Dear Friends,
Today I have an interview with course author Kim Schneiderman. We will dive deep into her course, Reframing Your Narrative About Challenging Relationships. Let's get started.
Madisyn Taylor: What does it mean to reframe your narrative about challenging relationships, and why do we need to do it?
Kim Schneiderman: At some point, everyone experiences a challenging relationship, whether it's with a relative, boss, partner, friend, or colleague. Consciously or not, we all have a story we tell ourselves about that relationship. A familiar refrain is "This person makes me miserable. If only he/she would change." While the feelings and the wish are understandable, such a narrative usually leaves us feeling resentful, powerless, and victimized. Often, we carry these emotions into our interactions, reacting with anger or avoidance, which can perpetuate the problematic dynamic. The trouble with becoming stuck in one limiting story is that we fail to recognize the more inspiring narratives that could liberate us if we could only embrace them. That is the power of reframing one's narrative - being able to step out and view all the possible scenarios from an elevated perspective.
After all, we are constantly sifting through several competing narratives to make sense of our world for ourselves and others. Whether we consider ourselves heroic figures overcoming obstacles or victims of circumstance depends on how we choose to read the text of our lives. For example, seeing a challenging relationship as an opportunity to embrace self-love, practice assertiveness, or heal childhood wounds will make us feel a whole lot better than presenting it as evidence of worthlessness or victimhood.
My course proposes telling your story as a personal growth adventure, using the story framework and writing exercises to reframe challenges as stepping-stones to a more powerful, self-aware, and confident you. That means seeing yourself as the protagonist of your unfolding story and understanding how, like in all classic stories, your nemesis or challenging relationship might be unwittingly conspiring to help you grow and stretch beyond your comfort zone.
The truth is we can't change other people. But whether or not our adversaries "get us" or validate our choices doesn't matter as much when we feel like we are in the driver's seat of our own personal and spiritual development, with choices to make about how to best take care of ourselves.
MT: Would you consider this a writing course? What do you say to someone who doesn't consider themselves a writer?
KS: Yes and no. This course is perhaps best described as a relationship-wisdom course that uses perspective-bending writing exercises to liberate people from their self-defeating stories about challenging relationships. Every lesson contains a series of writing exercises that I recommend completing. But the goal is not writing well; the goal is self-discovery.
In fact, the pressures of "writing well" often activate the ego, which can get in the way of seeing one's story from an elevated perspective. That's why my course uses lots of tools and tricks, like writing in the third person to help habitual writers and novices alike free themselves from the shackles of their inner critics. This isn't just a clever gimmick. It's based on a growing body of research that shows that people who view their lives in the third person tend to see themselves through more compassionate eyes.
Writing in the third person tricks the protective, censoring ego into thinking that we're writing about someone else's life. Writing about yourself in the third person creates an opening to be more curious about the direction of your own unfolding story. For example, instead of fearing the unknown, you might wonder what this protagonist will do next. Will she leave the relationship, stand up to her mother, or finally go to a 12-step meeting to stop drinking away her pain? Such a viewpoint can increase your sense of satisfaction and compassion toward yourself, or alternatively, it can serve as a wake-up call if the character you are playing doesn't fit the picture of who you imagine yourself to be.
MT: Walk me through what it would be like for a student to take this course.
KS: A student may approach this course with a mixture of hope and trepidation. Most likely, they are seeking relief. But perhaps a part of them may be little reluctant to delve into the tender, wounded places, which is understandable, of course.
That's why I begin by gently introducing them to the transformational power of storytelling. Next, I have them explore whether they've been telling a self-defeating story or more expansive soul narrative, so they can understand their habitual patterns of thinking and how they might be bogging them down.
From there, I invite them to imagine themselves as the hero or heroine of their own personal growth adventure. To help them step into this role, I offer them several different writing exercises that play with different ways of seeing their story. But before delving into more sensitive areas of their storyline, I help them feel empowered by taking stock of their strengths. And then we're ready for the deep but carefully guided dive into the more vulnerable places that lie at the heart of their distress. They're often heartened to discover the inner voices that are just trying to protect them and rooting for their well-being.
One of people's favorite exercises is the one toward the end in which I ask them to give themselves the blessing they are seeking from their nemesis. This helps them really internalize that even though they can't change the person who is triggering them, they can change how they respond by nurturing and encouraging their inner heroine. I wrap it up by helping them imagine an inspiring resolution to their story, reflected in their attitude shift, and the steps they might take to make that happen. This leaves them feeling empowered and transformed.
MT: How can challenging relationships help us grow? Can they also bring us down?
KS: Many of us don't think twice about pushing ourselves to the point of pain and exhaustion at the gym. Yet when life pushes us to exercise our emotional, spiritual, and mental muscles, we often would prefer lighter, gentler, no-impact routines. However, until we are willing to build these character development muscles, we will remain somewhat stunted in our growth, unable to actualize the full strength of what we are capable of, whether in our career, relationships, or communities.
That's why challenging relationships are an important part of our story. Our adversaries are like the personal trainers who push us beyond our perceived limitations to develop our underutilized emotional muscles. As with a personal trainer, we might openly swear or grin through gritted teeth. We might assign the person sadistic aspirations, thinking the trainer wants to harm or destroy us. But if we read between the lines, whether we like it or not, our adversary can help us strengthen the underdeveloped areas within ourselves. By definition, they force us to stretch beyond our perceived limitations to discover the true depth of our own capacity to love, succeed, and overcome obstacles.
That's not to say that we should seek out conflict for personal growth's sake or use character development as an excuse to endure chronically painful or unpleasant circumstances. Constant pain is a sign that something is amiss. Yet any workout should include a little discomfort so we increase our flexibility to handle more intense situations with greater degrees of ease. It reminds me of something a dance teacher once told me: "Sometimes, when you begin to stretch, your muscles scream 'no, no, no.' They don't think they can handle the tension because it's never been asked of them before. But as you gradually ease into the pose, they relax and discover an untapped capacity for elasticity."
MT: In lesson six you have students dialoguing with parts of themselves that get triggered. You provide a teaching and homework but also a nice example of what it may look like. Why is it important to dialogue with these parts of ourselves that get triggered?
KS: Sometimes people have a good intellectual understanding of why someone is irritating them. But they feel frustrated and possibly ashamed because this insight doesn't really prevent them from getting angry and agitated. They'll say things like, "I know she's insecure, but it still drives me crazy. I feel like I should just get over it, but I can't."
That's because the parts of us that are emotionally reactive are subconsciously making associations with, and try to protect us from feeling the pain of childhood wounds. These wounds are like little exiled children who live inside us holding all of our pain. When we were young, we developed protective parts that helped us survive, for example, by becoming good danger detectors for Dad's temper or even getting angry for us so that wouldn't feel annihilated by Mom's overbearing, domineering parenting style.
Every time the little exile gets triggered in our adult bodies, the protectors rally to manage it--for example, by trying to repress it. But trying to silence a protective or wounded part is like telling a distressed child to shut up or go away because they're bothering you, which will only make them louder and more annoying.
It's amazing, however, how a little attention and curiosity via writing can defuse some of the tension these parts hold. Dialoguing with guiding questions helps people access and express both the protective and vulnerable parts. As students dialogue with them through constructive, guided inquiry, they are often surprised to discover that these parts have good intentions and want the best for them even if the ways they go about protecting them are not helpful. Sometimes this opens up deeper healing dialogues with more vulnerable exiled parts that have been waiting for more attention. These dialogues not only mirror what's at the heart of distressing relationship dynamics, they also evoke the transcendent voices of resilience and encouragement.
MT: Tell me about some feedback you have received from students who have taken this course.
KS: Many students have shared that this course helped them finally break free of their self-defeating patterns in a challenging relationship, often after several other unsuccessful attempts. They're surprised at how simple yet powerful my exercises are and how the framework and literary devices help them access powerful voices inside of themselves that were buried under voices of anger, frustration, and helplessness.
Sometimes people tell me that this course became the catalyst for major breakthroughs in therapy after sharing and probing the writing exercises with their therapist. Naturally, this kind of feedback warms my heart as I am a psychotherapist. Occasionally, I'll hear that this course helped them more than therapy did, which I find both flattering and kind of sad.
MT: When a student has completed the course, what changes can they expect in their life?
KS: When students complete this course, they can expect to have a radically expansive view of their challenging relationship, one that leaves them clearer about how to navigate the relationship or whether to leave it entirely.
It's worth noting that sometimes students mistakenly believe that by my asking them to explore their role in the conflict with their adversary, it means I'm suggesting they are to blame. Alternately, they would rather present my writing exercises to their nemesis--after all, they are the ones who really need them! But pointing fingers can often perpetuate conflicts as it tends to make people feel righteous or defensive.
The hard reality is that you can't change your antagonist, you can only change your reaction to him or her. However, in changing how you react, you may change the adversarial dance you're doing, either by switching the steps or, if need be, finding the courage and clarity to make an exit. In this regard, students leave the course with greater clarity regarding how and why they're being triggered and where their power lies in making choices to live with or without this person.
Have you ever noticed that the same type of person keeps showing up in your life and pushing all of your buttons? Why do these individuals and situations keep appearing in the storyline of your life? Is it just to senselessly aggravate you? If you answered "yes," you may feel like a victim, and that probably doesn't feel very good. When we feel like a victim, we feel a heavy sense of powerless that, if gone unchecked, can lead to depression, health issues, and low self-esteem. But what if there was another way to look at challenging people and situations that left you feeling empowered, and perhaps even a little inspired? The good news is that you can reframe such tensions as opportunities to open your heart, expand your awareness, strengthen your emotional muscles, take constructive action, and deepen your appreciation for the mystery of life. In this 10-week course, Kim Schneiderman, LCSW, author of "Step Out of Your Story: Writing Exercises to Reframe and Transform Your Life," presents a series of research-based writing exercises that can help you reframe adversity as a "character development workout," a custom-made, emotional journey designed to help you build strengths while further honing areas within yourself that haven't been fully developed. Using perspective-bending writing exercises, you will tap into the voice of your omniscient narrator to find an elevated, compassionate perspective on your emotionally-charged storyline. This and other writing techniques, some cued with guided meditation, will help you transform self-defeating stories into soul narratives, leaving you feeling inspired and empowered regardless of circumstances.
Starting today, you will receive a new lesson every week for 10 weeks (total of 10 lessons). Each lesson is yours to keep and you'll be able to refer back to it whenever you want. And if you miss a lesson or are too busy to get to it that day, each lesson will conveniently remain in your account so you won't have to search for it when you're ready to get back to it.
We are offering this course with the option of selecting how much you want to pay. No matter how much you pay, you'll be getting the same course as everybody else. We simply trust that people are honest and will support the author of the course with whatever they can afford. And if you are not 100% satisfied, we will refund your money.
Thank you, Kim, this has been really informative and very interesting information. Personally I always enjoy a healing modality that involves some creativity and your course does just that. Until next time.
Be well,
Madisyn Taylor
Cofounder, Editor-in-Chief
DailyOM
