The only column you need to read about COVID-19 The beauty of COVID-19 is how shiny clean everybody looks since the panic set in. I’m in New York City this week and the stores are completely sold out of hand sanitizer, Hi-Lex, alcohol, antibacterial wipes, every kind of cleaner, and when you get on the subway at rush hour and stand within six inches of four different people, they smell nice, like a doctor’s office. They try not to talk or even exhale. They avoid eye contact lest the virus be spread visually. Some people wear face masks, which are useful for preventing them from picking their noses, which, once you’ve touched a deadly railing, could implant the virus in your body and in a week or two you’d be in a TB sanitarium on a desert island, tended by nurses in hazmat suits. If someone on the train coughs, everyone disembarks at the next stop and wipes their face and, as an extra precaution, swigs a little mouthwash or maybe vodka. Eighty-proof vodka is a proven sanitizer. The incidence of COVID-19 among bums at the Union Gospel Mission is extremely low. Gin does not work as well, so ad agency execs are surely at risk. As for Corona beer, sales are way down because, as your mother probably said, You Never Know. I am old enough to remember the polio scares of the early Fifties when we stayed away from beaches and public pools and didn’t go to movie theaters. I was brought up fundamentalist so we didn’t go to movies anyway, and thus felt that God was protecting us and had sent the polio as a warning to Catholics and Episcopalians. So we avoided them, which we would’ve done anyway. To us righteous, polio was not that scary. Nobody in my family got it. A girl named Shirley did and she came from a family that drank and took the Lord’s name in vain. Case closed.
What spooked the stock market last week was not only the virus but also the spectacle of the Leader of the Free World announcing that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. He looked like a sixth-grader giving a science report who had not bothered to read the textbook. This was slightly terrifying. A reality TV star in charge of national intelligence. The gentleman is an ace at twittering but when he says more than the 280-character limit he becomes vacuous and blathery. His strong suit is insult and ridicule — reassurance is alien to him, he’s a New Yorker, when a New Yorker hears tones of reassurance, it means “Put the pen back in your pocket, don’t sign the paper” — so the assignment has been passed to his mannequin friend Mr. Pence who is good at silence, which is better than blather at this point. Read the rest of the column >>> |
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Garrison Keillor: on tour this April This April, Garrison will be visiting theaters around the great state of Minnesota in a string of solo shows and shows with pianist Rich Dworsky. The American author, storyteller, humorist, voice actor, and radio personality will entertain guests with stories and anecdotes about growing up in Minnesota, share a few poems and limericks, and sing a few songs. Come prepared to laugh (and sing)! We hope to see you on the road!
All shows except for International Falls will feature Rich Dworsky on piano.
Upcoming LIVE events:
Grand Forks, ND on April 15, 2020 at the Empire Arts Center at 7:30pm Ticket Information >>>
International Falls, MN on April 17, 2020 at Backus Community Center at 7:00pm Ticket Information >>>
Rochester, MN on April 18, 2020 at the Rochester Civic Theatre at 7:30pm Ticket Information >>>
Fairmont, MN on April 24, 2020 at the Fairmont Opera House at 7:30pm Ticket Information >>>
Mankato, MN on April 25, 2020 at the Mankato Event Center at 7:30pm Ticket Information >>> |
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A Year in Lake Wobegon The newest collection of "above average" Lake Wobegon stories!! Our staff and volunteers worked on this collection for about a year, picking the very best newer stories to represent each month of the calendar year. Despite what Keillor often says about it being a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, a lot happens in "the little town that time forgot and decades could not improve."
Material includes more than 3 hours of monologues culled from live broadcasts of A Prairie Home Companion that aired between 2014 and 2016. Also included: a poem by Garrison for each month of the calendar year, plus music by Peter Ostroushko, a consummate musician who was with us since the early-early days. Here is the poem for March:
It's March in St. Paul. Eight a.m. A pale
Frozen mist in the air. The snow is gritty gray
Around the stone statue of Nathan Hale.
Scott Fitzgerald walks here almost every day
Hand in hand with Bessie Smith, or Maria Callas,
And Franz Kafka and Judy Garland stroll in the snow
And Princess Diana escapes from Kensington Palace
To meet Jack Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe.
They all look calm and very elegant indeed,
Despite all the grief they've been through.
To comprehend a nectar requires sorest need,
So said Emily Dickinson. (She's here, too.)
Life is tragic. Oh God, the miseries we bear
But it's always good to get out in the fresh air.
A full description of each story and the contents of the CD set can be found in our blog post below. Read the Blog Post >>>
Get the CD set >>> |
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| Alas, primary season is in full swing! Let's have honest and respectful conversations this election cycle, get ourselves to the polls, and do our best to "make America intelligent again." Get the hat >>> |
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| This week, Garrison dips his toe into the 2020 Presidential election by asking a simple question in the form of a poem. With his trademark wit and humor, the 'homegrown democrat' lays out the ideals and principles he was taught as a child. T-shirt is available in "Democrat Blue" in sizes S - XXL."I'm A Democrat" is printed in medium-size font in the center of the front of the shirt, and the full poem, below, is printed on the back.
I'm a democrat, I confess,
I went to a public school.
Teachers taught us helpfulness
And to follow the Golden Rule.
Don't push, don't be rude,
Don't boast and brag.
Keep a reverent attitude
When you salute the flag.
Love our country's history,
The Founders' noble cause
To protect equality,
Our liberty, our laws.
Don't mess up your environment,
And above all, do not lie!
Do you wish we had a President
Who is like that? So do I. Get the shirt >>> |
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