.

14. FBI Investigating Mystery Object Seen Over New Mexico

 UFO? 

American Airlines confirmed that their flight crew called in a flying object that “almost looked like a cruise missile” somewhere over New Mexico.

15. NY Cemetery Worker Is Buried Alive While Preparing Grave

 NIGHTMARE 

Co-workers’ efforts to dig the man out were “unsuccessful,” police said.

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