Dear John,
Have you ever been “attacked” by someone for no apparent reason? Have you ever had a situation escalate into something so quickly you felt blind sided?
I think we have all been there. For most of us when we get “hit” we want to “fight” back. This often results in a loss of Self-Control which is one of the most devastating things that can happen to you as a leader.
Here are three keys to mastering Self-Control when you are under “attack.”
- Know what you believe and your purpose for being in the situation. When you know your Why and your bigger purpose, this minimizes the threat of the attack and allows you to better communicate under pressure. For me it is not about being right or winning an argument, it is about having the best influence possible and discovering the truth.
- When attacked out of proportion to the situation ask yourself this question: Would a secure person do that? Answer: Of course not! This means the attack is not about you and has everything to do with what is going on with that person. This allows your response to go from defend or hit back to compassion and concern for the other person. They have something in their life that is causing this situation. Bottom line is the problem is them, not you, and recognizing this right away takes the pressure off of you and allows you to think clearly and respond with calm and compassion.
- Practice the Self-Control mental model for communicating in advance. All of us have difficult conversations from time to time and if we know we are going to have one, it is good to go through the mental model before you have the conversation. Take a minute or two before the conversation or situation to remind yourself of your Why and higher purpose. Ask yourself how a secure person would respond so that you can recognize quickly if the other person is insecure. Have a framework of your response already in place. For example, imagining saying in a calm and compassionate voice “I can see this really concerns you. Is it ok if I ask you a few questions to better understand what is going on so that we can figure out the next steps?”
Coach Leaders have Self-Control.
You are a Coach Leader!
Tom
P.s. You can find more insights in my book 10 Leadership Virtues For Disruptive Times. Get the book right here.
