In the opening episode of season three of The Bear, head chef Carmy draws up a list that he titles “non-negotiables” – things that he and his team must do at all times to pursue a level of “greatness”. The list lurches between the self-explanatory (“shirts perfectly pressed”), and the nonsensical (“vibrant collaboration”). Some, such as “consolidation and speed”, sound like buzzwords he’s picked up from listening to one too many “business bro” podcasts.
But Carmy isn’t alone in his love of rules. “Non-negotiables” are a trend on social media, spanning everything from dating and health to makeup and work. On TikTok there are 54m videos discussing the term. Among the most watched – nearly 2m views and counting – is one from a user outlining seven non-negotiables that changed her dating life. They include things such as “reciprocity” and handling “your fucking emotions like an adult”.
There are morning “non-negotiables” that include doing 10,000 steps and keeping a journal, while skincare iterations suggest wearing SPF every day and dry body brushing. Sunday night “non-negotiables” include meal prepping, while nine hours of sleep are mandatory on Mondays. You name the category, there’s a non-negotiable for it. Weight loss, looking after a new puppy, weddings, holidays, parenting, job interviews and decorating … on and on they go.
In its simplest form, a non-negotiable is something that cannot be altered. There’s no umming and ahhing, no “I could do this instead” or “but what if I did that?”. So, in a world filled with options, where the “tyranny of choice” can be paralysing, is there some worth in this mandatory instruction to yourself or to others?
Liza Walter-Nelson, chair of The British Psychological Society’s Division of Occupational Psychology, says that although the term has become rampant in life coaching videos, it’s not commonly used in psychology. Instead, she points out how, in various psychological treatments such as cognitive behavioural therapy, professionals will instead typically discuss concepts such as values with their patients. Unlike non-negotiables, which are definite from the get-go, values are more nuanced as they encourage discussion. They can help people to determine their priorities and to set boundaries.
There are positives to goal setting in some environments, of course. Walter-Nelson says that in the workplace, for instance, specific objectives can give employees a clear purpose, bringing meaning to their work. “Having less confusion about what’s expected of you can also bolster your own personal wellbeing,” she says. However, she cautions against assigning “non-negotiables” to both your professional and personal life.
“In terms of therapeutic speak, a non-negotiable is very rigid as a phrase,” Walter-Nelson says. “It lacks flexibility. Most therapeutic interventions are there to help you grow. Sometimes you have to do that by being flexible. And you have to do that by being willing to change something or reframe something.”
No spoilers but, as The Bear plays out, it becomes clear how Carmy’s non-negotiables – which are full of contradictions including “respect tradition” but also “push boundaries”, and to change the menu every day but never repeat ingredients and ensure there are “no surprises” – do not go well. TikTok advocates: you have been warned.
A stickler for the rules … Jeremy Allen White as Carmy in The Bear. Photograph: FX
