When the dark curtains for the bedroom came,
I blacked you out like the night
you fight in. Forgive me, but I'm still working

through it in therapy. Lately, I've been so sudden
with my decisions—cut my braids out
of my head a month early, put a deadline

on a man's love. I'm leaving space for nothing
but blame in the new season, and this here
is no different. I never told you about the great hurt

between us. Me, thirteen and thinking I needed you
to speak back to me. Back then, I skipped my wishes
to you like stones over water. I slept in the overhang

of mornings that relieved your shift. I'm angry
I still don't know what to call the thing between
us. Were you friend, or sister? The first lover

to leave when I became too much? I've surrendered
to the half-truth; men remind me of you. The mixed
messages, you in my bed every night and nothing

ever to say of it. My therapist says I'm projecting
but goes silent when I mention that you've been doing it
to me my whole life. At night, I get moody

in waiting. Anxious for you to ask me
how I've been. Anxious enough to pay someone
to ask me now instead. The harder and fuller truth:

men have abandoned me and I never heard
from you. I was a shadow of a wolf,
whimpering into your blank light. I didn't know

that love was an ancestor of quietude,
that you were still there. Of all things
love, I'm still learning.
from the book I DONE CLICKED MY HEELS THREE TIMES / Soft Skull Press
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Headshot of poet Kit Fan
"Kit Fan On Elegy, Nostalgia And Poetry Versus Prose"

"Prose and poetry are pieces of the same jigsaw; they are conjoined as one entity yet also a fragment of a whole picture. Prose thrives on the illusion of continuity, whereas poetry plays up the card of fragmentation.  When I write novels, I start with a fragment of a person, a thought, a conversation, or a place, and rebuild them bit by bit into a world.  When I write poems, I break a world into pieces and glue them back together into a memory.  Both are violent acts."

via THE LONDON MAGAZINE
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Cover of Discipline Park
What Sparks Poetry:
Toby Altman on Other Arts


"Being with these buildings, studying them, touching the rough grains of the concrete—it changes something. I learned a new way of seeing. Surfaces stopped receding. I saw the textures, the way that buildings were made. I started looking at architecture, rather than through it. This is one thing poetry can do for you: it can teach you to look at the world again."
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