Garrison Keillor TONIGHT!![]() The solo trek continues in February with stops in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina (2/7), Wilmington, North Carolina (2/8), Evans, Georgia (2/10), and Huntsville, Alabama (2/11), before moving on to Florida to close out the month. This all-new one-man show combines a bit of stand-up with poetry, limericks, sing-alongs, the News from Lake Wobegon, and many other stories, insights, and laughs. We hope you can join him for a memorable evening. Listen to the February 1, 2003, showThis week, with all the current events going on in the world, we felt everyone could use a laugh, so we revisit one of the classic JOKE SHOWs, originally performed from the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota, featuring guests John Koerner, Jeff Lang, and Dale Mendenhall, plus a rare sound-effects bonanza as both Tom Keith and Fred Newman join in the fun. Listen to the show. To whet your appetite, instead of including guest profiles today, we include a few of our favorite jokes — ones featured during this broadcast, including the old standby and Garrison’s favorite, the penguin joke (which is also drawn out in a full-fledged sketch featuring the full cast). The Old Standby: So these two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin replies: Who says I'm not? Ole and Lena jokes: Did you ever hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her? One day, Svend and Ole were hunting and suddenly a man came running out of the bushes, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!" Ole raised his gun and shot him dead. Svend said, "Ole, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a deer!" And Ole replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!" Blonde jokes: A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel ahead, and she says: "Here we go again." A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345. A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.'' And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?'' Third-grader jokes: How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue. Two missionaries were captured by cannibals and they were stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire, and the water got hotter and hotter and suddenly, one guy started laughing, and the other guy says, "What's so funny?" The first guy replies: "I couldn't help it. I just peed in their soup!" Why did the composer only compose in bed? He was writing sheet music. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie-the-Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name. How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender. A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?" Political jokes: Hillary Clinton finds out from her doctor that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in her first term as Senator of New York and she calls home, gets Bill on the starts screaming. "How could you have let this happen? You go and get me pregnant! How could you? It is all your fault!!!" she screams. And Bill says, "Who is this?" What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? Second grade. Doctors and medicine: A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of cling film around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts." This man is walking by an insane asylum and he hears the inmates inside chanting inside "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen …" He is so fascinated that he walks up to the door and puts his eye up the keyhole and somebody pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick. And the inmates start changing "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen …" I woke up this morning and I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin. But after the first two, I felt better. One-liners: I got an A in philosophy last semester by proving that my professor doesn't exist. Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work: every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous. So the dyslexic walked into the bra. Men and Women: Why does an archeologist make a good husband? Because the older you get, the more interested he is in you. "Hey. Nice earring. How long have you been wearing an earring?" "Ever since my wife found it in the car." My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.
An elephant was walking through the jungle when he saw a turtle sitting on a log. And he said, "Hey, you're the same turtle who bit me 45 years ago." And he kicked the turtle and it flew a hundred feet and bounced off a tree and into the river. And the giraffe said, "Wow, you've got quite a memory." And the elephant said, "I have turtle recall." Did you hear about the exhibitionist who was going to retire? What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian: Someone who goes around knocking on doors but isn't sure why. A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He tells the bartender that the newt's name is Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replies the man. A man walked out of the bar and got in his car and a policeman came over and said, "Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man looked at the police officer and replied, "Officer, your eyes seem to be glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" The Joke BookCan you believe it’s been 25 years since the original version of the Pretty Good Joke Book was released? Throughout the year, we will feature jokes and anecdotes about the almost-annual EVENT. Fourteen complete shows plus good parts of several others created a fan-favorite show where Garrison and the cast read jokes, many arriving so fast that you could not slow down to wait for laughter to subside before the next joke was delivered. The PHC staff spent a lot of hours researching and trying to ensure that jokes weren’t repeated. Well, the Joke Book gathers them all together, plus many that were submitted but not used on air, and organizes them into convenient categories for easy enjoyment and sharing! Get the book. And remember, if you want the audio version of this particular show for an upcoming road trip or diversion, EVERY JOKE SHOW, yes, all of them, are included in the Plenty of Pretty Good Jokes collection as well as the more recent set, Pretty Good Jokes LIVE, gathering together all the jokes and segments from the last four years of the show. The Writer’s AlmanacHere is a new short audio featuring a collection of love poems that concludes with Garrison’s epic poem “The Finn Who Wouldn’t Take a Sauna” accompanied by a tuba ensemble. Listen - We hope you enjoy this collection of Love Poems. And we hope to keep assembling special compilations and promoting classic daily episodes of The Writer’s Almanac. You can support that effort here. This is a FREE NEWSLETTER. If you want to help support the cost of this newsletter, click this button. Currently there are no added benefits other than our THANKS! Any questions or comments, add below or email admin@garrisonkeillor.com |