Good Morning, Do, Today is Wednesday, May 9 Thanks for all the well wishes about my facial landing. Yes, I know I should have leaned back, but I was leaning forward and reaching for his collar when he took off likle a shotgun slug. I was lucky tjere was a beautiful lady yjere, who was able to provide First Aid. I brought her nice first aid kit today and a little bottle of Liquid Skin. I don't plan to make another favial landing but I thought it was only proper to replace the band aids that she used up on me. Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Illegal alien sold heroin to undercover cop and had cocaine in his hair Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, May 9 in 1429 Joan of Arc defeated the besieging English at Orleans. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. --- Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890 - 1969) Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. --- Mark Twain The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --- Herbert Spencer ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'" A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that." The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?" The member of the flock said, "I sure could." "How would you do it?" "With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven." With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here twenty years ago!" _______________________________________________ Reported by the Helen An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Chrismanuel Theophile, 25, Stuart, Florida Illegal alien sold heroin to undercover cop and had cocaine in his hair A man from Broward County is facing drug charges and the possibility of deportation after deputies found cocaine hidden in his hair. The Martin County Sheriff's Office arrested 25-year-old Chrismanuel Theophile during a controlled narcotics operation Wednesday night. Deputies say he sold heroin to undercover detectives who also found cocaine embedded in his hair. Theophile is facing charges of selling and distributing heroin and unlawful use of a two-way communication device. The sheriff's office said Theophile often traveled between Broward County and Port St. Lucie. He's on an immigration hold for deportation back to Haiti as the sheriff's office says he's in the United States illegally. Tech Support Pits From: Liane Re: Not getting my mail out Dear Webby, I am writing this with gmail, because you and most people don't seem to get mail from my regular business address. What am I doing wrong? Liane Dear Liane Very few ISPs censor outgoing mail. Most likely you are using a childish autoresponder and got blocked and blacklisted by the people who had written to you before. Nowadays autoresponders are only appropriate when they provide real information. A good example is: "Write to ... to get an up to the minute road report from a guaranteed unmonitored and safe autoresponder." Telling somebody that mail arrived and that you may or may not get around to answer it some day, is NOT considered real information. That is considered as dumb a nuisance as any other unsolicited mail. Like me, a lot of people trash mail from autoresponders right on the server, unseen by anybody, and at the same time automatically blacklist the sender. Just dump that blocked and blacklisted address, get a new address and don't use a silly autoresponder on the new one. Have FUN DearWebby A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was, Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now; Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as, Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears he was laughing so hard, and tore up the ticket Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything. An elderly station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "very much". What'd he say?, asked the woman. "He asked if I like the weather, and I told him yes", replied her husband. "Where are you-all headed", asked the attendant. "Oh, we're going to Jacksonville", he repied. "What'd he say?", asked the woman. "He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville", the husband replied. "Where are you-all from", inquired the attendant a few moments later. "Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied. "Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in bed of any girl I ever knew." "What'd he say?" inquired the woman. "He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
"Please" the man would beg of anyone who would listen, "just loan me a hundred dollars. I'll double it in no time and pay you right back." People would shake their heads and walk away. However, one night he ran into a generous oil man from Texas who handed him a crisp C-note and said, "Here, boy, enjoy yourself!" After thanking his generous benefactor he walked over to the Black Jack table and blew the money in five minutes. The next night when he saw the Texan, he again asked him for some money, and again the Texan gave him a hundred-dollar bill. But that too was gone within a matter of minutes. This continued for more than three weeks. Every night the Texan would give him money, and every night it would be gone almost before he had it. Finally, in desperation, the unhappy fellow told one of his friends about his experience with the generous Texan. "There's only onr thing to do," his friend told him "Lose the bum. he's bad luck for you!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get a Smart Thermostat Install a programmable thermostat to adjust your furnace when you need less heat. Program your thermostat to heat your home less when you are asleep or at work. Programmable thermostats can be purchased at your local hardware store and are easy to install. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Rosie for this story: Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked. "More than that," I laughed, "My instructor reeks of BO and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again!" "I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years. | Early Highlights from the 2018 Nat Geo Travel Photographer of the Year Contest. |
___________________________________________________ There was football game between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did" said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach. "Well" said the centipede, "I was putting all my boots on. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, May 9 in 1785 Joseph Bramah patented the beer-pump handle. 1825 The Chatham Theatre opened in New York City. It was the first gas-lit theater in America. 1904 The Great Western Railway Number 3440 City of Truro became the first railway locomotive to exceed 100 miles per hour. 1915 German and French forces fought the Battle of Artois. 1926 Americans Richard Byrd and Floyd Bennett became the first men to fly an airplane over the North Pole. 1936 Fascist Italy took Addis Abba and annexed Ethiopia. 1941 The German submarine U-110 was captured at sea by Britain's Royal navy. 1945 U.S. officials announced that the midnight entertainment curfew was being lifted immediately. 1946 King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy abdicated and was replaced by Umberto. 1955 West Germany joined NATO. 1960 The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved for sale an oral birth-control pill for the first time. 1962 A laser beam was successfully bounced off Moon for the first time. 1978 The bullet-riddled body of former Italian Prime Minister Aldo Moro was found in an automobile in the center of Rome. The Red Brigades had abducted him. 1980 A Liberian freighter hit the Sunshine Skyway Bridge over Tampa Bay in Florida. 35 motorists were killed and a 1,400-foot section of the bridge collapsed. 1994 Nelson Mandela was chosen to be South Africa's first black president. 1996 In video testimony to a courtroom in Little Rock, AR, U.S. President Clinton insisted that he had nothing to do with a $300,000 loan in the criminal case against his former Whitewater partners. 2002 In Bethlehem, West Bank, a deal was reached that would end the 38-day standoff at the Church of the Nativity. Thirteen suspected militants were to be deported to several different countries. The standoff had begun on April 2, 2002. 2002 In Kaspiisk, Russia, 39 people were killed and at least 130 were injurde when a remote-controlled bomb exploded during a holiday parade. 2002 In Bahrain, people were allowed to vote for representatives for the first time in nearly 30 years. Women were allowed to vote for the first time in the country's history. 2018 Do smiled. |
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