Who is this weeping man?

During my first visit to New Camaldoli Hermitage in Big Sur, Calif., I pondered this question as I wept freely amid the rugged hills overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

What was going on with me? I remembered Bill Coffin, then chaplain at Yale, saying he went on a sabbatical "to pay a visit on myself, to see who's at home."

So I wondered: Who is this weeping man?

Was I weeping from stored-up grief? Was I weeping at the raw beauty of the breathtaking coastline? The tears dripped as if they had been stored up, waiting for this time of release. I learned to call it the gift of tears.

The doing of ministry can be harmful to your health. I learned the hard way. After two hospitalizations -- bleeding ulcer and, a few years later, heart arrhythmia -- I knew I had to get serious about moderating my hurry-up-and-rush method of ministry. I had to learn to take care of my health, or I'd soon be no good to the 500 members of my congregation. Physical health and spiritual health are connected, and I needed to attend to both.

I was in midcareer, then in my seventh year as pastor of my third church. I decided to take advantage of our sabbatical leave policy. I wanted three months to think, write, meditate and reorient my life and ministry. Since I'd spent snippets of time at monasteries, I decided that my first step was to spend a longer time in a monastic setting.