The Best Movie of the Spring Flopped and It’s Your Fault

This Week

You should have all seen The Fall Guy.

A beautiful game show fail.

Carrie Bradshaw is back.

Broadway’s big secret.

J. Lo…

Go Watch The Fall Guy!

Considering that one of my greatest joys in life is to smugly shame people, this should be a joyous moment. And yet…I feel so sad. Exasperated. You know that phrase, “I’m not mad, just disappointed?” The bozo who came up with that clearly had made lots of people angry and was trying to make himself feel better about it. No, I want all of you to feel bad because, frankly, you deserve it.

Earlier this week, the spectacular Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt action rom-com The Fall Guy was made available for rent and purchase on digital platforms. On the one hand, yay: People will have easier access to what, in my mind, is the best movie of the spring. (Sorry to Challengers! No offense, I Saw the TV Glow!) On the other hand: The should-be blockbuster is available to rent so wildly soon after its release date because not enough people saw it in theaters—and that will have ramifications that reverberate throughout the industry and, more importantly, my life and its happiness.

Now that I’ve evolved into my final form as a finger-wagging dad-type, I might as well keep going with the tired phrases: Actions have consequences, people. This is why we can’t have nice things.

The Fall Guy hit theaters on May 3, less than three weeks ago, armed with reviews that movie studio execs would offer their first born for and following a buzz-making premiere at the SXSW festival in March. It boasted Gosling as the leading man, after a year in which he was arguably the biggest and most popular movie star in the world, thanks to his work as Ken in Barbie and epic Oscars musical performance. Blunt was the leading lady, herself a pivotal part of the other half of the Barbenheimer phenomenon and also an Oscar nominee.

Theoretically, you pack all of those elements into a cash cannon and watch the dollar bills fly. Did the money dispenser get jammed or something?

The box office was abysmal, especially for a film that cost $140 million. Hopes that ecstatic word of mouth would lead to, at least, a robust longer run in theaters clearly were just that: hopes. A shocking 17 days after its release, it’s now available on digital. This was supposed to be the film that heralded the start of a huge summer movie season. Instead, at least commercially, it’s a whimpered warning of disaster ahead.

I have to admit that I don’t often understand why people do or don’t watch certain things. Some gems are ignored. Some turds are confusingly embraced. But everything about this film seemed as much of a sure-thing as there could be these days.

Gosling plays a stuntman named Colt whose career—and romantic fling with a camera operator named Jodie (Blunt)—ends abruptly when he breaks his back in a stunt gone wrong. Eighteen months later, the former lovers reunite on a film set where Jodie is getting her big break as a director. They work through their acrimonious baggage while also weathering a murder cover-up subplot that ensnares Colt and Jodie’s movie production, a meta plot twist that’s a riot to ride with.

The film is the answer to so many complaints.

“Every movie these days is based on a superhero or existing IP. I’m tired of it.” This one is not.

“They don’t make movies that are fun for everyone anymore.” This one is the epitome of a four-quadrant movie.

“I miss when movies had actual movie stars.” Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt would like to say hi.

“They don’t make great romantic comedies like they used to.” Well, they do. It was this. And you didn’t go see it.

The chemistry between Gosling and Blunt is an It Factor that rarely happens in a film of this scale. Speaking of scale, the onslaught of stunts—most of which were practical—are more impressive than what’s in most Marvel movies. In fact, The Fall Guy set a world record with one of its set pieces, for most times a car rolls over in a film.

There is also: a needle drop where Ryan Gosling listens to Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well” while crying; a parakeet that dances along to DJ Khaled’s “All I Do Is Win;” references to Notting Hill and Love, Actually; a dog doing stunts; a split-screen sequence that’s as impressive as the stunts; a karaoke/car chase hybrid scene; and a shot of Ryan Gosling emerging from water in slow motion while wearing a white tank top and jeans with the Sydney Opera House behind him. (I gasped, “My god,” when I first saw it.)

There are myriad barriers that contribute to people not going to cinemas to see a film. Yet…sometimes they do. They did last year, in droves, for Barbie and Oppenheimer. They do it for superhero movies all the time. The Fall Guy was exciting because it was an original premise and it was good. It was supposed to be a hit. Then, more original, great movies would be put in development for us to eventually see, curing our comic-book franchise fatigue.

The quick move to digital is a sign of a lack of faith that The Fall Guy would be able to, even with great buzz, get butts in seats. It’s also a sign of how the industry will view the film—as a failure—and retreat from investing in more like it. That’s a shame!

I have no doubt that once people see the film, they’ll love it. Do I think they’ll shell out $19.99 to rent it, more than movie tickets cost in most markets? Not necessarily. But I will feel vindicated when I’m flying Delta cross-country and The Fall Guy is playing on every in-flight movie screen. Where were all of you when it mattered?

No one really knows what to make of the business anymore. The theatrical market is erratic. Studios’ whims are indiscernible. And, clearly, what excites potential moviegoers remains a great mystery.

So I try to stay rooted in what I do know, and keep delusional hope that it matters. The Fall Guy is a great movie, and the future I want is one where more movies are great again.

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Game Show Fails Are the Best Fails

Apologies if, at around 7:45 p.m. Thursday night, you heard a faint high pitch noise that lasted for a full minute. That was me shrieking while watching Wheel of Fortune and witnessing a Greatest of All Time inappropriate answer to a clue.

The clue was “Phrase,” and it was one of those rounds where the letters are filled in one by one. If a contestant knows the answer, they can ring in. Please, for context, see the image below, to fully understand the hilarity of what a contestant named Tavaris answered.

“Right in the butt.”

That’s what Tavaris said. “Right in the butt.”

Nevermind that “right” has five letters. Nevermind that this is Wheel of Fortune, a family game show. I can’t get over what his friends and family are going to do to poor Tavaris. They will mock him from now until eternity. On his gravestone, it will say, “Here lies Tavaris. Right in the butt.”

Outrageous game show answers are a passion of mine. It’s an entire genre of entertainment that is, honestly, better than most entertainment.

In the “butt” genre of wild answers, the classic is, of course, the Newlywed Game contestant who answered the prompt, “Where is the weirdest place you’ve made whoopee?” with—you guessed it—“in the ass.”

Oh, game show fails are a magical rabbit hole to lose yourself down.

There’s the Family Feud contestant who was asked to name a yellow fruit and answered, “Orange.” A personal favorite Family Feud goof is when a woman was asked what month of pregnancy does a woman begin to look pregnant and she answered, “September.” Classic Family Feud fails are the best, but I’ve also had moments of “Wait, it’s 2 a.m.?!” after watching TikTok after TikTok of ridiculous answers during the Steve Harvey era.

A Ken Jennings classic is when the Jeopardy! clue was, “The term for a long-handled gardening tool can also mean an immoral pleasure seeker,” and Jennings answered, “What is a hoe?” (Not wrong!) Speaking of Jeopardy!, I’ll never forget where I was when a contestant confused Chaka Khan for Shaka Zulu, or when Janet Jackson was confused for Ariana Grande, because both instances took years off my life.

This is all to say that, Tavaris, you’re in good company, and I look forward to seeing you soon in one of the “game show fail” compilation videos I watch on a weekly basis.

It’s Hip to Be a Square

Because it’s Tony Awards season, and I’m a culturally minded gay, I’ve been flitting about the Great White Way the last few weeks to sample some of the finest theater. I’ve seen some of the most raved about productions. Merrily We Roll Along, Appropriate, Mary Jane, and Stereophonictruly live up to the hype. I’ve found myself weeping while stars belt out Alicia Keys songs during Hell’s Kitchen and when twinks in tank tops fight in the mud during The Outsiders and thought, “What is wrong with me?”

But the most fun I’ve had? That was at The Heart of Rock and Roll, a jukebox musical featuring songs by Huey Lewis and the News that was (egregiously!!!) not nominated for a single Tony.

As a person who finds Mamma Mia! to be the greatest work of art of our lifetime, it shouldn’t be surprising that I love jukebox musicals. But I’ve also become somewhat of a connoisseur of them. I’m aware that they can be so patronizingly, cynically, unforgivably bad. But when the show is in on the joke, has a tight script, and has figured out a way to match a story to the vibe of the music, it’s heaven: the ideal version of a very expensive dance party.

I laughed more during Heart of Rock and Roll than I did during any other Best Musical nominee. I cried when I was supposed to cry. I danced in my seat when I was supposed to dance in my seat. Sometimes you just want a show that does it all for you, that’s polished and fun and escorts you on the journey without you having to do the work.

Anyway, if you’re wondering why Huey Lewis is spiking on Spotify, it’s me.

I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…

It’s the greatest time of the year: Sarah Jessica Parker being photographed on the streets of New York wearing batshit Carrie Bradshaw outfits while filming And Just Like That.

New York only feels like New York when this is happening. There’s an indescribable energy in the city right now. I can only attempt to explain it as, “SJP is wearing a big hat again, so we feel safe to be feral, selfish, and unhinged.”

Speaking of big hats, take a look at this beaut:

It’s shading her from the sun, and also from the evil of the world. And what about these sheer sleeves? It’s sending a message to all of us New Yorkers: Let’s be hideously oversized, but also transparent about it:

And the biggest sign that we’re so back: Aidan is outside an apartment stoop screaming at Carrie’s window. We are at our best when that mania is feeding our energy. It’s gonna be a good summer.

Important Information

Every Jennifer Lopez superfan has his limits, and mine may just be this new Netflix movie Atlas. However, I must share with everyone information that blew my brain, made me cringe harder than I have in my entire life, and now I’m talking through with my therapist about.

Get ready: The film is called Atlas because her character’s name is “Atlas.” What in the name of Selena?!?!

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Furiosa: We love a movie that allows us to use the word “badass.” (Now in theaters)

Queen of the Deuce: We love a chain-smoking, Jewish grandma who lorded over a porn empire. (Now in theaters)

The Beach Boys: Wouldn’t it be nice (get it?!) if we all properly appreciated this all-time great band. (Now on Disney+)

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