The Words We Need

I’ve been thinking a lot about karma lately. Destiny, comeuppance, consequence—call it what you want, but our actions matter. Causes have effects, and the older I get, the more I see the value of making the right choices. Not all choices are equal, of course, and it’s nice to say you will have no regrets in life. But any life has its fair share of “I should have known better” moments and lessons we can hopefully apply to the future. 

Years ago, I would have titled this piece something like “Create Your Own Destiny,” but the truth is we don’t have control over our lives and where we end up. At least, not entirely. There are other forces at work in the world, many of which are seemingly beyond our own personal sense of agency. Sure, we can influence and impact. But there is a lot of chaos in the cosmos that has to be dealt with.

In times like those, when you clearly are not the only one in the driver’s seat, you need to have something to ground you. Some words to remember. A mantra to memorize. A prayer to keep in your back pocket.

Something.

The first step of any twelve-step program is the same: admit you have become powerless and you need help. Your life is unmanageable, and you must submit to a power higher than yourself, something greater than the you that got you into this mess in the first place. If you don’t, nothing will change.

Freedom comes from surrender, not more attempts to control things. More than ever, I see the wisdom in this. I understand why as we get older, and hopefully wiser, we humans tend to get quieter. Opinions soften, and we see the possibility of nuance in a universe that is not so black and white all the time. And, if we are lucky, we see how much we need others, how much guidance from sources outside ourselves, and how submitting to such forces, on some level, is required in any human life. Your destiny is not a script you write but more like the movie ending you never saw coming.

Recently, I started working with a business coach. She encouraged me to adopt a mantra to help me tackle my greatest personal challenge, which is when to be responsible and when to be bold.

I’ve always struggled with wanting to do big things but fear they won’t work out. So why try? My life is a constant tug between timidity and courage. I want to be brave but am still very much afraid of failure, rejection, and embarrassment.

Conventional wisdom would tell us to leap and the net will appear. But as a forty-something father and husband, I can give you a long list of times when the net did now show up before my body hit the floor. It’s a nice thing to say, but when you have children living with you and a spouse who likes to sleep in a warm bed, these cliches become less reliable.

On the other hand, I’ve seen the shortcomings of living small, playing too safe, and going with the flow to the point that there is not much left to the adventure of living. That’s no fun, either. 

So what does a slightly jaded but occasionally optimistic writer do with himself?

He turns to words, finds a phrase he can adopt into his daily lifestyle, something aspirational that still feels doable. In response to all this, my coach shared the idea of “responsible confidence,” and it resonated. Yes, I thought, that’s what I want. To take care of what’s mine to take care of but keep trying big things. To be courageous even when the storms of life do not relent. That’s what I’ve been musing on lately, repeating to myself in the quieter moments of the day. Responsible confidence. 

It just might be simple enough to work.

As it so happens, this week my team at Fresh Complaint has launched a couple of new projects that have their own respective mantras built into the titles: 

The first is Reid Tileston’s Grit It Done, a business book about becoming an entrepreneur through acquisition (i.e. buying other businesses). Reid helped me see how business can be done differently from how I’ve typically done it and seen others do it. Becoming an entrepreneur doesn’t mean you need to have some big, new idea. You can, instead, take something someone else has done and simply build upon it. Most successful businesses, in fact, are built this way.

“Own things, don’t run things” is how Reid begins the book, and that little sentence encapsulates a unique approach to this world of entrepreneurship through acquisition. It takes work, and a little guts, but it can be done. You don’t have to be a genius or ridiculously lucky to live out a dream. You just have to, in the words of Reid, grit it done.

This week only, Reid’s book (the Kindle) is only 99 cents on Amazon in the U.S.. Don’t miss your chance to get this blueprint for modern-day business ownership. And once you pick up a copy, be sure to claim the free bonuses.

Second on the list of new and upcoming books is Susan Strong’s memoir One Yes At a Time, which just went on preorder. This is a beautiful account of open adoption: how Susan and her husband Bob met their daughters from two different birth families and how they all navigated the messy, wonderful adventure of becoming a family together. 

When people would ask Susan and Bob how they did it, they would always respond the same: “One yes at a time.” They made the seemingly impossible possible by continually stepping into the unknown and not resisting the change that wanted to come. The book is a fantastic read and a wonderful gift for anyone who knows the challenges of adoption, fostering, blending a family, or just growing together with the people you love. Be sure to order a hardcover.

So, there you have it. Three different mantras for three very different situations. May these words help you through whatever challenges you might be facing.

For the moments when you need to be bold and careful, when you don’t want to bet the farm but also don’t want to give up, remember responsible confidence. Take care of what needs to be taken care of, but never stop dreaming.

And for the times when you just need to roll up your sleeves and get to work, when you’ve got a dream that deserves some focus and discipline, sometimes you just gotta grit it done.

And finally, when it all seems out of control and there is no other option but to surrender, don’t forget to dance with the mystery and wonder life one yes at a time.

We all need words to get us through the more difficult moments. Which of these resonates the most with you right now? Or, is there a better mantra that fits your situation? I’d love to hear about it. Hit reply or leave a comment.