Weekend: Excuse Me, “J ellyfish Haircut”?? ✂️

Joe Burrow can’t seem to catch a break. No, we’re not referring to the Cincinnati Bengals’ less-than-stellar season (get the lowdown from our Well Played podcast). We’re talking about the drama that happened off the field this week. On Monday, while the “NFL’s sexiest quarterback” was in Texas for a game against the Dallas Cowboys, his home was burglarized — the latest in a string of robberies targeting professional athletes. As if that wasn’t dramatic enough, the person who discovered the crime was Sports Illustrated model and influencer Olivia Ponton — who, to be clear, is not the same Olivia as Burrow’s longtime girlfriend Olivia Holzmacher. According to People, Ponton noticed a “shattered bedroom window and the room ransacked” after she arrived at the Ohio home, prompting her and her mom to call 911. The obvious question: What was the 22-year-old doing at Burrow’s home? Apparently, she’s described in a police report as an employee, which is…interesting. And if that is the case, why is she saying “someone broke into my house” in police audio obtained by TMZ?

Of course, all of this has sent the internet into a frenzy — particularly since it was just last year when rumors swirled that Mr. Frosted Tips and Holzmacher, who have been together since 2017, had gotten engaged. Now, some are wondering if the fashionista (we can’t decide which is more chaotic: these rainbow-striped flare pants or the backless blazer he wore for his runway debut) was caught trying to juggle two Olivias. But, as eagle-eyed sleuths have pointed out, the last time Holzmacher posted a pic of Burrow on Instagram was in a January photo dump, so perhaps the two had already broken up. (In which case, Burrow’s highly questionable bleach-blond buzz cut should have been a tell.) Regardless, the speculation has gotten so out of hand that Burrow addressed it at a press conference, telling reporters, “Way more is already out there than I would want out there and that I care to share, so that’s all I got to say about that.” Joe, we listen and we don’t judge.