Dear John,

Last Monday, I hemmed and hawed all morning long about whether or not to attend an event that night. There were people I wanted to see, and it was rainy and windy outside. I felt restless and in need of a change of scenery, and I wanted to stay dry and cozy at home. I knew I would disappoint people if I didn’t go, and I didn’t want to disappoint myself.

Back and forth, back and forth, my mind waltzed to the dance of indecision when I finally got sick of it all. Pick one, I told myself, and be done with it.

Often, that’s all it takes to stop the madness that goes on in my mind when I feel on the fence about something. I make a choice and deal with the consequences. But on this particular day, I was honestly torn, so that approach didn’t work. Instead, I tried a different technique.

I sat quietly and considered each option. As I did, I asked myself: Which choice gives you a sense of relief? Within minutes, I knew I wanted to stay home. I was tired, and while I’d miss seeing friends, I could tell by the way my body settled into the chair that I needed rest, not stimulation. There would be other events in the future.

I’ve come to appreciate relief as a form of intelligence. Over the years, I’ve used a version of the above question with clients who were facing tough choices and marveled at how it ended their indecision. I would often ask:

If you knew there would be no hurt feelings, no disappointment or anger, and no regrets, what would you do?

It usually didn’t take long for the client to arrive at an answer. That’s because, so often, we make choices in an effort to avoid pain rather than move toward pleasure.

In my case, I chose a quiet night at home. While sometimes the right decision is to go against relief because a loved one needs help, more often than not, relief is a beautiful reminder of what we need to do to take good care of ourselves.

Love,
Cheryl

P.S. – Check out the audiobook/workshop called Self Care for the Wisdom Years available through Audible. You can learn more here.

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