1.  Trump Health Aide Goes on Batsh*t Attack Against CDC

 OFF THE RAILS 

“You understand that they’re going to have to kill me, and unfortunately, I think that’s where this is going,” Michael Caputo alleged on Facebook Live.

2.  Trump: ‘Explosive’ Trees Are Causing Disastrous Wildfires

  ‘LIKE A MATCH STICK’ 

“There is no more water pouring through them. They just explode. They can explode.”

3.  Take Remembering Passwords Off Your Back-to-School Plate

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Pencils. Backpacks. Notepads. Passwords. Go back to school safely with the best-in-class password protector from 1Password.

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4.  This Summer Was Hottest on Record in Northern Hemisphere

 BOILING 

That news comes from NOAA, which just put a climate denier in a top position.

5.  S. Dakota AG in Fatal Car Accident Thought He Hit Deer: Cops

 ‘HIT MY COUSIN’ 

Documents obtained by a local newspaper showed state AG Jason Ravnsborg had been caught speeding in the past.

6.  This Parachute Loungewear Set Is My New Uniform

 LOUNGING 

Parachute’s new loungewear set is made from waffle-knit fabric so it’s comfy, breathable, and stylish.

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7.  ‘All Gone:’ Oregonians Return to Find Their Homes in Ashes

 UP IN SMOKE 

At least 10 people have been killed by the unprecedented Oregon fires, with dozens still unaccounted for.

8.  Anthony Weiner’s New Job: CEO of an NYC Countertop Company

 MORE SUSTAINABLE? 

“Yep, it’s a company that believes in second chances,” Weiner’s LinkedIn profile states. “See where I’m going with this?”

9.  Iowa to Foster Parents: Go Ahead and Spank Your Own Kids

 NO ROD SPARED 

Just don’t do it in front of your foster children.

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10.  U.S. Halts Chinese Imports Made With Uighur Forced Labor

 ‘MODERN SLAVERY’ 

CBP said they had identified proof of forced labor, including “highly coercive/unfree recruitment”and “restriction of movement” in Xinjiang internment camps.

11.  Maine Wedding Now Linked to 5 Deaths, 161 COVID Cases: CDC

  FALLOUT 

The August wedding, held in defiance of a ban on large gatherings, sickened several guests who then infected other vulnerable groups.

12.  YouTuber ‘Poops on Pelosi’s Driveway’ as Tribute to Trump

 DARKEST TIMELINE 

After walking away from the scene, the streamer zooms in on his mess and proclaims: “That’s for President Trump.”

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13.  World Heath Org: Europe Will See Surge in COVID-19 Deaths

 BRACE YOURSELF 

The continent reported 51,000 new cases on Friday alone but deaths have remained stable.

14.  Oracle Beats Out Microsoft in Bid to Take Over TikTok

 TIKTOKCHALLENGES 

People close to the matter said that Oracle will be the Chinese app’s “trusted tech partner” in the U.S.

15.  Yoshihide Suga Set to Become Japan’s New PM After Abe Exit

 STEPPING UP  

Suga is expected to maintain Japan’s close ties with the U.S., but has admitted that his “diplomatic skills” aren’t quite up to scratch.

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