Dear John,

Last Monday I hemmed and hawed all morning long about whether or not to attend an event that night. There were people I wanted to see and it was cold and windy outside. I felt restless and in need of a change of scenery, and I wanted to stay warm and cozy at home. I knew I would disappoint people if I didn’t go, and I didn’t want to disappoint myself with regrets. 

Back and forth, back and forth, my mind waltzed to the dance of indecision when I finally got sick of it all. Pick one, I told myself, and be done with it. 

Often that’s all it takes to stop the madness that goes on in my mind when I feel on the fence about something. I make a choice and trust myself to deal with the outcome. But on this particular day, I felt really unsure and that approach didn’t work. So, I did something else instead. 

I sat quietly and considered each option. Then I asked myself: Which choice gives you the greatest sense of relief? This is a question I’ve asked clients over the years when they’ve felt tortured by ambivalence. 

Within a few minutes of asking myself, I knew I wanted to stay home. I felt tired and while I’d miss seeing friends, I could tell by the relief I felt in my body that I needed rest, not stimulation. There would be other opportunities to attend events in the future.

I’ve come to appreciate relief as a form of intelligence. When I can set aside the thought of negative consequences, potential hurt feelings, fear of disappointing myself or others, or the possibility of making a mistake, I gain access to the truth. Then, from there, I can make an informed choice. Sometimes the right choice is to go against relief because a loved one needs my attention and care. But more often than not, the truth is a reminder of what I need to take care of myself. 

More and more I’m learning to let myself off the hook, to divest myself of responsibilities that don’t belong to me. It’s a gift of the wisdom years… and one I gratefully accept. 

Love,
Cheryl

P.S. – My new audiobook/workshop called Self Care for the Wisdom Years is now available through Audible. You can learn more here.

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