Things To Do This Week In London: 2-8 September 2024

All week

TOTALLY THAMES: Month-long riverine festival Totally Thames gets into its stride this week, with an impressive events programme spanning exhibitions, performances, art installations, boat trips, walks, talks and more. Highlights this week include an installation dubbed "Canary Wharf's smallest gay bar", a talk by mudlark and artist Nicola White, and kayaking taster sessions (not literally). Until 30 September

GDIF: This is the final week of this year's Greenwich + Docklands International Festival, with free outdoor theatre performances taking place around east London. Dancing City takes over Stratford, and A Ballad Of Thamesmead is performed at the Thamesmead Clock Tower, among other events. FREE, until 8 September

RONNIE SCOTT'S RETURNS: After a lengthy closure for refurbishment,  the legendary Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club in Soho reopens its doors on Monday. 10-piece resident band Natalie Williams’ Soul Family reopen the doors, with Ronnie Scott's Jazz Orchestra, trumpet player Jackson Mathod, and Blues Explosion among the artists scheduled for later this week. From 2 September

PARALYMPICS: The Paralympics are ongoing in Paris, with these London venues screening the action for free. Blind football, wheelchair basketball and para canoe are among the sports you can watch this week. FREE, until 11 September

LAST CHANCE: It's a bumper week for exhibitions and theatre shows closing in London. This is your final chance to see all of the following:

• TAYLOR SWIFT: The V&A's free trail dedicated to singer-songwriter Taylor Swift shows off some of her outfits and instruments at 13 different locations throughout the museum, including her costume from The Man music video, and the glittering dress she wore to announce 2022 album Midnights. FREE, until 8 September

• WIZARD OF OZ: We're off to see the Wizard... but only until Sunday when the current production of the Wizard of Oz at the London Palladium — starring JLS member Aston Merrygold as The Tin Man and RuPaul’s Drag Race UK winner The Vivienne as The Wicked Witch of the West — ends. Until 8 September

• THE GRUFFALO: Mouse, the cunning Fox, the eccentric old Owl and the high-spirited Snake all go on a hunt for the Gruffalo on stage at the Lyric Theatre, in a show suitable for age 3+. Until 8 September

• ENZO MARI: The Design Museum celebrates the life and work of 20th century Italian designer Enzo Mari. His projects ranged from furniture, children's books and games to product and graphic design, and more conceptual installation-based works, and the exhibition gives an insight into his research and creative process. Until 8 September

• FROZEN THE MUSICAL: Let it go, let it goooo... you'll have to if you don't get tickets to Frozen the Musical soon — it bows out of the West End after a three-year run this week. Until 8 September

• MYTHS TO MANGA: The inaugural exhibition at the Young V&A, Japan: Myths to Manga is a family-friendly look at Japanese culture, including how landscape and folklore have influenced art, technology and design in the country.  Sylvanian Families, Hello Kitty and Studio Ghibli characters are among the familiar faces which feature. Until 8 September

• SIX LIVES: The National Portrait Gallery's exhibition focuses on Henry VIII's queens. Six Lives features Tudor paintings by Hans Holbein the Younger and contemporary photography by Hiroshi Sugimoto, chronicling the representation of Katherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Katherine Howard and Katherine Parr throughout history and popular culture in the centuries since they lived. Until 8 September

• FASHION DOUBLE BILL: Apparently one of its most popular exhibitions ever, the Fashion & Textile Museum's The Biba Story comes to an end, telling the story of fashion illustrator Barbara Hulanicki's phenomenally successful fashion house. Also closing at the same museum on the same day is Do A Ruby Keeler, with one ticket getting you into both exhibitions. Until 8 September

EAT OF THE WEEK: Crunchy minced chicken rolls, a super kicky cucumber and salmon ceviche, and pickled tea oil-washed martinis await at Lahpet Larder, on Bermondsey Street. Making up a trio of Lahpet's modern Burmese restaurants in London, superbly vibrant sharing dishes are made with skill, love — and ingredients imported directly from Myanmar.

READ OF THE WEEK: Think Croydon is crap? Think again. Croydonopolis: A Journey to the Greatest City That Never Was waxes lyrical about London's most misunderstood town: archbishops, retail magnates, aviators, starchitects, record breakers, pop stars — Croydon has produced the best of them, as this book proves. It publishes on 5 September and you can use the code CROYDON10 for a 10% discount here. (Disclaimer: in the interest of transparency, the person writing this paragraph also wrote the book.)

Monday 2 September

MONDAY MATINEE: Head to Handel Hendrix House in Mayfair for a matinee performance by the Portrait Players. They perform works which Handel wrote for some of his favourite soloists, including cellist Andrea Caporale, oboeist Johann Ernst Galliard and singers Margherita Durastanti, Anna Maria la Strada, Élisabeth Duparc and John Beard. 1pm

BENEATH LONDON'S STREETS: Footprints of London guide Rob Smith offers a walking tour focusing on what's going on beneath London's streets. Begin at Tower Hill station and visit a church crypt, the remains of London's largest tea warehouse, an underground market, bits of Roman London and what is probably London's deepest shop — all open to the public, but you probably weren't aware of them before. 2.30pm-4.30pm

SUDAN FUNDRAISER: Non-profit organisation Makrooh hosts an evening of entertainment at Soho Theatre, to raise money for people suffering from the effects of war in Sudan. Expect poetry, music and an auction, all raising money for Sudanese people who are facing the worst famine of the last 40 years, as well as nearly non-existent healthcare, mass displacement, and daily armed attacks. 7pm

HENRY MANCINI: Tonight's BBC Proms show at the Royal Albert Hall is a celebration of the life and work of American musician, composer and conductor Henry Mancini. The BBC Concert Orchestra performs some of his work including themes from The Pink Panther and Peter Gunn, as well as easy-going tracks by Burt Bacharach, Les Baxter and Juan García Esquivel. Here's everything you need to know about getting Proms tickets. 7.30pm

NEW MOON MUSIC: It's Monday which means it's new music night at the Half Moon in Putney. Different singer-songwriters, bands, poets, and performance artists play each week — tonight's line-up include four-piece rock band Glitch, and singer-songwriter Lorenzo Bonfanti. 7.30pm

Tuesday 3 September

LIGHT AND LAND: All aspects of outdoor photography, from traditional landscapes to architecture and street, wildlife and documentary, are on show at Light and Land, a free photography exhibition at Mall Galleries. It's organised by the photographic holiday tour company of the same name, to celebrate its 30th anniversary, with photos taken by tour leaders featured. FREE, 3-7 September

EVEREST EXHIBITION: The Royal Geographical Society in Kensington opens a free display of prints from the British Mount Everest expeditions that took place between 1921 and 1953. The images were made direct from the negative and printed using the platinum palladium process, meaning they can be seen like never before. FREE, 3-12 September

SE FEST: Taking place at The Bridge House Theatre in Penge and The Jack Studio in Crofton Park, SE Fest is a celebration of new theatre. It begins tonight with Dani's Inferno — a musical about the climate crisis — and That Witch Helen a feminist retelling of Helen of Troy. Intimate one-person shows and physical theatre performances are also on the programme over the coming days. 3-13 September

WIESENTHAL: The life story of Austrian Simon Wiesenthal, who survived the Holocaust and spent the rest of his life  bringing Nazi war criminals to justice, is told in theatre show Wiesenthal, at the King's Head Theatre. 3-15 September

SAHARAN FILMS: Barbican Cinema hosts an evening of films that explore the identities and landscapes of the Sahara, including works by filmmakers Med Hondo and Abderahmane Sissako. They include Life on Earth, about a young Malian returning from France to see in the new millennium with family. 6.20pm

CHIPPY TEA: Brand new comedy night Chippy Tea launches at Aces and Eights in Tufnell Park. Expect a feast of sizzling stand-up, sketch and alternative comedy — with West Midlands duo Bab on hosting duties. Even better, the night actively promotes female/LGBTQ+ comedians. 7.30-9.30pm

Wednesday 4 September

UNLIMITED FESTIVAL: Work by disabled and D/deaf artists, companies and performers forms the programme of Unlimited Festival at Southbank Centre. Performance, dance, literature, comedy, music, visual art and more are all on the programme — which include some free events — such as Touretteshero's show Burnt Out in Biscuit Land. 4-8 September

MAD HATTER'S TEA PARTY: Hip hop company ZooNation brings its own take on Lewis Carroll's Wonderland to the Royal Opera House, in the form of the Mad Hatter's Tea Party. Wonderland becomes a dysfunctional institution where the Queen of Hearts has anger issues, Alice is confused about just how big or small her body actually is and the Mad Hatter is suffering from mercury poisoning. 4-24 September

KANYE WEST: Robert K. Beshara gives an online talk about his recent book, A Psychoanalytic Reading of Ye, which looks at 2016-2021 actions of Kanye West, AKA 'Ye' through the the lens of Freudo-Lacanian psychoanalysis. 6pm-7.30pm

DINA ÖGON: Four-piece Swedish group Dina Ögon are at Islington Assembly Hall for a performance of their Nordic pop-style music. They've been likened to the Beach Boys and Fleetwood Mac, and tonight perform songs from their latest album, Orion. 7pm-11pm

SAKE MASTERCLASS: The co-founder and head brewer of KANPAI, the UK's first sake brewery, is at Dulwich Picture Gallery for a masterclass in the Japanese drink. Sample five of the brand's premium sakes while learning about the techniques used to make them. 7.30pm-9.30pm

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LIVE COMEDY: Head to the Crown & Treaty in Uxbridge for a comedy show starring Shazia Mirza, Russell Hicks, Alex Martini, Victoria Howden, and a special guest TBC. The show is in association with Windsor & Eton Brewery, so your ticket includes a complimentary Windsor & Eton craft beer (or a medium house wine, or a soft drink). 8pm

Thursday 5 September

COCKTAILS IN THE CITY: For the final time this year, boozy festival Cocktails in the City takes over Bedford Square Gardens. Drink your way around pop-ups from 20 of London's bars (alright, maybe don't have a drink at every one) and take part in cocktail masterclasses, or enjoy live music, a silent disco and other entertainment. 5-7 September

LIGHTROOM LIVE: Classical pianist Yuja Wang is back at Lightroom in King's Cross for a series of intimate concerts surrounded by the current exhibition of projections of artworks by David Hockney. 5-8 September

LONDON PODCAST FESTIVAL: Headphones at the ready for London Podcast Festival at Kings Place, which sees both mainstream and niche podcasts filmed in front of a live audience, with some of the recordings streamed online too. Drunk Women Solving Crime, The Guilty Feminist, and the Empire Film Podcast are some of the big name shows, along with offerings on comedy, food and politics. 5-15 September

LONDON MURAL FESTIVAL: Organised by Global Street Art, the London Mural Festival returns to the capital’s streets, with over 100 murals to explore. The programme includes street art tours and calligraphy workshops, as well as those new artworks to track down. 5-29 September

THE MAGICIAN'S TABLE: Carnival-themed immersive magic experience The Magician's Table opens at a secret location near London Bridge, repurposed at the private warehouse of a fictional recently-deceased carnival owner. Former World Open Champion of Close-Up Magic Richard McDougall, rock and roll magician Pete Heat and card magician Andrew Frost are among those performing against a backdrop of live music, with drinks served at your table. From 5 September

VOYAGE AROUND THE QUEEN: The V&A hosts author Craig Brown to launch his new book, a biography of Queen Elizabeth II. A Voyage Around The Queen combines biography, essays, cultural histories and more, to paint a picture of the late monarch. You can watch in-person at the museum, or online via livestream. 7pm-8.45pm

JUST THESE PLEASE: Tonight's offering at Underbelly Festival in Cavendish Square is Just These Please, a fast-paced musical comedy sketch show performed by three actor-comedians and one maritime lawyer. Age 14+. 9pm

Friday 6 September

HERITAGE OPEN DAYS: The Heritage Open Days programme in London begins today, with churches, palaces, manor houses, cemeteries and water towers are among the properties inviting the public inside for the occasion. Think of it as a sort-of warm-up for Open House next week. 6-15 September

ROCKY HORROR SHOW: Do the Time Warp again at the Dominion Theatre, as the Rocky Horror Show is in town for just two weeks from today, with Jason Donovan in the role of mad scientist/seductive crossdressing alien, Dr. Frank-N-Furter. 6-20 September

SAATCHI GALLERY LATE: Chelsea's Saatchi Gallery holds its final Summer Lates event, keeping the doors open past normal closing time for a Voguing life-drawing workshop. Visit the current Beyond Fashion exhibition, then try your hand at sketching models as the pull poses associated with the dance technique, which emerged from the drag scene in Harlem during the 1980s. 6.30pm-9pm

TALKING GARDENS: Tickets to Talking Gardens at the Garden Museum have sold out, but you can still tune in to watch the livestream online. Special guests Sarah Raven and Nigel Slater chat to host and Gardens Illustrated editor Stephanie Mahon about their dream gardens, horticultural influences, and all things garden-based. 7pm-8pm

SIMON AND GARFUNKEL: Tribute show The Simon & Garfunkel Story uses huge projection photos and original film footage to tell the story of Simon & Garfunkel's success. It's accompanied by a live band playing hits including Mrs Robinson, Bridge Over Troubled Water,  and Homeward Bound. See it at Cadogan Hall in Chelsea. 7.30pm

THE BITTEN PEACH: The UK's first queer Pan-Asian cabaret show The Bitten Peach begins a run at Underbelly Festival. Drag queen Mahatma Khandi and their trusty drag king guide Sigi Moonlight battle to bring pop band the Peachy Girls back together, through drag, aerial, burlesque, Bollywood performances and live music. Age 16+. 9pm

BRAT POP: Whether you've been having a BRAT summer, or haven't got a clue what that means, make your way to Queen of Hoxton for a Brat Pop evening in appreciation of singer Charli XCX. Dance the night away to tunes from her back catalogue as well as artists inspiring and inspired by her — think Chappell Roan, Dua Lipa and Sabrina Carpenter. 10pm

Saturday 7 September

CLASSIC BOAT FESTIVAL: All manner of vintage vessels moor up at St Katharine Docks (next to the Tower of London) for the Classic Boat Festival. Even if you don't know your port from your starboard, it's a fascinating spectacle, with around 40 preserved vessels on display, including Dunkirk Little Ships. It's bigger than ever this year, expanding into the west basin so that larger vessels can take part. FREE, 7-8 September

WANSTEAD FRINGE: A street party, a book festival, live music, theatre, open-air cinema and a jumble trail are all part of the Wanstead Fringe, which begins today with an evening of Latin American and Spanish music at St Garbiel's Church. 7-28 September

MARYLEBONE WALK: Take an insightful walk around Marylebone Village, with Wide Eyed London as your guide. You'll start off at new art installation The Elm Leaf, inspired by the oldest surviving elm tree in London, before hoovering up history, architecture, shops and lots more in this lively part of town. 10.30am-12pm

OLYMPIC YEARS WALK: While the Paralympics are going on in Paris, learn about London's own Olympic history. Hammersmith BID offers a guided walk starting at Shepherd's Bush Market and focusing on when the 1908 Olympics took place in White City. 11am-12pm

HARRY FEST: One for Harry Styles fans: head to Dockside Vaults in St Katharine Docks for HarryFest, a one-day celebration of the former X-Factor contestant and One Direction singer. Organisers promise Harry-Oke, a scavenger hunt, prizes for best dressed, themed food and drink... but no appearances from the main man himself, unfortunately. 11.30am-9pm

CREEKSIDE FESTIVAL: Grassroots music station and event space AAJA holds the second edition of multi-venue music festival Creekside Festival. It takes place across 15 venues around Deptford — full 2024 details TBC at time of writing. From noon

CAMDEN INSPIRE: Celebrate the borough of Camden, both past and present, at Camden Inspire. Local artists, musicians, comedians, thought leaders and more host performances, talks and workshops across Buck Street and Stucley Place. noon-10pm

LONDON POLE CHAMPIONSHIPS: Pole dancing competition the London Pole Championships takes place at Artsdepot in North Finchley. Watch shows of musicality, strength, stamina and flexibility featuring both amateurs and professionals, and see who will be crowned the winner in each category, including beginners and doubles. 1pm

WOMEN OF RAG FAIR: Tour guide Laura "The Naked Anthropologist" Agustin's new walk takes in the area east of the Tower of London, to look at the lives of the women of Rag Fair. Learn about the rag-sellers, sex workers, thieves and so-called witches who held sway in an area flattened by the building of the 1805 dock. 1pm-3.30pm

LOUD WOMEN FEST: Bands from USA, Indonesia, France, Ireland and the UK are among those one the line-up at Loud Women Fest, a live music festival showcasing new female and non-binary talent rising up from the grassroots and alternative music scene. It's been described as "The antidote to male-heavy festival lineups" and takes place at Rich Mix in Shoreditch. 1pm

Sunday 8 September

ANTIQUES FAIR: Like clockwork, the monthly Adams Antiques Fair rolls back into town, bringing together 120+ exhibitors at the Royal Horticultural Halls in Westminster, selling antique jewellery, silver, decorative pieces and collectables. Note that a queue usually forms before the doors open, so arrive early if you want first dibs. 10am-4.30pm

CHILLI FEST: Things get fiery at Fulham Palace, which holds its annual Chilli Fest. There's a chilli eating competition for the brave, as well as stallholders selling chilli plants and chilli-based products, live musics, talks about the chilli plant and more. 11am-3pm

FOOTY: Clapton CFC are at home to Leatherhead FC this afternoon — home being Clapton Community Football Club in Forest Gate. There's a suggested donation of £5 per ticket. KO 2pm

AT THE MOVIES: The 17-piece LP Swing Orchestra is at Cadogan Hall performing a programme of music from the golden age of movies. Enjoy live renditions of compositions by Irving Berlin, Cole Porter and George Gershwin, which have featured in films such as James Bond, Disney and MGM. 3pm

CABARET: Martha D'Arthur and Baroness Mary Golds host a double bill of cabaret at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern this evening. Great songs and wicked laughs are promised — with DJ Simon Le Vans spinning tunes in between. 5.30pm and 7.30pm

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BICYCLE-POWERED THEATRE: Cycling theatre troupe The Handlebards park up at Dulwich Picture Gallery for an open-air performance of Shakespeare's A Comedy of Errors. Take along a chair or blanket to sit on, pack a picnic and sit back to enjoy the show. 7pm-9pm

CHINEKE!: Britain’s only orchestra of Black and ethnically diverse musicians, Chineke! takes the spotlight at the BBC Proms, performing Tchaikovsky’s Pathétique, as well as Duke Ellington’s jazzed-up take on Tchaikovsky’s ballet The Nutcracker. 7.30pm

CRACK COMEDY: Ram Jam Records (a speakeasy in the Smok'd pub at The Grey Horse in Kingston) hosts another instalment of Crack Comedy, with last week's winner — voted for by the audience — returning to headline, with support from a bunch of other great comedians. And guess what: the support comedian your vote your fave will be back to headline next week. 7.30pm