A cockroach crawls in front of me

A cockroach. Without thinking I spread my palm and lift it high in the air.

The cockroach crawls slowly. It crawls slowly and stops on the page in front of me.

Its antennae fidget. And my palm stays still in the air above its fidgeting antennae.

I look at my palm. The cockroach, too. It, too, looks at my palm held above its head.

My palm opens. My palm opens, making it clear to the cockroach that I am not depending on anything now. Not on the slipper that I usually hold. Not on an old, rolled-up newspaper. Not on the draft of a speech, not on the draft of poetry criticism, no drafts of any kind, no white paper no green paper no other paper of any size. Not even disposable gloves of various colors and kinds. This—it makes me embarrassed. It is the embarrassment of spreading one's naked palm without thinking and realizing one has nothing to rely on.

The cockroach looks at my naked palm that relies on nothing. Crawling slowly again. It crawls along the clean pages in front of me. Its antennae fidget arrogantly. I don't know if its contempt is for the words on the page or for my frozen gesture. It crawls slowly. Crawling from one side of the table to the other. From one group of words to another. Time stretches. Time long enough for me to raise my palm and hold it in the air and think about "tolerance" over the length of a lifetime—and the embarrassment and dismay of a tolerant person who opens his naked palm and finds it relies on nothing.


寬容者

一隻蟑螂爬行我眼前

一隻蟑螂。不期然我攤開我的手掌並高高舉放半空。

蟑螂緩緩爬行。牠緩緩爬行又停在我眼前的書頁上。

牠的觸鬚擺弄。而我的手掌停放半空凝定在牠擺弄着的觸鬚之上。

我看着我的手掌。那蟑螂也是。牠也看着正置於牠頭上的我的手掌。

我的手掌張開。我的手掌張開這使牠清楚看到我此刻一無所持。沒通常的拿着一隻拖鞋。沒拿着捲成長條的舊報紙。沒拿着講稿草稿詩論稿各種開度的白皮書綠皮書報告書。甚至沒戴上一拍即丟各款不同顏色與質料的手套。這，使我很尷尬。這是自然而然攤開手掌發覺一無所持的尷尬。

牠看了看我一無所持的手掌。又緩緩爬行。牠緩緩爬過我眼前潔淨的書頁。觸鬚擺弄倨傲的神情。不知是對書頁上的文字輕蔑還是對我此刻凝定的姿態輕蔑。牠緩緩爬行。從桌子的一邊爬行到桌子的另一邊。從一組文字爬過另一組文字。時間悠長。時間悠長足夠我舉起手掌又停放半空在今後悠長的一生裏思索「寬容」。和寬容者攤開手掌而發覺一無所持的尷尬。與沮喪。