"Notes to John":
shorturl.at/PJFLg 1
This is an utterly astounding book that should be read by everybody.
I must admit, I am not a huge Joan Didion fan. I loved "Slouching Towards Bethlehem," but found "Play It As It Lays" flat. As for the vaunted books thereafter, I found them dense and mannered and thought I was the only one until I found out my college buddy John agreed, he couldn't read them either.
Then I got hooked on the books about Eve Babitz, wherein Didion was excoriated. Seen as someone at remove, who was so quiet she made you talk and then used your words against you. Furthermore, it was stated that Joan used her short stature to portray innocence when this was far from accurate.
I was surprised that "Notes to John" doubles down on this. Didion reveals all these character flaws. She's SO F*CKED UP!
Then again, maybe you are too.
In truth, we're all screwed up. The only question is whether we try to untie the knot and advance ourselves. Most people do not. And neither did Joan Didion until her daughter Quintana got caught up in the throes of alcoholism and was seen as suicidal. Quintana saw a psychiatrist who suggested that Joan see a psychiatrist too, to help her deal with what was going on with Quintana. But ultimately this Dr. MacKinnon focuses on Joan herself, and what a tale it is to tell.
Joan never would have allowed these diaries to be published if she were still alive. They're from the turn of the century and she didn't die until 2021 so she seemed to want to keep them private. But the estate assembled these notes and...
These are diary entries that she gives to her husband John Gregory Dunne so he will be informed as to what is going on. I don't know how long it took her to write them, but I do admire the skill with which Didion puts words together. Having said that, the diaries can at times be confusing. You're not exactly sure who she's talking about. I advise you to just go with the flow. Once again, these were not written for public consumption, never mind edited by Joan.
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So Joan is clueless as to her behavior. Why she acts the way she does and how it impacts those around her.
On some level she's living the life of a literary star. There are enough names dropped here to make you feel inadequate. And, once again, since these missives were not written for public consumption, you know they are real. Also, Joan is always bitching about money, but they spend Thanksgiving in St. Bart's and go to Paris for Christmas and...this is a jet set lifestyle only a tiny elite partake in. Not that Joan came from money, but maybe hanging with the rich and famous and trying to keep up with the Joneses she lost all perspective. A little budgeting would have gone a long way. Ironically, this is a complaint she has about her daughter, not being able to see the same quality in herself.
Another theme is Joan and John's wish to give up writing movies because it's so unfulfilling. Dealing with young know-it-alls. Totally frustrating. But can they pay the bills doing what they want to? Ultimately they take this path, the shrink helps her do this. This is a quandary for so many. You end up making a living doing something you fell into, can you put it aside?
So Quintana was adopted and Joan is always anxious that she's working too much and therefore is not paying enough attention to her daughter. The shrink says just the opposite is true, that Joan thinks about Quintana all the time and won't let go.
The relationship between mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, is analyzed deeply and everyone will gain insight from reading this book.
These words from Dr. MacKinnon struck me:
"'People learn to negotiate as infants. Tiny children. Or they don't. They learn to negotiate by negotiating with their parents. Or, they accept their parents as unnegotiable, all-powerful. They acquiesce. They may resent it, but they do what their parents want them to do without questioning it. They even anticipate what their parents want.'"
This is something that comes up in couples therapy all the time. When I hear no, why do I not ask again? And I tell the doctor in my family if you asked again YOU GOT HIT!
Furthermore, I had to do so much I didn't want to as a child that I don't want to make ANYBODY do ANYTHING they don't want to. I don't want to push them. But the end result is I hear no and accept it and become resentful.
Continuing with MacKinnon's words:
"'Children get angry with their parents. If they don't grow up, they stay angry."
I hear it in my family... What my mother would think. But she's been DEAD for nearly five years!
But I get the point. This was a huge breakthrough for me. I went to the psychiatrist who got me to stand up to my mother and she went INSANE! Asked me when I was going to stop seeing that doctor. We argued for months. But it was very freeing. I was willing to sacrifice everything to become an adult.
This is a huge issue delineated in the book. People trying to please their parents. Having guilt about it. God, to break through from my parents' wishes... Even though obeying them would be crippling to the point of being paralyzed.
While I'm quoting the book...
"You have trouble engaging."
Funny, because Joan was always present, she was anything but a hermit. But she kept herself apart, aloof. She knew she never felt a member of the group. Whether it be her family or the college sorority she painfully extricated herself from. But she had no idea that people PERCEIVED HER THIS WAY!
This is what blows my mind constantly. People who have no idea how others see them. They're blind and it costs them. This is something we focused on in therapy. I get to manage interactions. First I must assess my personality and then decide upon my goal. If I want to be a member of the group, to get along, I let inaccuracies slide, I watch my tone. Then again, sometimes you're confronted with bullies and you should bring out the hammer. I've historically been afraid to do this. That's another thing I've addressed with the shrink. Famous names piling upon me...me trying to negotiate peace, which involves enduring the abuse until they hopefully flame out. Better to walk away or stand up to them.
Back to negotiation...
I HATE IT!
That's the essence of being a successful business person. You have to negotiate. It's a game. I'd rather get right to the nitty-gritty. This is the deal, are we doing it or not? But really, you have to be nice, establish a relationship, do some back and forth... Joan says she's bad at it, so she has lawyers and agents do this work. In most cases I do this now too. But some deals in everyday life you just have to do on your own. Maybe as simple as buying a car.
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The insights in this book are so brilliant that you're constantly employing them to analyze your own life. Sure, you wince at famous Joan's lack of insight into herself, but that just proves the point. We're putting up a front, faking it until we make it, and we don't even recognize this is a burden, never mind the fallout. And then there are those who decline help, they say they can figure things out themselves, or their friends can help them. Not only is this wrong, usually they're afraid of going to therapy, for fear they'll appear inadequate. And then there are those who balk at the cost. Believe me, to afford someone as good as Dr. MacKinnon you either have to be rich or sacrifice.
When many people would rather buy a car, or go on vacation. Not realizing that therapy will probably allow them to earn even more money.
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Now I'm pretty f*cked up too. But unlike Joan Didion and most of the population I've benefited from years of psychotherapy.
However, I still have my issues, believe me I have my issues.
This truly resonated with me:
"Working was how I filled the hole. I reminded her that you and I always worked on weekends. I said we hadn't always done so. But at some point we had discovered that working through the weekend could allay what we had always called the Sunday jits."
BINGO!
There comes a point on Sunday where I'm losing it and the only way to get back on track is to work.
I marvel at the Jerry Maguire types who can be with people 24/7. I need my alone time, to think. People are great, then again...
The book addresses aging. How you don't want to hang with marginal friends anymore. Instinctively you feel you only have a certain amount of time left, and you don't want to waste it. When you're younger you're hanging on to these friendships for what they might lead to. When you're old, you are where you are.
Ditto, you see less of a need to throw and go to parties. You want to expend your energy on that which will fulfill you.
Now I know most people will never read this book.
And I know many will dismiss it as psychobabble.
And although not difficult to read, "Notes to John" does not cut like butter. But you get addicted and you're in this private space contemplating your own issues and...
I've never read a book that made me think about myself this much. NEVER!
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