The Euro 2020 Fiver: the Matterface-induced Purge is under way

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NOT FOR US, CLIVE

The Fiver may not be an emotional being, but like a shameless politician we know when to jump on a bandwagon and inevitable Euro Not 2020 glory is right up our street. We shouted for Jack Grealish to be brought on from the first minute in every game, learned the words to a Neil Diamond song and even wanted Harry Kane subbed off the moment his extra-time penalty was saved against Denmark, before turning away in disgust. After coming back round, it turns out Kane had scored the rebound, but that’s not the point.

It was only when alerted by ITV mouth man Sam Matterface that England were about to win did the 15th tinny get opened. Alongside him, Lee Dixon did not care that the penalty was questionable – “there is very little contact, but I don’t care” – with the commentary box alive with the sound of patriotism, bringing a tear to the eye at Fiver HQ. Chests were pushed out and a bulldog was snatched off a late-night dog-walker for us to truly show what it meant. Matterface then explained we did not need to come to work on Thursday, although being the professional The Fiver is, we were here bright and early at 12.18pm to write this and did not leave until gone 12.24pm to start on the lash bus for Sunday night. Tears will be running down our face with each can we drain in the full knowledge soccer is coming back to our abode on Sunday.

So with the Matterface-induced Purge already under way, planning for Monday’s anarchy must start now. When Jordan Pickford scores the winning penalty against Italy at Wembley, retro tops will be off and the tattooing of Gareth Southgate’s face will be booked for the earliest opportunity. Most importantly of all, the country will finally find out what football coming home actually means. Or, obviously, England could lose.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

The EN 2020 rolling blog is here.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“They always say how bad it is when a foreign player tries to deceive the referee with a dive. In pure English football, this does not happen. Apart from, of course, in a European Championship semi-final. It would be nice for English football to stop giving lectures to the rest of the continent about diving” – Marca gets it all of its chest in the wake of the decisive penalty won by Raheem Sterling. Gazzetta dello Sport was little more circumspect, tooting: “It’s a shame they get these little bits of help, because they don’t need it.”

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

The latest edition of EN 2020 Football Daily is here for your ears.

FIVER LETTERS

“A big day for many people, the biggest day ever for some. Success or failure will, most likely, be celebrated in equal measure up and down the country. Probably with this” – Simon Mazier.

“Re: having to support India (yesterday’s Fiver letters). I just wanted to reassure Avinash Subramaniam: try having to root for bloody Canada. We lose to Surinam” – Max Bilson.

“Given that the percentage chance of The Fiver actually getting another scoreline correct is infinitesimal, could I (and 1,056 others) ask you to predict a 1-0 victory for Italy please?” – Nick Redfern (and no others).

“Did ITV’s ‘top commentator’ really just fail to tell us that the Danes were down to 10 men (or nine) for the second half of extra-time? Or fail to notice that Raheem Sterling ran past a second ball on the pitch prior to the penalty award?” – Ken McCarron.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Simon Mazier.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Uefa has charged England after a laser pointer was shone in Kasper Schmeichel’s face before his fruitless penalty save, fans booed the Danish anthem and fireworks were lit inside Wembley.

Denmark coach Kasper Hjulmand is feeling pretty funky at the way his side were knocked out. “It was a penalty which should not have been a penalty,” he sniffed. “It is something which annoys me right now. We are very disappointed. I know it sounds weird right now but I cannot help having these feelings. One thing is to lose a game, it happens, but losing this way is disappointing because these guys have fought a lot.”

It’s topicality time in the House of Commons, where Labour’s Thangam Debbonaire has been using England’s success as a stick with which to beat Boris Johnson. “In contrast to the prime minister, Gareth Southgate and the England team value hard work, discipline, and preparation,” she sighed. “The British people seem to appreciate those qualities, so for the sake of our country and the wonderful people who live and work here, I hope the prime minister can spend some time over the next few days studying at the Gareth Southgate school of leadership.” Alas, all it prompted was a retort from Commons leader Jacob Rees-Mogg, whereby he recited the John Barnes rap from World In Motion. Good old politics.

A whopping 27.6 million viewers have now presumably embarked on the Purge, according to ITV’s figures.

And the current UK iTunes song chart, on 8 July 2021, counts down thus: No 7 … New Order: World in Motion; No 6 … Galantis, David Guetta and Little Mix: Heartbreak Anthem'; No 5 … Fat Les: Vindaloo; No 4 … Atomic Kitten: Southgate, You’re the One (Football’s Coming Home Again); No 3 … Neil Diamond: Sweet Caroline; No 2 … David Baddiel, Frank Skinner and the Lightning Seeds: Three Lions; No 1 … Ed Sheeran: Bad Habits. 2021!

NON EUROS BUSINESS

Leigh Griffiths has been sent home from Celtic’s pre-season training camp after police began an investigation into online activity.

And Sergio Ramos has rocked up at PSG. “I want to continue to grow and improve at Paris and help the team to win as many trophies as possible,” he trousered.

STILL WANT MORE?

Barney Ronay enjoyed the latest Nordic drama to hit UK screens.

Jonathan Liew on the 55-year itch England have almost scratched.

Give your optics a treat with photos of fans having a good time and what happened at Wembley.

Floating brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson looks at the impact of Raheem Sterling and Bukayo Saka.

A look at the reaction on Social Media Disgrace Twitter.

Andy Hunter watched the game on the telly to check out ITV’s chest-thumping coverage.

It might be useful for England to know how to beat Italy. Luckily for Gareth and the lads, Marcus Christenson has done some scouting.

Would seeing Gianluca Vialli and Roberto Mancini celebrate again on Sunday be all that bad? Andy Gallagher discusses their friendship.

There are some cracking Euros finals in this week’s Classic YouTube.

And Pedri’s beauty on the pitch has softened the blow of Spain’s failure, according to Sid Lowe.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

NOT NOW, RUGBY LEAGUE