In these weekly letters to you, dear reader, I try to be as vulnerable as possible. I do this not for entertainment, but because I feel your support, and even your love. And for me, love means honesty.
I hope you receive these letters with love. Like this one.
Because I want to share with you something I’ve been going through.
I had a dream the other night that got me wondering. Here it is:
I am talking with a young, beautiful woman with dark hair. I think she asks me about my background, and I tell her that I studied theology, and was a pastor for 30 years. She immediately loses interest in talking with me. I’m embarrassed, so I try to fix it by telling her, “But now I’m an artist!”
The dream seems to suggest that there is still this weird dynamic going on within me that is embarrassed by my religious past. Theological education. Pastoral career. There’s something more acceptable about being an artist. I’ve always struggled with this.
But, I’m getting invited to more and more Christian events, organizations, seminaries, podcasts, and churches, etc. What’s up with that???
On the one hand, it still surprises me that anyone, especially Christians, would want to bring me in for an event. On the other hand, I’m very grateful and enjoy it very much. I love hanging out with such people. It feels good and I always receive so much love and affirmation.
Ten years ago this wouldn’t have happened. I think it’s because I was too “out there” back then. Now, what I’ve been talking about has become more normalized. And some people even see what I do as helpful.
I’m happy about that.
Even the dispute over my name, NakedPastor… some are like, “But you’re not a pastor anymore. Drop it!” And others are like, “You are very much MY pastor!”
I don’t know what to do with this except just see it. I’m very much on the outside of the official church. But I’m very much involved in the spiritual lives of so many people. Maybe even you!
So… I’m not just an artist. I’m also a spiritual friend to many people.
What do I call myself? What is what I do called? What do I even do? What is the thread that binds all that I do together? Why am I confused and embarrassed by these questions?
I suspect I will go to my grave wrestling with this.
Okay… thanks for listening.
