Slate’s guide to the most important figures in politics this week.

1. Anonymous Washington, D.C., cocaine enthusiast

Hitting the slow summer news cycle right in the sweet spot.

Congress isn’t in session right now. The first Republican presidential primary debate isn’t until Aug. 23. Politico is running such stories as "Imagine if Gretchen Whitmer was running for president (she isn’t, but what if she was?)." In other words: A lot of slow news days. This is why we need to thank whoever left white powder in the West Wing of the White House on Sunday night—white powder which, according to a rapid test conducted by a D.C. firefighter, was, in fact, cocaine. (Authorities haven’t said how much of it there was or what it was contained in.) The story gave a sudden jolt, if you will, to a media and political environment that was otherwise starting to become a snooze. And although it looks like it will turn out that the perpetrator was probably just some tourist at an entrance checkpoint rather than a high-profile White House staffer or black-sheep presidential family member named Robert Hunter Biden, that person still deserves our appreciation—and also our urges to reconsider their lifestyle and/or seek treatment, because you probably shouldn’t be doing so much of an illegal drug that you accidentally (or purposely!) bring some of it to the most heavily secured location on the planet.

1. Kari Lake

Donald Trump, objecting to attention-seeking?

Former TV anchor turned MAGA nut Kari Lake nearly became governor of Arizona, losing her 2022 race for the office either because of a vast conspiracy against her (her version of events) or because her Democratic opponent received more votes (most other people’s version). With admirable (?) gumption, she pivoted immediately into an all-but-open campaign to become Donald Trump’s 2024 vice presidential nominee on the basis of the nested, backwards-world logic that having an election stolen from her (i.e., losing it) shows that she, like Trump, is actually the kind of winning candidate (losing candidate) that Democrats fear the most (would probably not mind seeing nominated again). Last month, People reported that Lake “practically lives in” a suite at Mar-a-Lago because she visits so frequently for networking and schmoozing. On Thursday, though, the Daily Beast reported that her limelight grabbing, camera hogging, and, uh, buzz coveting has started to annoy the big man, at least according to the “advisers” (i.e., members of an anti-Lake faction within Trumpworld) who spoke to the Beast. According to one of them, Trump “sees through” Lake’s vice presidential ambitions and is unlikely to pick her for the job. So that’s that, at least until a different cadre of advisers speaks to a different outlet about the same subject next week.

1. Bill de Blasio

Sexy “Mango” hours ahead in Park Slope.

Former New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has had a rough few years professionally, ending his term in office as a remarkably unpopular figure before launching unsuccessful, quickly abandoned campaigns for the presidency and Congress. Now comes word—via de Blasio and his wife, Chirlane McCray, themselves—that his marriage is ending. Sort of. According to a joint interview with the New York Times, de Blasio and McCray are going to begin dating other people, but will not yet file for divorce, and will “continue to share the Park Slope townhouse where they raised their two children, now in their 20s.” (The kids must love that part of the idea.) De Blasio also told the paper that he’s dyeing his hair because, quote, “I like feeling what I feel.” Then he played the Times reporter a song called “Mango,” which he says reflects his current state of mind. Since any attempt at appending a joke to this simple recounting of facts would only dilute its crazy power, this entry is over!

1. Ron DeSantis

Still doing great (trailing Trump by 30 points in the polls and getting bad press).

On June 30, a DeSantis campaign Twitter account reposted another user’s video that presents clips of Donald Trump expressing tolerant positions on gay, lesbian, and trans rights, followed by a 48-second montage of DeSantis’ various anti-LGBTQ+ “accomplishments,” spliced between clips of dominant, manly men (Brad Pitt in Troy, etc.) who feature in memes about alpha power. Even some conservatives felt that this attack on Trump—the video implies that there’s something a little funny about him for being so comfortable with gay and trans people—was out of bounds, which led DeSantis to defend it in an interview with the right-wing bro site OutKick. Trump, he argued, is a fair target for criticism because he was “a pioneer in injecting gender ideology into the mainstream.” Specifically, DeSantis alleges, Trump opened the door to men competing in women’s sports by telling Barbara Walters in 2012 that he would be OK with trans women participating in his Miss Universe beauty pageant. Long story short, “Donald Trump talking to Barbara Walters about the Miss Universe pageant” is now the most unusual event in American history to have ever been cited as a civil rights milestone.

1. Francis Suarez

He’s “running” for president at an undistinguished pace.

Francis Suarez, the 45-year-old Republican mayor of Miami, is running for president even though he’s the subject of an FBI corruption investigation and being mayor of Miami is not actually even a full-time job. (It’s a “weak mayor” system in which there’s also a city manager.) In other words, he’s running to get attention. It sort of worked this week, when an influential national politics columnist (OK, it was your substitute Surge author) noticed that Suarez had claimed on Twitter to have finished sixth in a 5K road race when he was actually sixth in his age group, with a middling time of 24:30. Suarez nonetheless challenged the rest of the presidential field, macho-style, to run as fast as he had. For one thing, this is silly in the same way that RFK Jr. was being silly by doing shirtless bench-presses last month. For another, it’s a challenge that Suarez would likely lose if anyone took it seriously, given that the Republican primary field includes a 37-year-old who is an elite tennis player and a 44-year-old who was a pretty good Division I baseball player. Do better, Francis Suarez! Or don’t. Either way, you’re probably dropping out before the Iowa caucus.

1. Eric Adams

Covfefe in the Big Apple.

When Eric Adams was running for mayor of New York in 2021 as a tough-on-crime moderate, left-leaning critics decried him as an ethically suspect charlatan. And while “left-leaning critics” aren’t correct about everything, they seem to have had a point re: Adams, who after winning election has been the subject of continuous coverage documenting his ongoing association with various felons and scam artists. This week, the New York Times reported on some flimflammery that Adams appears to have directed himself; according to the paper, a photo that the mayor spoke about and showed off publicly in 2022, depicting a friend who was killed in the line of duty as a police officer, was actually created by employees in the mayor’s office after Adams claimed in public that he carried it with him in his wallet. Per the Times, the new photo was made to look old and worn-out by such sophisticated means as splashing coffee on it. Hey, when this guy said he was going to bring back law and order, we didn’t realize he meant order-ing coffee to pour on a fake picture! (Sorry. The good news is that this newsletter is almost over.) 

1. Yevgeny Prigozhin

Schrödinger’s hot dog vendor.

Not long ago, Russian mercenary leader and catering tycoon Yevgeny Prigozhin was living the good life—seizing the strategically important southern city of Rostov-on-Don, turning his armored columns toward Moscow, musing (presumably) about what kind of decadent top-end borscht he would be serving on his first night in the Kremlin if his coup attempt against Vladimir Putin were to succeed. Since then, though, things have gotten cloudier. After losing his nerve before reaching the capital, Prigozhin agreed to a deal in which he’d be granted freedom from prosecution if he left Russia for Belarus. No offense to Belarus, but that doesn’t sound that great. This week, moreover, Russian state TV announced that an “investigation” of Prigozhin’s mutiny is proceeding in a broadcast that also aired the apparently damning allegation that he has a closet full of wigs. (Politico translated it like so: “ ‘Oh!’ exclaimed Petrov as the footage rolled. ‘This is a closet full of Yevgeny Prigozhin’s secrets—wigs! Why does he need wigs at his house?’ ”) On the other hand, the Financial Times is reporting that Prigozhin may now be traveling throughout Russia, with Putin’s tacit permission, to wrap up his business endeavors before more fully entering exile—but the paper also says that is causing other Russian elites to grumble that Prigozhin is getting off easy. Is this dude going to make it or not? At this point, all we can say is that the entire incident is a cautionary tale about the risks involved in trying to turn a mercenary army against the strongman leader of an authoritarian police state. Be careful out there, everyone!