1.  Rep. Matt Gaetz Fundraises Off Teen Sex-Trafficking Probe

 STAY CLASSY 

Gaetz, who is under federal investigation, is borrowing a page from his icon Donald Trump’s playbook.

2.  Ex-Trump Aide Violated Hatch Act With Sneaky RNC Vids: OSC

  FINED & BARRED 

HUD appointee Lynne Patton filmed a video purportedly about housing conditions in New York but it ended up being used at the Republican National Convention.

3.  This Is the Only Umbrella to Replace My Lost Favorite

 SUDDEN DOWNPOUR 

The Davek Umbrella has a solid steel shaft and a patented frame system designed to never buckle.

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4.  Idiot Vandals Destroy Ancient Native American Carving Site

 ‘SPECIAL AND RARE’ 

They scratched and drew over “irreplaceable” petroglyphs on rocks in Georgia.

5.  Factory That Ruined J&J Vax Doses Tossed Millions More: NYT

 IT GETS WORSE 

Emergent BioSolutions had a disastrous record for years but it kept getting multi-million dollar government contracts, according to a new report.

6.  My Neck, My Back... and My Face Were Saved by This Pillow

 SAVING FACE 

This pillow can help make sure you’re getting your beauty sleep, and your inner beauty sleep.

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7.  McConnell to Big Biz: Stay Out of Politics—Unless You’re Donating, Of Course

 SHOW ME THE MONEY 

Sen. Mitch McConnell, who has taken millions in corporate donations, suddenly doesn’t like big businesses wading into politics.

8.  Georgia Deputy Stabbed to Death With His Own Knife by Inmate

 LINE OF DUTY 

The handcuffed suspect was being moved to “suicide watch” when it happened, authorities said.

9.  Missing Pregnant Mom Found Dead in Philly Wooded Lot

 ‘IT’S TERRIBLE’ 

Now cops are searching for the last person seen with her: the boyfriend.

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10.  Colleague: Gaetz Fought to Keep Sharing ‘Revenge Porn’ Legal

 ‘ABSOLUTELY AGAINST IT’ 

The claim comes from former Florida state Rep. Tom Goodson, a Republican who sponsored legislation designed to outlaw circulating nonconsensual nudes.

11.  Biden Speeds It Up: All Adults Eligible for Vax by April 19

  SHOTS ALL ROUND 

The president is reportedly set to confirm from the White House on Tuesday that every adult will be eligible to be get their first dose in less than two weeks.

12.  Montana Governor Who Rescinded Mask Mandate Now Has COVID

 QUARANTINED 

The 59-year-old Republican got the first dose of the vaccine but fell ill before he was fully protected.

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13.  Extraordinary Transplant Surgery Gives Woman a New Windpipe

 BREATHING BETTER 

The surgery may offer hope for people with damaged tracheas who do not want to use a breathing tube.

14.  Stalwart Florida Congressman Alcee Hastings Dies at 84

 ‘CAN STAND UP TO A BULLY’ 

The former lawyer, judge, and congressman was most known for his work in championing for civil rights and racial injustice.

15.  California Man Allegedly Hurled Rocks at Asian Woman and Son

 ‘NO ROOM FOR HATE’ 

Roger Janke, 28, was charged with a hate crime after he allegedly threw two rocks at the unnamed woman’s Tesla as she drove by him in Fullerton.

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