All week

COMEDY FEST: JW2 Jewish cultural centre runs a Comedy Fest, consisting of gigs across a few days this week. Female Pilot Club is a chance to see brand new, female-written TV pilots, and Drama Queen sees Sara Gibb and Desiree Burch shoot the breeze together. Browse the full programme. JW3 (North Finchley), various prices, book ahead, 13-20 March

DANE BAPTISTE: The LOLs continue as comedian Dane Baptiste performs his stand-up show, The Chocolate Chip. Since his last tour, the world has never been so divided. With BLM protests, insurrections, and government lies to contend with, everyone has a chip on their shoulder — Baptiste chooses to embrace his. Soho Theatre, £13-£18, book ahead, 15-19 March

BARNES MUSIC FESTIVAL: Barnes Music Festival is in its final week, with events including performances by Barnes Community Choir and the Connaught Brass Ensemble, plus a film screening. Browse the full programme. Various locations and prices, book ahead, until 20 March

ST PATRICK'S DAY EVENTS: Thursday is St Patrick's Day, and the whole week is looking fairly greenwashed with all of these events to celebrate Ireland's patron saint. London's Irish pubs are going to be looking pretty lively this week too.

SAKURA SEASON: Swanky restaurant Mei Ume transforms into an indoor cherry blossom garden, featuring a special menu of traditional Japanese dishes with optional sake pairing. It's not a thrifty dining option, but makes a lovely spot for a treat. Mei Ume (Tower Hill), 14 March-29 April

REVIVAL: Roy Mehta's incredible photos of Brent in the 1980s and 90s go on show, documenting the churches, homes, dancehalls, barbers and other places of community connections as they were back then. The Library at Willesden Green, free, just turn up, 14 March-29 May

COCKTAILS FOR UKRAINE: Piano Works in Farringdon has made two special cocktails — Sky Above Grain (signifying Ukraine's national flag) and Sunflower Power (its national flower), which they're selling till the start of June. £2 from each cocktail goes directly to the British Red Cross. Their talented musicians have also released a charity single of the Mariah Carey song Hero.

UKRAINE DONATIONS: Lewisham Polish Centre has been driving donations of various supplies to Poland, where many Ukrainian people have fled to, although at time of writing they're NOT after any more contributions. They are, however, seeking volunteers to help sorting and packing (check ahead, as sometimes they have too many volunteers). Or drop a few quid in their JustGiving appeal.

Monday 14 March

FREE BEER: Now that we've got your attention... Hong Kong style siu mei outfit Three Uncles opens its third London restaurant, in Brixton today. Every customer who comes to feast on dishes like Cantonese roast duck, and crispy pork belly gets a free Brixton Brewery lager or pale ale (or soft drink). Three Uncles (Brixton), open from 12pm

LUNCHTIME RECITAL: Head to the Royal Opera House to get your lunchtime dose of culture. Today's edition of Recitals at Lunch features bass Blaise Malaba and pianist Michael Papadopoulos, performing works by Brahms, Fauré, and traditional Congolese spiritual songs. Royal Opera House, £16, book ahead, 1pm

DEEP OCEANS: Oceanographer and renowned explorer Captain Don Walsh, undersea explorer Victor Vescovo and submarine engineer Patrick Lahey join forces to provide an insight into what lives in our oceans. They share their experiences of diving into the depths, and their thoughts on what deep ocean exploration could look like in the future. Royal Institution (Mayfair), £16/£10/£7, book ahead, 7pm-8.30pm

IRELAND THE SHOW: Ahead of St Patrick's Day, Ireland The Show is in town, showcasing culture from the Emerald Isle. Singers and performers from across Ireland are accompanied by the Keltic Storm band and world champion Keltic Fusion Irish dancers, in a show that's been described as "Riverdance meets Mrs Brown at an Irish hooley". Enough said. Millfield Theatre (Edmonton), £25, book ahead, 7.30pm

THE LOL WORD: Queer women, trans and non-binary comedy collective The LOL Word returns to Soho Theatre for a stand-up show, featuring no cis-male comics and plenty of punching the patriarchy.Soho Theatre, £12.50-£15.50, book ahead, 9pm

Tuesday 15 March

JEWISH CEMETERY: Go on a guided tour of the fascinating Willesden Jewish Cemetery, and learn about scientist Rosalind Franklin, Tesco founder Jack Cohen and the infamous Madame Rachel. Willesden Jewish Cemetery, free, book ahead, 11am

FREE CONCERT: Resident pianist Stephen Hose performs a 45-minute programme of classical music in Lauderdale House's Long Gallery — with the added benefit of views over Waterlow Park to enjoy as you listen. Lauderdale House (Highgate), free, book ahead, 1pm

LATCHKEY LADIES: Originally published in 1921 but largely forgotten, Marjorie Grant's The Latchkey Ladies is a novel about working and living in London at the end of the first world war. Now, as it's being republished, hear from publisher Kate Macdonald and author and academic Sarah LeFanu about the background to the book. Online event, free, book ahead, 2pm-3pm

DO IT LIKE A DUDE: As part of Royal Museums Greenwich's programme of Women's History Month events, join an online talk about people whose stories challenge the constructs of gender and reveal untold women and gender non-conforming histories within the navy. Online event, £10, book ahead, 6.30pm-7.30pm

WHISTLER IN CHELSEA: Hear from author Antony Clayton about artist James McNeill Whistler's life in London, including many years spent in Chelsea in the late-Victorian period. Online event, free, book ahead, 6.30pm-7.30pm

Wednesday 16 March

WILD AND CULTIVATED: The Garden Museum's latest exhibition explores the use of roses in fashion from the Victorian era to present day. Find out how designers such as Alexander McQueen, Philip Treacy, and Comme des Garçons have used the rose as a symbol in their work. Garden Museum (Lambeth), included in museum admission (£12.50), book ahead, 16 March-19 June

ANIMAL EXTINCTION: Can we bring animals back from extinction? That's up for discussion by a panel of experts at the Royal Society, who consider whether science has progressed far enough that we could resurrect the likes of dodos and woolly mammoths — and, importantly, whether we should. Online event, free, 6pm-7pm

SLEEP DISORDERS: Hear from consultant neurologist Professor Guy Leschziner about what goes on in our brains when we sleep, and the recent discovery that sleep may not affect the entire brain. He also talks about experiences of sleep deprivation, lucid dreaming, and a range of clinical sleep disorders, such as insomnia, dream enactment and sleep paralysis. Barnard's Inn Hall (Holborn) or online, free, book ahead, 6pm-7pm

GETTING OLD: Ageing is inevitable... or is it? Scientist Andrew Steele discusses the possibility of getting old without getting older at this Royal Institution lecture. Find out about research being done into slowing the ageing process down, or even stopping it altogether. Royal Institution (Mayfair)/online, £16/£10/£7, book ahead, 7pm-8.30pm

FOURPURE COMEDY: Jeff Innocent, Marlon Davis , Charlie Partridge, Miss Mo Real , Ro Dodgson & MC Siôn James are all on the bill at Fourpure Live Comedy. And as a bonus, your ticket gets you a free pint of Fourpure beer while you watch. The Grafton Arms (Kentish Town), £10, book ahead, 8.30pm-11pm

Thursday 17 March

THE OTHER ART FAIR: The Other Art Fair takes over the Old Truman Brewery for four days of artwork, without the stuffiness of more traditional art fairs. Original and affordable pieces are for sale, alongside immersive installations, live performances and a bar. Plus, workshops include Black Girl Knit Club, and Tatreez embroidery workshop, inspired by vintage Jordanian and Palestinian works. The Old Truman Brewery (Brick Lane), from £9, book ahead, 17-20 March

CAREERING: To celebrate the publication of Daisy Buchanan's new novel, Careering, she discusses the book with author and journalist Lauren Bravo. The book is about two women who love their jobs, but slowly begin to realise that their jobs don't love them. Waterstones Gower Street, £7/£18 with book, book ahead, 6.30pm-7.45pm

ANGLO-AMERICAN CONCERT: The Chamber Ensemble of London perform a (mostly) light-hearted concert celebrating transatlantic connections. The programme includes pieces by Elgar and Gershwin, as well as variations on Yankee Doodle. Conway Hall (Holborn), £10-£14, book ahead, 7.30pm

LOUIE VEGA: Another example of Classic Album Sundays not doing what they say on the tin, this Thursday evening is spent celebrating DJ-producer Louie Vega. He joins CAS present Colleen Murphy for a discussion and playback of some of his top tracks. British Library, £14, book ahead, 7.30pm-9pm

Friday 18 March

GOTHIC LONDON: The team behind London's Month of the Dead in October have resurrected their activities for Gothic London, a weekend of thrilling-looking events, including a candlelit theremin concert and a  Gothic magic lantern show. Guy's Hospital Chapel, various prices, book ahead, 18-20 March

LONDON HANDEL FESTIVAL: Each year, the London Handel Festival celebrates the work of composer George Frideric Handel with a programme of concerts and walks. It kicks off tonight with the semi-final of the International Handel Singing Competition. 18 March-18 April

PHOTOGRAPHING PROTEST: Bethnal Green's Four Corners unveils a new exhibition of work by photographers documenting political struggle and social change in Britain from 1968 to today. In particular, it centres the voices and perspectives of women and non-binary photographers. 18 March-30 April

SOLDIER'S LIFE: The 18th century was a time of both struggle and adventure for members of the British Army. Professor Stephen Conway gives a talk about what daily life was like for the average British soldier at that time, using letters, diaries and official records. National Army Museum (Chelsea), free, book ahead, 12pm

FRIDAY LATE: Fancy exploring London Transport Museum after hours? This Friday Late celebrates the museum's new exhibition Legacies: London Transport’s Caribbean Workforce in truly spectacular style, with DJ sets, AR fun, workshops on steel pan drumming and carnival tiara crafting, and fascinating talks on how Caribbean people have shaped the capital. London Transport Museum (Covent Garden), £15 adults/£12 concessions, book ahead, 6.30pm-10pm (sponsor)

YO!GA: Nope that's not a typo. YO!GA fuses spoken word, yoga movements and 'positive rapfirmations', set to an ambient hip-hop soundtrack. Go there to reduce your stress levels, or just to find out what it's all about. Work + Play (Finsbury Park), £10.25, book ahead, 7pm-8.30pm

Saturday 19 March

RIVER CRUISE: Black History Walks take to the water with a three-hour cruise of the Thames, covering a wealth of history from African Romans to Kings College's Caribbean connection, via Black Spitfire pilots. Proceeds from the event go towards a fundraiser for plaques in honour of seven Black historical heroes. Departs from Temple, £36, book ahead, 2pm-5pm

SIX NATIONS: It's the final weekend of this year's Six Nations rugby tournament. If you're planning to watch the action, peruse our list of London pubs and venues which are screening the tournament.

FASHIONING MASCULINITIES: As men's fashions become ever more creative (hello, Harry Styles), The V&A launches an exhibition looking at how designers, tailors and artists have constructed and performed masculinity, and unpicked it at the seams. V&A Museum, £20, book ahead, from 19 March

VAGINA MUSEUM: After leaving its Camden home in 2021, The Vagina Museum reopens at its new home in Bethnal Green today. The new space is twice as big as the old one, meaning plenty of room for new displays and exhibitions. Vagina Museum (Bethnal Green), free entry, book ahead, from 19 March

RAILWAY MODELLING: Model railway enthusiasts from all over country gather at Alexandra Palace for the London Festival of Railway Modelling. 100+ exhibitors show off their layouts, and there's a chance to pick up rarer scales and gauges. Alexandra Palace, adult £13/child £7, book ahead, 19-20 March

WHERE'S WALLY: Though it's previously taken place in the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park, this year's Where's Wally Fun Run is virtual, meaning you can take part from anywhere. Choose whether to run 1km, 5km or 10km, don your best Where's Wally stripes, and get sponsored in aid of The National Literacy Trust. Virtual event, £20 adult/£15 child sign up fee, 19-20 March

KYŌSAI: The Royal Academy's latest exhibition is dedicated to Kawanabe Kyōsai, a 19th century Japanese painter whose work hasn't been shown in the UK for almost 30 years. Paintings, woodcut prints and illustrated books all feature in the show. The Royal Academy (Mayfair), £17, book ahead, 19 March-19 June

Sunday 20 March

PALACE HALF: If ever a half marathon route was fit for a king/queen, it's the Palace Half. Start your run at the gates of Hampton Court Palace and take in the local area — including crossing the Thames twice, before finishing in the palace gardens. Plenty of charities are still looking for runners to take part on their behalf. Hampton Court Palace, from £38 entry, book ahead, 9am

RETRO GAMES FAIR: Traders from all over the UK come together for the Retro Games Fair at the Royal National Hotel, where retro video games, board games and merchandise are available to buy. Royal National (Russell Square), £5 before 12pm/£2 after, book ahead, 11am-4pm

BIG LONDON FLEA: Browse through furniture, homewares, vintage attire, industrial electricals, lighting, and other unexpected oddities at The Big London Flea. 50 traders are present, from experienced vintage sellers to local people having a clear-out, so there's something for a wide range of budgets. Evolutionary Arts Hackney, £1 entry, just turn up, 11am-5pm

PLANET EARTH II: Natural history expert and TV presenter Liz Bonnin hosts Planet Earth II - Live in Concert, a screening of footage from the documentary series, accompanied by a live soundtrack of music composed by the likes of Hans Zimmer. The O2, various prices, book ahead, 1.30pm/6pm

PARTY BRUNCH: Sundays are brunch days at sleek hangout 100 Wardour Street. Accompany your eggs benedict and fizz with live music from Wanderers, who play hits by everyone from ABBA to Beyonce. £30-£33 + £25 for the bottomless prosecco option, book ahead, from 2pm

CRAY WANDERERS: Head to Hayes Lane in Bromley for an afternoon of semi-pro football, as Cray Wanderers F.C. take on Bowers & Pitsea. Why not make a day of it, and explore the local area, like we did. £10 adult, £5 concessions, book ahead, KO 3pm

PISCES PRINNY: Notting Hill Arts Club hosts the launch of Pisces Prinny's debut EP, The Jejune Heart. She's performing tracks live with backing by The Brokën Toyz. If jazzy, soulful, alternative r'n'b is your groove, this is for you. Notting Hill Arts Club (Notting Hill Gate), £5 in advance/£10 on the door, book in advance, 7pm-2am

Urban Oddity of the week

In honour of St Patrick's Day (17 March), here's one of London's most famous Irish pubs. The Claddagh Ring in Hendon is a beauty of a pub. Until recently, it boasted this unique Irish signpost out front. The sign and lamp posts were removed in 2020 as part of a refit — so this is a vanished oddity.

Perhaps one of the pub's regulars was Stephen O'Flynn, whose bench plaque in Greenwich Park proclaims him as both a proud Irishman and a lover of good booze.

Good cause of the week

The arches under Waterloo Station are always an atmospheric place to visit. On 19 March, you have the perfect excuse. House of Vans is running an eco-conscious Maker's Market in the space, with free entry. As well as picking up some quality hand-crafted gifts, you can also enter the charity raffle raising money for The British Red Cross Society DEC Ukraine Humanitarian Appeal. Plus, there's a bar. This sounds like the perfect event for everyone.