CHATTER IN BRUSSELS T-day. When Donald Trump’s tariffs hit this week, threatening to transform Europe’s economic decline from bad to CATASTROPHIC, the first thing we asked ourselves here at The Chattering Classes was: Where’s Ursula? Aber natürlich. The answer, of course, was Samarkand. Where else would the leader of the world’s largest single market be when its main trading partner announced devastating tariffs that threaten to upend the global economic order and European prosperity? Deer, meet headlights. Von der Leyen, who has put more effort into exacting revenge on German wolves for killing her favourite pony than negotiating with Trump, had almost nothing to say. Speaking from what looked like an Uzbek bunker, the Commission president offered a familiar recitation of platitudes. Her remarks lasted only about 20 minutes, but only because she delivered them in three languages. As Trump would say: Sad! DON'T LOOK UP In Don’t Look Up, a dark American comedy starring Leonardo DiCaprio about a comet that threatens to destroy humanity, the doubters simply ignore the impending Armageddon by pretending it doesn’t exist. By the looks of it, the European People’s Party is planning a remake during its upcoming congress in Valencia on 29-30 April, starring none other than Manfred Weber. El Presidente. Despite the best efforts by the EPP’s old guard to find someone of substance to run against Weber, who holds the dual hats of party leader and parliamentary group chief – a combination that some in the EPP find problematic on governance grounds – they came up short. Neither Croatia's Andrej Plenković, nor ex-Austrian Commissioner Johannes Hahn, nor another prominent figure we’ve sworn not to mention could be coaxed into giving it a go. The main reason? Lifestyle. We get it. Once you’ve cashed in on a career in ‘public service’, it’s hard going back to dinners of rubber chicken. Nolo contendere. So, instead of a showdown, the EPP congress promises to be something of a letdown. In fact, not even the Spanish hosts seem very keen to visit Valencia for Weber's election. Mudslinging. Spain’s centre-right Partido Popular party initially wanted to relocate the congress to Madrid to avoid public anger over the deadly floods that hit Valencia in October, killing more than 200 people. Not even the king was spared the public’s ire. On second thought. Once PP’s beancounters realised they would have to hold a new tender and shoulder any additional costs, they decided to stick with Plan A. People against the People’s Party. For a variety of reasons, the public’s passions in Valencia have not calmed and the EPP is bracing for massive protests. The local population is calling for the resignation of the region’s president, Carlos Mazón – a protégé of PP leader, Alberto Núñez Feijóo. Nothing to see here. To avoid displays of public anger, the EPP is planning to cover the fence surrounding the venue place (Feria Valencia) with enormous EPP banners that will block the view of the protestors, sources tell The Chattering Classes. Feijóo’s ‘Irish exit’. Feijóo, who is supposed to host the event, will only join a couple of hours before the end of the congress, people familiar with the matter told us. ¿Por qué? Feijóo cited votes in the Spanish parliament put forward by socialist Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez, insisting that he needs to be there. More important things to do. The votes relate to a bill on debt relief for Spanish regions and a joint proposal by the PSOE (the Spanish socialists) and Puigdemont's JxCat separatist party on the delegation of central government's powers to the Catalan government (Generalitat) on migration policy. Bien jugado! Feijóo said he will need to “fulfill his duty” as a lawmaker. We understand that he will only join the EPP congress on the final day (30 April) at around 11:00 a.m., just in time to usher in the close. | 