1. Trump Wailed ‘I Don’t Want to Be Your Friend’ at Pence: WSJ

  I’M TELLING MOTHER 

Pence and Trump reportedly met on Wednesday morning, before Trump left to whip up his supporters into a violent rage, and it did not go well.

2. Early Study Finds Pfizer Vaxx Works on U.K. COVID Mutation

 DOUBLE IMMUNITY 

The virus variant is more contagious than the original and has brought Britain to its knees.

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3. The Stronic G Vibrator Is the Secret to Satisfying Solo Sex

 GOIN’ STRON’ 

It’s not another actual human being, but it’s the next best thing.

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4. 4,000+ Americans Died on Worst Day of Pandemic So Far

 DEATH SPIRAL 

Several countries—including Japan, Australia, and South Korea—have recorded far less than 4,000 COVID-19 deaths in total during the entire pandemic.

5. FBI Puts Up $50K for Info on Would-Be D.C. Pipe-Bomber

 MONEY TALKS 

The person is suspected of planting pipe bombs outside the HQs of both the Republican and Democratic National Committees as rioters swamped the Capitol.

6. These Towels Are So Soft They’re Like Drying Off With Clouds

 SOFT STYLE 

You use your towels every single day of your life—you deserve these speckled towels from Parachute.

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7. Trump Was ‘Pleased’ as Mob Stormed Capitol: NYT

 DERANGED 

Trump is said to have agreed to make his latest video, in which he finally acknowledges the end of his presidency, after realizing he could face legal trouble.

8. Another Lawyer on Trump’s Georgia Phone Call Is Out of a Job

 UNMASKED 

Alex Kaufman is leaving his firm two days after Cleta Mitchell quit her job at a different firm.

9. ‘SoHo Karen’ Nabbed in L.A. for Falsely Accusing Black Teen

 FALLOUT 

Miya Ponsetto was taken into custody after a car chase.

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10. Kayleigh Runs From Podium After Denying Riot Responsibility

 WHO US? 

“Those who violently besieged our Capitol are the opposite of everything the administration stands for,” the White House press secretary lied.

11. Project Veritas Founder Blabs About Next ‘Sting’ on Amtrak

 YOUR OWN MEDICINE 

He was also reportedly heard complaining about employees getting COVID, suggesting it should be easier to fire those who won’t come into work.

12. Chinese Diplos Claim Uighur Camps Promote ‘Gender Equality’

 ‘EMANCIPATED’ 

“In the process of eradicating extremism, the minds of Uygur women in Xinjiang were emancipated ...” the embassy tweeted.

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13. AOC Shreds Ted Cruz for Fundraising During Capitol Attack

 GOT THE RECEIPTS 

Cruz insisted he was just “leading a debate” and had no part in riling up members of the mob. But AOC brought the receipts.

14. Football Coach Canned for Racist Tweet About Stacey Abrams

 SACKED 

He called her “Fat Albert” in a derogatory post that he deleted—but not in time.

15. Rush Limbaugh Likens Capitol Rioters to Founding Fathers

 ‘SUPPOSED TO BE HORRIFIED’ 

“There’s a lot of people out there calling for the end of violence,” said the right-wing radio host, who did not call for the violence to end.

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